A human heart ♥ with a mechanical mind 👽
The breeze is still…
The crickets have begun their blue love songs…
The sky is drenched in black ink…
These headphones vibrate at volumes past the warning…
These emotions are slowly creeping out of the corners of these temporarily disheartened eyes…
The silence is momentarily patched up with Tyler’s scream and Josh’s drumbeats at the end of Jumpsuit…
Sometimes unwanted thoughts have dug themselves out of their graves…
If you need anyone…I’ll be right there… -Twenty One Pilots
It’s crazy… I feel like more of an outcast in a community that I’m supposed to feel belonged in than I do as a human residing in the rest of the world.
Judgement is felt more amongst “my people” than it is from those who see me purchasing my Starbucks and shopping at Target.
I find myself more and more curious as to why that is…
Maybe it’s because I am a rebel.
The one who chooses to defy the statistics…the one who chooses to share my story in hopes of helping others rather than play the “victim” to gain free advancements.
Maybe it is because I live my life according to my own views rather than remain trapped inside ORs as the surgeon’s guinea pig because he knows what’s best.
Or, maybe it is mainly because I choose to find the silver lining at the end of a shitty day, knowing that tomorrow is a fresh start, rather than pull everyone into my shit storm so they’ll feel sorry for me.
So, if I don’t fit into “your world” then where do I fit in…where do I belong…
I fit into the smiles and laughter of my family and friends. I fit into the star studded universe where my Guardian Angel resides, watching over me. I fit into these bones of mine that are made up of molecules from my ancestors. I fit into the empty space inside of my future love’s heart.
I belong right here, amongst the sand, the ocean and this cotton candy sunset.
I am a rebel.
Jumpsuit, Jumpsuit cover me… -Twenty One Pilots
World: “Ok, what song are we contemplating today?”
Me: “Well, since you asked… today we are contemplating Nico and The Niners.”
World: “Hmmm, sounds interesting. Go ahead and play it.”
Me: “Go ahead and play it…. what do you think I’ve been playing all day long? Seriously…do you know me at all? C’mon dude.”
World: “I’m sor….”
Me: “Nope.”
World: “Insulted…?”
Me: “Yep 😝”
My jumpsuit is on steady…I’m lighter when I’m lower, I’m higher when I’m heavy…East is up.. -Twenty Øne Piløts
World: “Are you going to be playing Jumpsuit on a loop all day long?”
Me: “The fact that you’re even asking me that question shows how little you know me.”
World: “I’m sorrry… ”
Me: “Nope, you’ve already insulted me..” 😝🖤💛🖤
Spirits in my room, friend or foe? Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old… -Twenty Øne Piløts
These thoughts are drifting at 180 mph throughout the curves if my cerebral. My glance is momentarily caught by the lavender almond oil that my diffuser has misted into the atmosphere. So many thoughts I’d like to share, yet where to start boggles my racing mind. So, I’ll simply leave you with this…
Goodnight…Sweet dreams…🖤
Choices…
That word above is one that we practice on a daily basis. Life is strung together by the series of choices we make, each one altering the direction we take on our paths.
You…
You are in charge of every choice you make, you are the only one who chooses what pebble will create your life’s ripple.
I…
I have made both positive and negative choices throughout my life thus far, each shifting the effect of every ripple. The most important and impactful choice I have ever made was to never allow others actions towards me taint my feelings towards the world. Tainted emotions equals vengeful behavior. As someone who was bullied throughout school, as someone who was dealt a somewhat difficult situation in life, I could have easily chosen to allow the anger and hurt that was a constant during that time to poison my outlook and actions towards society. I could’ve easily taken my past and morphed it into an infinite excuse in order to disrespect and pull everyone into a bitter pity party.
But, I don’t.
Why…
Because I know first hand what it feels like to be mistreated, how it eats at your brain causing your confidence and self-esteem to diminish. I know how quickly the hurt, the depression, the worthlessness and the tear filled pain fills into every nook and cranny of your body.
I wouldn’t place nor wish that upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.
I know how just the mere thought of revenge can suck up your time, your energy. How it becomes this black toxic that invades your veins, you’ve become Peter Parker in SpiderMan 2.
Having that amount of pain residing within my bones nearly snuffed out my life candle. Never again do I want to feel that shitty.
I choose to find the silver lining, the be a better version of myself, to ignore the arrogance of my peers. I choose which battles are worth fighting, I carefully select which pebble I toss to create that ripple.
No matter what curveballs are thrown at you…No matter how many incomplete passes you encounter and No matter how many humans throw a dirty punch at you in attempts to knock you down, you have a choice as to how you react. You choose what type of energy you place towards others, towards the world.
You have a choice…
So what’s it going to be…?
Second things second don’tcha tell me what you think that I should be, I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea… -Imagine Dragons
Ok…I have a bone to pick with some of you humans out there. I am not one to rant, especially online, but today I’m making a virtual scene and I hope you pay attention.
Now I’ve said it on a constant loop that we are ALL born into this world with a glitch. Whether it is a physical, mental or an emotional glitch…we are all broken in some way. Now those of you who know me or have followed my blog or social media for a while now know that I was born with a rare physical disorder. Yep, I was dealt that curse card coming into this world and given a life I never asked for. However, I took what I was given, broke the rules I didn’t fancy (which was all of them) and made this life my own.
Throughout my life I have had many labels slapped on my forehead, one only ever really tore me down, most just ping off my bulletproof skin.
And now this happens… there is one label that recently caught my attention and it’s, well, pissing me off a bit.
Why you may ask. Well, because this label was created by those in the “physical disorder world “.
Recently I was out shopping, doing my own thing and a few different people came up to me complimenting me on my positive attitude. I responded by thanking them and wishing them a great rest of their day. This has been happening more and more, which nabbed my curiosity. Turns out that there are quite a high percentage of those with physical disabilities who are only capable of complaining and acting as if the world owes them. You go around causing intentional scenes in public or online everytime one small snafu is tossed into your day. You think that because of the life you were dealt that this world and the people in it are to accommodate you 100% of the time. You’re making your problem their problem. You’re making your problem my problem. You’ve created a bad reputation for the entire “physical disorder” community.
KNOCK IT OFF!
I understand that a life with a physical disorder is hard and that depending on the severity of ones disorder, well life can be down right daunting. It’s an endless battle we fight. But, guess what?! Everyone has an endless battle they’re fighting. Everyone has something that they’re dealing with. This world thrives off of balance. There are going to be times when the world is accommodating towards you and then there is times when you need to be accommodating towards the world. Be grateful for the times when kindness is shown towards you and have common sense in the times when it’s not so much shown.
Yes, there are certain times when you should speak loudly and right a wrong. But, there is a line between standing up for something and just flat out bitching, throwing a tantrum everytime things don’t go 100% your way. You have labeled all of us “one of them”.
“One of them”…
I am not one of you. Do I have shitty days once in a while? Yes. Do I have to get creative with certain life skills? Yes. Are there times when frustration hits and I wish I didn’t have this kinda life? Yes.
But, I don’t make my problem everyone else’s problem. I don’t make others feel crappy because I feel crappy. I don’t take to social media to bitch or slam on others because the world didn’t accommodate the way it was “supposed to”.
The next time one small thing doesn’t flow your way, think before you make a public or virtual scene. Perhaps in that moment the universe is telling you that it is your turn to do a little accommodating.
Enough labels are being slapped around. Quit adding fuel to the fire.
Give and take people!
PS…if you plan on twisting my thoughts and leaving a butthurt comment go right ahead. You’re only helping to prove my point.
