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Entertainer Blogger Award

Firstly, thank you to Andrea over at The Perks of Being Different for nominating me to attach a few answers to a few fun questions. These types of posts are cool and they give you a few fun facts about the bloggers you follow. So without further ado…

Why did you start blogging in the first place?

-I began this whole blogging journey in hopes of finding contentment within myself. This life of mine has been anything, but easy or boring, I was definitely dealt that “shit” card in my hand. A lot of mental struggles came attached with the physical struggles. Writing and blogging became apart of my outlets, a way of healing myself instead of harming myself. I continue to blog about my scars in hopes that it helps someone out there who is going through or has gone through their own struggles. 🖤

What is your favourite book?

I love this question, but it is hard to answer. It’s like asking what’s my favorite song. I have to say though, I’ve always been very partial to The Great Gatsby. 🖤

What do you dislike the most?

I know that I could answer this question with a serious aspect, but instead we’re going to to dip into my weirdness here. I dislike mushrooms. I do, I just don’t like them. I do like those little mushroom toads in the Mario Bros. games, you know those guys with the cute red or green polka dotted mushroom heads. Actual mushrooms, nope and I’ve tried liking them believe me. I don’t mind their earthy flavor so much, it’s their texture I just can’t seem to get past. To phrase my five year old self, “they’re squishy “. I’ve tried. 🍄😝

What is your favorite food at the mall?

Oooo, now we’re talking, food. Mall food? I’ve got to go with pizza. I love a slice of New York style pizza. Bomb! 🍕😋

What is your favorite pastime?

Part of me wants to say a baseball game because I have grown to love sporting events thanks to my Dad, Go Yankees! Part of me wants to say a good ol’ fashioned piece of apple pie because, well, foodie over here. But, I’m going to go with the ultimate classic, summer days/ nights at the beach. Blue skies, warm vitamin-d sunrays, soothing sand and ocean, family and friends, bonfires and s’mores. You just can’t beat it. 😎🏖

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Rice Krispies and Coffee

**sitting here at 9:37pm, eating a bowl of rice krispies, enjoying a cup of cinnamon dolce coffee and scrolling through blog posts. The Perks of Being Different blog posted a blog with these get to know you questions. Seemed fun, so here we go **

Are you named after anyone?

– Not that I’m aware of. I do know that my name was chosen by my biological father. I also know that had I been born a boy then my name would’ve been Joshua.

When was the last time you cried?

-About three weeks ago. My great Aunt Betty passed, she was an amazing person who had the kindest heart.

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

-I think I would.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

-Haha, yeah I do. My sarcasm and wit have minds of their own. My sarcasm also tends to make its presence when a defense mechanism is needed.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

-They’re eyes. You can hypothesize a lot about a person by their eyes.

What is your eye color?

-There is a outer ring of green and an inner ring of hazel.

Scary movie or happy endings?

-Depends…I love the suspense of scary movies, but I also love a happy ending.

Favorite smells?

-Oooo, I love the aromas of cinnamon, vanilla, pumpkin spice, freshly brewed coffee, freshly fried donuts, crisp autumn breeze, the saltiness of the ocean and freshly washed sheets on a bed.

What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?

-The times I’ve traveled to New York.

Do you have any special talents?

-Umm, well I don’t know, but I’m pretty bomb at making someone smile when they’re feeling blue.

Where were you born?

-I was born in Covina, California.

What are your hobbies?

-I like to cook, bake, draw, music, write, read, movies…

Do you have any pets?

-Not at this time.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

-Well, I think I’d like to be a writer 😉

Who was your first best friend?

-His name was Steven, we met in pre-school.

How tall are you?

-5’6″ ish

How many countries have you visited?

-So far just Mexico. Plan on traveling soon though.

What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?

-Favorite subject was Math.

-Worst subject was History (not because I didn’t like this subject, just had unenthusiastic teachers).

What is your Favorite drink? Animal? Perfume?

-Favorite drink is a toss up between coffee and green tea with honey.

-Favorite animal is the sea turtle and penguins.

-Favorite perfume is Chanel No* 5

What Sports do you play/Have you played?

-Well does dancing and Wii sports can’t 😉

Who are some of your favorite YouTubers?

-Nerdy Nummies, How to Cake It, Koalipops, Jeffree Star, Manny MUA, Shane Dawson, Cakes by Choppa, Cupcake Jemma, Man About Cake, iJustine, Joe Santagato.

How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?

-A couple boyfriends.

Favorite memory from childhood?

Going to a Kings game with my parents. Our seats were right behind the glass. We got home after midnight and I got to miss school the next day. It was awesome!

How would you describe your fashion sense?

-I’m a jeans and tshirt kinda girl. Hoodies? Of course. But, I also love to dress up for special occasions.

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)?

-I have the Samsung Galaxy S8+ … always been an Android girl.

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Riptide

**the scent of pre-rain intertwines with the slightly frosted breeze dancing within these reminiscent woods. Black hoodie on and candy cane rose in my hand, my feet travel back to the spot where the end morphed into the beginning…**

Hey sweet baby girl, how’s the afterlife party? I bet it’s one kickass bash, like New Year’s, Fourth of July and Halloween combined. I’m sorry it’s been too long between visits, I could deliver endless excuses as to why, but they’d be just that…excuses. Truth be told, it is becoming harder and harder to come back here to this spot.

I feel obligated to come back here from time to time, check-in in a way. Every time I leave I feel as though I mentally take a step backwards. A step I shouldn’t be taking. I put you here though, it was my past weakness that buried you seven feet deep.

My god, you were so full of life. So unguarded. Your eyes sparkled like a lighthouse, your laughter cute and contagious, your soul burned brilliantly, your heart untouched by pain and your mind pure. Then I allowed society to beat you down, bully your mind, make your heart feel worthless. I did that. I am so very sorry. You had been through too much unnecessary pain, this was the only way I could protect you, the only way I knew how to protect you. It definitely wasn’t plan “a”.

I want you to know that you’ve taught me so much since that night and while I am nowhere near any type of perfection, I owe a great deal of who I am to you. That night I made two promises to you. One, to keep going no matter how deeply pulled under the storm may drown me. Second, to keep our heart safely hidden until such a time occured when it appears safe. So far, so good.

Progress report, there’s been a few pretty treacherous storms (one that nearly defeated me). Even though these walls of mine are high, I’m learning to become more open yet remain cautious. The toxicology levels are diminishing as the mental wounds have healed and scarred over. That sparkle that was cracked is now filled with liquid gold. These grown eyes now shine like broken Christmas lights. As for this old soul, it surprisingly glows on, a flicker here and there, but it glows nonetheless.

The world tried to burn all the mercy outta me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it…. -Fall Out Boy

Our heart? Well, hidden it remains. Its wounds too have healed and the stitches have been removed from each scar. Our ticker is beating on, against every damn odd and statistic. I know that your one wish was for me to fulfill our ultimate dream, however, that is proving to be a bit daunting. I haven’t completely given up on your wish, I just want you to know that there’s a chance it may not happen. Not to your fault, but merely mine. I fear that I’ve seen too much of the darkness in human hearts to be able to trust and jump once more.

Even with all of the pain and darkness held behind these eyes, I still search for the rainbow at the end of every storm. And that’s due to you. Any ounce of hope or goodness that flows through my veins is because of you.

And I’ve been lookin’ for a long time, but I never found home. Everything is alright, I’m around for the long ride…. -Machine Gun Kelly

This may be the last time I visit our spot, but know that you have an eternal place with me. Every time I see this robotic heart that’s inked into my skin, I think of you, of us and how we’ve made it to this point. How did we make it this far? I guess like the proverbial tootsie pop, the world may never know.

Storms moving in, I should go. Before I do, do me a favor…tell Popee that I’m working on it, what we last talked about.

I love you baby girl, you continue to rest easy. I’ve got it from here.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the sunshine riptide, dancing all alone in the morning light… -Fall Out Boy

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Bad Habit

“Creative writing is truth written in invisible ink…”

Last summer these dreams of being trapped within a plexiglass box spun my nights. Sleep eluded my eyes and this entrapment captured my varying thoughts. The woods in which this clear cell was placed were calming because they were familiar. An alternate home where my childhood years became spent, night after night I’d visit the monsters that hid in between the darkness of the trees. Once a frightening place, slowly morphed into a familiar twisted comfort.

My anxiety was never placed with the location of these dreams, it was found painted across the crystal prison I was in and with the kind faced stranger that stood outside my cell.

For two months this dream played on a loop, the same plot of struggling to find a way out before losing my mind and trying to figure out the meaning behind the kind stranger. Puzzles are something I find enjoyable, but this is one that was hard to decipher. For two months I kicked, punched, dug and screamed my energy away in hopes of escaping. With every attempt followed a fail. During this subconscious madness moments of calm where only found when I happened to glance at the kind stranger outside my cell. He never spoke, rarely moved. He simply stood and smiled. I never glanced for more than a few seconds, his unknown appearance leveled up my anxiety and I was already skyrocketing from trying to escape.

As these dreams continued small differences began to appear, such as a gun and bat (both conveniently located outside the box, of course). So, my mind now in overdrive as to how I could get my hands on one of them….. one night my mind must have been overwhelmed because I dreamt that I was ready to give up. I sat on the ground, started playing a game of Stare with the kind stranger and could feel myself ready to throw in the towel. While in the stare showdown with Mr. Kind, I felt like he was trying to figure out what I was thinking. He was getting a little too inside my head. It was a calm chaos, but I just wanted it all to end. I just wanted to sleep.

Long story short and several dreams later, I finally grabbed the gun and the dreams stopped. If you want to know how this all unravels you can check out my blog entitled “Louisville Slugger vs. Glock 22”.

Crazy dreams…waking up in a cold sweat…gasping for air…these are all symptoms that I am very much used to. The kind stranger, however, threw me for a loop. He, in fact, was the most dangerous part of my dream. Sounds odd, I know. See, he brought a sense of calm to my mind that I had never felt before. A calm that caused the angst and fear to pause every time I looked at him.

Even though the dreams stopped…the calm feeling that wrapped around me is a feeling that I find myself conjuring up whenever my anxiety kicks in. I have become, dare I say, addicted to this kind faced stranger’s image.

Last month he appeared in a couple of my dreams, but nothing compared to last year. I still dont know why he entered my hellish woods, the meaning behind his presence. I don’t think he will ever be a puzzle I can solve, part of me has come to grips with this and the other part is going a bit crazy that the unknown will remain as such.

I wish I didn’t find this level of comfort with his image, the calm is real but the hopes of ever truly finding it in reality isn’t. I wish I could erase it all, but I can’t.

Have I gone completely mad? Have I morphed into Alice endlessly falling down the rabbit hole?

I fell in love with a very bad habit, but I feel alive for the very first time… -Machine Gun Kelly

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The Perfect Amount of Doomed

I, since a young girl, have dreamt of one day finding my “Jack”. The missing piece of my heart, the guy whom would accept me, challenge me, make me want to be a better version of myself, someone to create a family with, to create a beautiful life with…that “ride or die” kinda love.

The other half of my soul that would make my heart feel nervous, safe and whole. The one who would cause goosebumps to ripple across my skin, make my breath momentarily seize, make the thunder in my cerebral calm and make my knees weaken with every kiss.

The man that would crack jokes to make my sides hurt from laughter, cause a grin to appear from just the mere sight of him as I think to myself, “Yeah, that’s my guy.”.

The one that would always be by my side, have my back, sit with me in the silence of sadness or grief should those ever hit. The one that will ride through every storm that may hit us.

A dream of finding the one person that I could be all of these for him.

Yet, I have not yet found him, I find myself continually questioning if our paths would ever cross and I think I know why. I am subconsciously dooming myself. See, I was using the excuse that no guy would want a girl who was broken, the girl with the rare disorder, but in actuality I am scared shitless of history repeating itself. While it is difficult to meet someone who is able to look past my disorder and see me for who I truly am, the thought of once again falling for someone who finds pleasure in misleading and hurting my heart makes me shake. I know that not all humans are into playing the villain, but once bitten – twice shy. How do I know the truly good guys from the bad? How do I push past the nerves, fears and angst?

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I may need him more than he needs me one day…

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because of the thought that one day he may cheat on me or become deceitful.

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I have labeled myself as “not beautiful”, “not good enough”, “too broken”.

I have perfectly doomed myself the way only my mind can.

They say that you shouldn’t fear the unknown, yet here I am caught in a game of chicken with it.

If she had the proper words to say she would tell him, but she’d have nothing left to sell him… -Panic! @ The Disco

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All I Want is Something Beautiful to Say…

Miscommunication… Static… White Noise….

Ever have those moments where you know what you want to say, you know the tone in which it will be expressed and the vibe of each word as they slip between your lips. Its perfectly mapped out in your mind. And then those luscious gates open, but it twists into a train wreck of collided thoughts and confusion.

Standing in the wreckage, small flames sparking from the spilled gasoline. You take in a panoramic view of the destruction and quickly decide the best possible scenario on how to save the undamaged words and rebuild the slightly torched. Time taken in cleaning up the grounds and reconstructing the original plan with updates. Thought 2.0 if you will.

Before I write a new blog or while writing a manuscript for a new book, I have a sticky process that I go through every time. Write, read over, fix any errors and change small snippets to upgrade my thought, re-read, upgrade once more, re-read for a third time and then sit back and read it backwards to spot any punctuational errors. The last step being the fight between my fingers and my mind on whether or not to upgrade it one last time before clicking “post” or just let it be and let it out into cyberworld. I am an over thinker when it comes to my writing, which is probably why the outside critics don’t get to me. I am my own worst critic, I’ve already commented my own work 10 times over, so bring it on.

I am very passionate (sounds better than obsessive) about what I ship out for others to read because I want to make sure that anyone who views my work is left with a positive feeling, a feeling of hope. I want to lighten the heavy hearts in the world and make the lazy minds ponder. I want to make a mark that leaves a tiny impression in someone’s day. I want to know that my words are inflicting good, not evil.

Confusion happens… static creates chaos, but there’s always a way to fix the miscommunication. My process: I take a step back, close my eyes, take a deep breath, put on my “Starry Night” playlist and go back at it. Sometimes you have to crash a few times before you can speak that smooth thought.

Do you ever get caught up in the white noise? Until next blog… Love Derra ❤

P.S. failures don’t equal failing…. Quitting does.

P.S.S. Here are a couple of my go to songs… Lose Yourself By: Eminem & Breakdown By: Seether

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Just One Yesterday…

What do you want to be when you grow up? Its the platinum question that we’re awarded with during those oh so awkward years of high school. Sure, theres a ingenious range of careers that we spitball to anyone and everyone when we’re kids. Firefighter, policeman, rock star, teacher, movie star and even the ever popular, becoming president of the good old USA. Myself, I had aspirations of becoming a fashion designer. I loved fashion and I loved the art of sketching. So naturally I combined the two into an awesome career. Yep, I was going to be a fashion designer when I grew up.

What am I now? I am a writer and published author. I know, total 180* from the fashion world. Its not that fashion no longer interests me or that I’ve lost my love for drawing. My path just turned left instead of right. I have always had a love for writing, more like words in general. For me, words are an extremely powerful weapon. They’re just as sharp as a knife and pack the same punch as a fist to your face. I would even say that words even have the same sting as that of a bullet shot into ones body. However on the flip side, words have the power to numb a hearts pain like morphine, calm the chaos in an overcasted mind like Bayer and even cure an illness of the body like any IV. The outcome of how words will either repair or damage is up to the beholder of them. I’ll admit that I have been both a doctor with words and a hitman. I have also experienced the joyful and painful impact of someone elses lips.

Being someone who grew up not always obtaining the capability to express myself on a verbal level, I have found other alley ways to expose how I’m feeling or what I’m going through. Writing and music. Yep, words either way you dish it up. Whether my keyboard is being typed on or my phone is flowing my selected playlist, I live in a world of words. They are my Novocain… they are my sutures and they are my escape. Words… how do you deal them out? Are you a healer or a hitman? Choose wisely, because once words are launched out into neighboring ears, they can’t be taken back, only forgotten (if the victim chooses to). Loose lips sink ships…. its not just an expression…

Until next blog… Love Derra ❤