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Tested

Between you and me, I feel like the universe is testing me, that it’s been testing me since the beginning of the year.

More times than not I have been the person to “bite my tongue”, “let things go” or tell myself that “it wasn’t meant to be”. I’ve shuffled through these excuses for one reason or another.

Moments were because my confidence wasn’t fully built up, so standing up to certain people such as family members or critics was always a bit nerve wracking.

Moments where I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve success or any type of positive recognition.

I mean, who am I to think that what I have to say has substance, that I can make a difference in this world.

When 2018 spiraled in I made a decision to make a few much needed changes in order to maintain my sanity. While my physical health is important to me, my mental health is even more important. So, I decided to flush out the toxicity surrounding my life. Social media platforms were detoxified, then certain people that I have refrained from standing up to were stood up to (damn it felt good).

Lately, career choices were made that I’ll admit I was apprehensive about making, however, in the long run cutting ties was best.

As for Love and I, well, I keep trying to detach myself. So far my efforts have failed, every time I think that my brain has deleted his image something occurs that causes my thoughts to repay attention, such as a song. Every time I think my heart has been successfully stifled, these dreams steal my insomniac hours. I don’t know what to do in this area of life…

In some form or another, the universe is testing me.

I can’t believe how much I hate pressures of a new place roll my way… -Twenty One Pilots

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Happy Birthday Ma’

You never stomped on any of my ideas, goals or dreams. You never started any conversation with the words “No” or “Can’t”. Creativity and hard work were always the cards played to help me achieve my newest project. From Tap and Ballet lessons… art sets so that I could sketch out my imagination… my drum set days for band during my elementary and Jr. High years… finding a love for cooking which now means we’ve upgraded from colored pencils and drumsticks to sharp knives and fire… my fascination with the sharpness and beauty of words resulting in my dream of one day becoming an author.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always believing in the person that I’ve become and showing me the power that unconditional love has. Thank you for being my Ma’ 💛

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Anomaly

Anomoly – something that deviates from the standard

A.k.a. … Me

Last night my heart did something strange, something that slightly freaked me out.

The heart is an amazing muscle. It feeds the body, it feels emotions. The heart is quite the multi-tasker, it maintains the current of blue plasma through the freeway of veins while sending our brains morse coded love notes.

The heart and left ring digit are eternally connected by a single vein, I call that vein Cupid St..

While lying in bed, my mind going over today’s schedule, my ears soaking in the lyrics to Sail, my heart went from a normal rhythm to one hard beat then nothing. At least it felt as though it stopped, seriously. I couldn’t feel it beating in the center of my chest. I couldn’t see it’s pulsating motion. While I could feel my pulse, it’s as though my heart went missing. After a couple of minutes, all was right…the beat was back.

As I sat in bed, my mind began crunching every possibility of what was happening. I know this makes me sound like I’m crazy and I’d agree with you, I was slightly freaked. In the end of analyzing my present situation, my brain came up with one option…possible warning sign of a heart attack, or a weird palpation. I’ve had both, so that automatically becomes the first scenario, the scenario that seems most logical.

So, I lied back down allowed the music to calm this anomoly.

As morning waved hello, I began scrolling through the daily news on my phone. My time to keep up with what’s what in this beautifully chaotic world. An article caught my attention, the cliff notes version…that even though you haven’t met your soulmate yet, your hearts are already connected. Your heart can feel when their heart is happy or broken. While I believe anything is truly possible, I wasn’t quite sold on that article.

However, as the hours of sunlight diminished, my brain couldn’t help but, ponder that curious article. What if soulmates hearts are somehow connected in a way…what if my heart felt a moment of “his” pain. I say pain because that hard beat followed by not feeling anything at all was in no way pleasant.

I don’t know…

Last night was indeed weird….

Quite the anomaly…

I want you forever even when we’re not together… – MGK

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Rollin’ with the Big Dogs

Well, it’s an eye opening experience. My first time rolling with the big dogs and what I’ve learned is that there are those who still think that they can screw over the newbies.

Last year a major publishing company signed with me and I thought that I was at the starting line of an amazing adventure in publishing and promoting my memoir.

I knew that selling my life’s story would be challenging, the memoir genre isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. So when this publisher sent me a contract I was over the moon happy. I was sent a contributory contract, which I completely understood why they offered it. They’re taking a chance on a nobody. I read the contract over, took some time to process my thoughts then moved forward.

Long, frustrating story short…the different editors, marketing personnel and accounting personnel I have been dealing with since last July has been nothing other than a giant stressful mess. One sided emails on my side, short cut off responses (it is like they give me just enough info to shut me up for a while, but without ever replying with actual updates or information). The services that were supposed to be provided by them in promoting my book hasn’t been provided, I have paid for outside promotional services and blog tours as well as posting on my own social media.

This is in no way me bitching, this is me feeling duped and fed up with lies, empty promises and the big dogs screwing with the newbies.

I am usually the one to bite my tongue, but my tongue is scarred enough from complaining it in the past. Not this time. I’m tired of being taken advantage of, tired of those that think I’m some dumb chick whom they can ignore. Certain emails will be sent out in the next couple of days, professional and factual, but sent.

While I’m stressing over the fact of starting the query process for sending out my new manuscript all over again, I welcome that stress rather than dealing with these snakes. I’ve already gone to the grocery store and stocked up on ice cream.

These big dogs have messed with the wrong misfit.

My Dad has two sayings…

“Sabos never give up.”

And my personal favorite…

“If you’re going to roll with the big dogs then you’ve gotta learn to shit in the tall grass.”

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From Me to You 🖤

Hey guys, hope you’re having an awesome day, afternoon or night. I thought I’d share an excerpt from my book with you. Below is part of the opening letter that I have written to you, the reader. I hope you enjoy it and feel free to share your thoughts. 🖤

**How y’all doin’? Perfectly imperfect I hope. Well, I come to you today because I have a favor to ask of you. I need you to do me a kindness. Don’t worry, it won’t take up much of your time and it doesn’t cost a single shiny Lincoln, however, it does require a few ounces of brain power and an open space in your heart. I have a story for you… Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “Oh great, another book about a nobody’s life. A tale of how a nobody had a great childhood then hit a pot hole or two while growing up, but in the end found herself and had a happily ever after.” Well congrats, you are 50% correct. This is indeed a tale of a nobody’s life, however, the bits about finding herself and having a happily ever are slightly off. My tale is about a young girl born with an unwanted label cemented onto her forehead, a label that cast a beautiful curse upon her heart. Do you know what it feels like to be a happy kid and then to have that rug pulled from under your feet? To go from feeling broken to damaged to completely worthless in one swift motion? How about wanting so much to fit in that it starts to break you down into a reflection that your 20/20 vision can no longer make out? To be marked as “different”?

I have a story to tell you, a story filled with happiness drowned out by brokenness, sprinkled with darkness and topped with a delicious suicide attempt. Served alongside is a refreshing shot of completely losing one’s self, ending in rebuilding an underdog to become an invincible version of a beautifully imperfect human.

So here we are; just you and I sitting in a cozy place getting ready for the story that I have to tell. Now whether you listen or not is your decision…

I’m just a problem that doesn’t wanna be solved… -Fall Out Boy

So here I am sharing a few shining pieces of these letters about the people that protect my stitched scars. Embrace its honesty and pass on its contagiousness.**

CLICK THIS BLUE SENTENCE TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF DEAR YOU

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Dangerous Humans

If I were to ask you who the most dangerous type of people are, I’m guessing your answer would lie somewhere along the lines with murderers, psychopaths or possibly MI6 specially trained operates (I may have recently watched a 007 movie 🙃). Now your answers are considered correct, those are some very dangerous types of people, however, there is one other type of person that could be considered equally dangerous…

Those humans that don’t need other humans. That exclusive species that stopped needing others in there lives. They are completely stabilized and functional solo. This isn’t to say that they have no one in their lives, it is simply that those that reside in their circle are wanted not needed. See, when you eliminate needing someone in your life vs. wanting someone in your life, you eliminate the pain that normally would be inevitable if anyone should betray you or leave you.

Needing = walls down & attached strings

Wanting = guard up & no strings

This isn’t a recommended way of living life. It has been scientifically proven that we humans function and thrive better amongst each other. However, sometimes life has this not so funny way of throwing a monkey wrench into your world, ultimately breaking your world. So, sometimes the only way one can rebuild and restart is to practice the lone wolf life style. We want people in our lives, we just don’t allow ourselves to need them. Mainly due to past experiences that created new fears.

It’s just me, myself and I so I’ll ride until I die ’cause I got me for life… – G-Eazy

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The Death of Cupid

Hey guys, hope you’re doing well. Tonight I thought I’d share a piece I wrote a few years back. No one has seen this until now, I hope you enjoy this little creative writing piece….

I dreamt of you once again, a bittersweet sub-conscious reunion as it always is. You starred at me with that piercing glance, causing every dark thought to commence in a never ending game of tag.

The all too common small talk is exchanged as if we were awkward strangers exchanging pleasant introductions. My mind pondering the equation, searching for a solution as to why we continue this dull dance every time we meet in this fogged place. This is becoming beyond my understanding, but spin and swirl I will, just to toy with you.

Perhaps this dance of ours is our twisted way of suffocating the obvious. Perhaps it is just the two of us stupidly playing chicken. Unnoticably, a comforting conversation on a deeper level forms and that all too uneasy feeling numbs my mind, for only you have been the one who knows how to crack my shell and visa-versa.

These dreams of you, of us, have been the most challenging to murder. As much as I love these sub-conscious visits and seeing your calming presence, these dreams need to stop, now. I need these dreams to quit playing during my stolen hours and I mean stop in a big bad way. These dreams are hurting my core, these dreams are causing me to hope for wishes that will never come true.

You and I were never meant to be in reality, no matter the feelings that lay on the table. Why my sub-conscious can’t copy and paste this information is beginning to frustrate. My minds rambunctious thoughts need to let this theory go, if not for their own sanity then for mine.

Tonight this static fantasy will end. Tonight I will allow myself to sleep so that the demons can come out and play. I will raise my hands in the air as the darkness recites me my rights. I will deny any representation and allow those playful demons to press the suicide button.

“Do not look for my heart anymore, the beasts have eaten it”. – Charles Baudelaire