Sneaky Grin

A chilled 57* and that beautiful Cheshire cat moon grins from 250 thousand miles up…

Snug under the covers, sipping on a steaming mug of BlackBerry cinnamon tea and listening to Home is Such a Lonely Place by Blink 182 while jotting down thought after thought on these blue lines…

Hoppus sings the line, “this universe an empty place without you…” which triggers your image to pop into my mind. I don’t even know you, yet those above words rings true like violin strings playing in the background…

Nights have been spent staying away from the Sandman, no zzzz’s equals no dreams. These dreams these past months have been nothing short of bittersweet. This comatose vision of you and me is sweet. The way you look at me, your eyes piercing right past my disorder, my scars. What most choose not to see past, you have made glow. For all you see is who I truly am at my core. Your eyes are beautiful and that smile of yours, damn your handsome…

Then Sunshine Riptide begins to play, signaling my cue to get up, outta bed and face the world. In that moment of that first morning stretch the realization that these dreams are ones that aren’t meant to come true is so bitter…

Tonight…tonight I think I’ll try and catch a few of those notorious zzz’s. If a dream of you sneaks in, then that’s just the bright red cherry on top. Besides, these days I need a little sweetness…

Mmmm, this tea is pretty tasty and how I do love that luminous sneaky grin moon.

I want you forever even when we’re not together… -Machine Gun Kelly

True Story Bro

Nickname: Well I have a couple… my friends call me D and my brother calls me Bones.

Any siblings: Yes indeed… the lineup is as follows: Me, Alyssa aka Lu and Zach aka Bubba.

Do you drink: Rarely, I’m not too keen on alcohol, however, every so often I do enjoy a Mike’s hard black cherry lemonade or a Corona with a pinch of salt and a lime wedge of course.

Favorite store: Well, you can more times than not find me perusing bookstores, music shops, the market/ farmer’s markets.

Phobia: You all know this list…lol. Clowns, Porcelain Dolls (yes that includes puppets and ventriloquist dolls). I have a deeper fear, but let’s keep the tempo of this blog light shall we.

Cats or dogs: I love both, but if needing to lean towards one a little more…I love the dogs.

Idea of the perfect date: I’m a simple girl who would be in heaven with a pizza and a movie…yeah, I know…

Any scars/piercings or tattoos: Scars, yeah I’ve got a few. A couple mental, a couple physical (my partying gifts from time spent in the hospital, lol) Scars are still sexy right? Piercings, nope not a one. Tattoos, I have four strategically placed tattoos (get your mind outta the gutter 😜).

Last time you cried: That’s for me, Rico, Bob, Carol, Karen, Jose, Angela and Steve to know and for you to find out. PS, I have no idea who any of those people are.

Do you give second chances: Depends on the crime committed. Parole is possible lol.

Favorite animal: Sea turtles and giraffes are frickin awesome. I know the question isn’t in plural form, but I’m a rule bender, sometimes.

Favorite sports teams: Baseball: Yankees, Football: Giants, Hockey: Kings, Basketball: Lakers.

Favorite color: Purple

Favorite flower: Lilies, Sunflowers and Candycane Roses.

Most important person: My family and friends.

Jealous type: Not even, I don’t have time for that toxic shit. Jealousy ruins trust.

Biggest wish: Finding happiness and love.

Biggest fear: I thought we were keeping this light. Alright, if I must… My biggest fear is that one day I will self destruct, losing to myself.

Favorite band: I love how we go from a deep level to casual conversation in just two questions. I’m going with my top five here… Fall Out Boy, 3DD, Twenty One Pilots, Blink 182, Eminem (I know he’s technically not a band, but his music gets me through those frustrating moments).

Favorite song right now: Trouble by Cage the Elephant and Bandito by TØP.

Someone you miss: My Popee.

Something you love/ hate about yourself: I’m pretty fond of my freckles. I hate that I’m a sucker for those infamous puppy dog eyes.

Day or Night: They both have their inspiring moments.

Lantern

I woke up with this feeling of wanting today to already end, but time spent with family and wishes from friends made my heart glow, my face crack a cheerful grin and my veins flood with gratefulness…

The Cali sun warmed these Autumn skies as a trip to the coffee shop soothed my thoughts…

Today, a day that’s not labeled as my favorite, turned out lovely…

These skies are fire orange, luminous as the sun tucks itself in for the night. A chill night indulgent in Chinese cuisine and a few favorite shows…

The 10:10 moment is nearing, the moon beautiful as always and a single star peering out a touch brighter. I take a deep breath, look up and pray my silent prayer. One day I hope I find you because while I’d wait forever for you, my soul is growing weary…

Now here I am, another year older and even a bit wiser. This day is done, the night air is calmingly crisp. A little music, a little writing, a little chestnut praline latte (tis the season) and a little thinking about you…

Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe. I will stay so the lantern in your heart won’t fade… -Jon Bellion

Morphing 2018

I have morphed from a young kiddo to an interesting human…

I have morphed from the broken girl always in the hospital to the immortal mortal, Death clearly isn’t ready…

I have morphed from the suicidal teen to a voice who won’t shut up about ending this suffocating stigma attached to mental health…

I have morphed from the immature girl who would enter into wrong relationships, eluded by the notion that at least I wasn’t lonely, when in fact I had never felt lonelier. Guys that didn’t deserve what and who I am, each breaking me down. It took the toxicity of dating a sociopath for my eyes to truly open, for my mind to reevaluate and for my heart to realize that waiting for my genuine Jack isn’t asking for too much…

I have morphed from the quiet doormat to taking care of myself and starting to stand up for my values, for myself. I have detoxified my atmosphere, those whom I surround myself with, both in reality and the internet…

I have morphed from Derra to Derra Nicole!

I’ll morph to someone else, I’m just a ghost…defense mechanism mode… -Twenty One Pilots

Riddler

Riddle me this…

I don’t know you, so why are you…

…constantly on my mind?

…constantly in my heart?

…constantly popping into my dreams?

…what do I do?

Got so much to lose
Got so much to prove
God, don’t let me lose my mind

Trouble on my left, trouble on my right
I’ve been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love, won’t you pull me through?
Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of you

Cracked Cement

Years back my heart was trapped in an extremely toxic relationship and after managing to escape that nightmare I took as much time as I needed to be broken…to repair.

Not wanting to replay the past, I decided to keep any relationship casual. No strings, no commitment, no personal attachment whatsoever. However, casual ended up not working out, seems as though I’m not the master of detachment as I thought I was. But, a serious relationship was not a card in the deck. See, part of being in a serious relationship means that your walls need to be taken down, that you allow your fears and insecurities to be seen…you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Love means that you have placed your trust and your heart into the hands of your partner while praying to God that they don’t break your heart or use your insecurities against you, resulting in your destruction. Honestly, the most terrifying aspect of love. One aspect I didn’t want to go through again.

So I devised this plan of giving up on looking for “the one”, giving up on love. I knew that my heart would be filled with pain by this suffocation, but I figured that this type of pain was better than feeling the pain created by another. At least this type of pain was one that I could control. I never said that this was a smart plan, it just seemed necessary.

This ridiculous plan that my brain conjured up seemed to work, at least in my blind eyes. However, as of lately a different type of pain has seeped into my heart like venom, but I can’t suck it out. I am walking through unfamiliar territory here, a darkness I can’t see in, control that’s out of my control.

This different pain, it’s sadness and emptiness entangled together and it runs through a deepness that I had never felt before. This ticker of mine, it continues to beat yet without rhythm. I feel it thumping inside my ribcage, yet it’s not alive.

I hate this level of heaviness I’m feeling, but I can’t seem to resesitate the contentment that my heart used to hold.

I thought that I was better off alone…I’m supposed to be able to better alone…I’m the one who supposed to survive through anything…