Myocardium Madness

I can hear it again, my heart beat vibrating into my right eardrum…

As crazy as that sounds, it’s also worrying…

These thumps so vivid that only numbing lyrics can temporarily snuff out the pulsating sound…

I’ve been in this place once upon a time ago, I just hope the results aren’t the same…

Only during the ambient hours of midnight black does this beating heart travel up into my ear, it silences itself during awaken hours of sunrays…

No pain is stabbing my chest or head, so I’m good. No numbness running up my left arm, so I’m good. No dizziness or shortness of breath, so I’m good. These bones are titanium strong, so I’m good. This body and all of it’s interworkings are so healthy that it’s sickening 😉 so I’m good.

So, why this again? What’s the meaning…?

My eyes keep searching for an answer as to why this ticker is beating so loudly, this morse coded message it’s trying to send, but the popcorn ceiling isn’t revealing anything…

You will never be able to escape from your heart, so it is better to listen to what it has to say… -Paulo Coelho

3 Quotes in 3 Days: Day 3

This is the last quote for this mini series. I really enjoyed this challenge, I believe quotes not only inspire our minds, but also aid in relaying our heart’s message when our lips become too apprehensive to speak.

Now this wouldn’t my blog without sharing a lyrical quote. Today’s message is from a punk rock legend, the lead singer of a band that I’ve been a fan of since I was a 12 year old youngster. The one and only…Mark Hoppus.

Who musically inspires you?

3 Days, 3 Quotes: Day 1

I love a good quote, be it lyrical or spoken. I came across this challenge over on The Perks of Being Different blog, loved the theme so I decided to join this trend. I’m not usually a trend follower, but once in a while it’s fun to hop on board.

Today’s quote has been a favorite of mine for a long time, ever since my eyes soaked it in and my heart melted. It is a pretty infamous one…

Out of all the quotes residing within the world of love, this is the most elegant, pure, honest and romantic. In my opinion of course.

What is your favorite love quote?

Until tomorrow… ❤

Drowning Beautifully

You entered my dreams last night, a very unwelcome visitor is what you portrayed. My family, friends and kind strangers haven’t been a component of my twisted dreams for a few months now and that’s how I intend to keep it. But, last night…there you were in all of your manipulating charm. Those deceiving eyes matching that damned grin on your smug face. First subconscious glimpse of you brought a tight knot in the center of my gut while every bolt reinforced throughout my walls.

Alone, sitting in the center of my woods…a perfectly gloomy fog hovered over a slightly frozen breeze. Under my favorite tree I sat, notebook and pen in hand, headphones vibrating Home by Eminem and hood covering my spinning head as a subtly mysterious mist swirled through these childhood woods. Once a place I feared now feels more like home than reality.

In a bubble of contentment I sat, black scribbles spilling out on those blue lines, Crashed inspiration lighting every bulb in this mechanical mind of mine. This dream was the best I had had in a very long time. No monsters from under my bed…no blue plasma dripping out from past scars…no looped inception or golden hearts to guard. Just me, my scars and therapeutic lyrics. That was until you…..

Every time I feel as though every piece of me is exempt from every piece of you an unwanted memory seeps into my world. A message here, a message there….all I want is you to permanently vanish. Hell, as bad as this sounds, I wish you’d just find another woman to ruin. It has been seven years come May since I escaped your toxic grip, a place I’ll never return to.

I do not yet know why you entered my subliminal world, but you best leave. This warning isn’t to allow you a chance to find safety, this is me not wanting to transform into that past unfamiliar shape I was when I was in your company. My woods have been calm chaos, do not cause a shift in my contentment. Please leave and take this knot in my stomach and toxic blood in my veins with you.

It has been some time since I’ve woken in a shaken cold sweat.

This is my world…You’re no longer welcome.

“I’m dying to breathe and all you do is strangle me…” _Eminem ft. Skylar Grey

darkforest_by_discurrere

Sandcastle

Now I don’t know about you, but for me the beach is my sanctuary. It is the one place on this planet where the storm within calms and every scar temporarily vanishes. Every crack is filled with gold, once again I feel completely whole.

From sunrise to well after sunset my soul soaks in sand and ocean. As the bonfire sparks spiral up into the black star studded sky, my ears concentrate on the crashing waves allowing my lungs to breathe.

Tonight my body is in beach mode, however my mind remains in the real world, distracted and conflicted.

I feel like a sandcastle that is one wave away from being washed away.

They say it’s what you make, I say its up to fate… -Imagine Dragons

You

I dreamt of you once again, a bittersweet reunion as it always is. Before a single word is spilled you stare at me with that playful glance, casing my dark thoughts to engage in a game of Tag…

The all too common small chat begins its exchange. Why we continue this “now press repeat” dance is becoming beyond my understanding, but spin and swirl I will…

Perhaps this dance is our way of silently suffocating the obvious. Perhaps it is just simply our way of stupidly playing Chicken…

Awkwardly comforting a conversation on a deeper level falls into place. You have been the only one who knows how to perfectly crack my shell and visa-versa…

These dreams of you, of us, are sparkling. However, as eye-catching as they are, they need to stop. Murdering them has been challenging to say the least, but a challenge I must endure. As much as I love dreaming of your handsome image and as much as your golden thoughts slowly mend my brokenness, I need this to end… I need these teasing dreams to quit toying with my stolen hours…

In reality, you and I were never meant to be, why my subconscious can’t copy and paste this, I am unsure of. The rambunctious thoughts that reside in the back of my brain need to burn this untold story. If not to protect their own sanity, then to protect mine…

Tonight this fantasy will end. Tonight I will sleep. My hands will rise in the cold air as the darkness recites my rights. I will deny any representation and allow the demons to press the suicide button.

If you love me let me go… these words are knives that often leave scars, truth be told I never was yours…

-Panic at the Disco

3 Minutes & 47 Seconds

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” -Maya Angelou

Ok, so I hope that this blog doesn’t come off sounding like a pity party, that’s the last thing I want. Life is hard, all the way around. As exhilarating and breathtaking as it is, there are times when darkness and shit storms hit. My life, for a period of time, was a constant thunderous shit storm (at least it seemed as though it was). 14 years of being mentally, emotionally and even physically thrown around and pulled under monstrous waves is exhausting. Day in and day out my main goal was to simply keep my head above water and hope that my legs didn’t lock from constantly treading.

Losing one’s self and feeling like a worthless human, questioning existence, is a place I wish no one ever enter, not even my worst enemy.

These days I keep my dark place under lock and key. Anytime life winds the pitch, taunting me with the countdown before that infamous curveball is thrown I sink into my headphones and soak in that lyrical morphine. Music has always been and will always be more than just something that I can “shake what my mama gave me” to, it’s my escape, it’s the place where I can vanish into and figure out my next moves so that I can hit that curveball out of the ballpark instead of getting slammed by it. On my phone you’ll find the Spotify app and on that app you’ll find several playlists. Each playlist is curated with bands and songs that aid in whatever mood or situation I’m currently in.

From punk/ pop/ alternative rock to hip hop/ rap… from screamer tunes to blue love songs… from heartache to heartbreak to numbed pain… from head swaying to lip syncing. I’ve got a dose of whatever’s needed. Music is endless and the word “favorite” when it comes to bands, artists, songs or genres is wide open. There is, however, one song in particular that stops my world and leaves me vulnerably open for 3 minutes and 47 seconds. This songs places my mind in a nostalgic truth and melts my world. To me, this song is the perfect relationship and in a way it’s life. I Miss You by Blink 182. From the music to the lyrics, it’s heart stopping. No matter what I’m doing, when this song comes on I press pause and take a dose of sanity. It’s my key.