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Four Years Ago

Four years ago…

Sitting here on the cooling sands, watching the sun kiss the moon goodnight, a fleet of memories and realities slam my mind. As the breeze calls for my hoodie to cover my chilled bones, these tears begin to trickle down my freckled cheeks. The thought of my demise never bothered me, this type of life that was cursed upon me includes death as a forefront thought that never takes a break. Yet here I am, shivering at the thought that death has finally kissed my forehead.

My past flashing by, the memories of birthdays and holidays spiral by. Watergun fights, family Bbq’s, endless beach trips, graduations, family game nights, concerts and hockey games.

Past scars temporarily unstitching themselves causing flashes of surgeries, bullies and dark times that tried to break me and damn near did.

I survived. Everything the world hurled at me and here I am still dancing.

Then my mind shifted to all the future beautiful moments I’m never going to witness.

Sharing my story with others, being their jumpsuits. Turning up the volume in ending the stigma that continues to stifle the suicidal hearts. I had plans…

Is the toxicity of my last relationship going to be what I have to try and consider love?

I’m never going to find true love, to have that day of saying “I do” to my “Jack” in front of our family and close friends…I’ll never have kids, to see them grow up, smile as they wake Christmas morning, to make pancakes with them on weekends, to watch them fall in love with the beach while enjoying an gooey s’more and bonfires. I’ll never get to cheer them on at their sports games, school plays, graduations. I’ll never get to spoil them on their birthdays or hand over those keys when they get their license.

The thought of watching my kids find their soulmates, having families of their own and being the Grandma who gets to spoil her grandkids is fading with every tear. The wish of sitting on the front porch with my partner when we’re 80 years old, sipping tea and remenicsing down memory lane was vastly slipping into the land of the forgotten.

These dreams of mine hung in the balance right beside these decisions I need to sign, seal and deliver.

Do I pull myself back into the world I swore I’d never reenter?

Do I do morph, fight and conquer once again? Do I have enough energy, enough will to do so?

What if this battle isn’t victorious…all the research I’ve done (from dietary changes to vitamins, supplements) what if it fails. Do I cave to professionals or do I punch out (PAS) while I’m still myself?

Every memory played in my mind like the most beautifully intense movie I’ve ever seen.

Every broken dream flickered in my eyes.


Four years later…turns out this world and I aren’t finished with one another yet…

Perhaps that kiss from death was for good luck in the future…

Everytime I think I’m done, something pulls me back in…

I just wish I knew what that something is because I’d like to say thank you…

I’ll be right there, but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air…if you need anyone… -Twenty One Pilots

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It’s crazy… I feel like more of an outcast in a community that I’m supposed to feel belonged in than I do as a human residing in the rest of the world.

Judgement is felt more amongst “my people” than it is from those who see me purchasing my Starbucks and shopping at Target.

I find myself more and more curious as to why that is…

Maybe it’s because I am a rebel.

The one who chooses to defy the statistics…the one who chooses to share my story in hopes of helping others rather than play the “victim” to gain free advancements.

Maybe it is because I live my life according to my own views rather than remain trapped inside ORs as the surgeon’s guinea pig because he knows what’s best.

Or, maybe it is mainly because I choose to find the silver lining at the end of a shitty day, knowing that tomorrow is a fresh start, rather than pull everyone into my shit storm so they’ll feel sorry for me.

So, if I don’t fit into “your world” then where do I fit in…where do I belong…

I fit into the smiles and laughter of my family and friends. I fit into the star studded universe where my Guardian Angel resides, watching over me. I fit into these bones of mine that are made up of molecules from my ancestors. I fit into the empty space inside of my future love’s heart.

I belong right here, amongst the sand, the ocean and this cotton candy sunset.

I am a rebel.

Jumpsuit, Jumpsuit cover me… -Twenty One Pilots

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Nico & The Niners

World: “Ok, what song are we contemplating today?”

Me: “Well, since you asked… today we are contemplating Nico and The Niners.”

World: “Hmmm, sounds interesting. Go ahead and play it.”

Me: “Go ahead and play it…. what do you think I’ve been playing all day long? Seriously…do you know me at all? C’mon dude.”

World: “I’m sor….”

Me: “Nope.”

World: “Insulted…?”

Me: “Yep 😝”

My jumpsuit is on steady…I’m lighter when I’m lower, I’m higher when I’m heavy…East is up.. -Twenty Øne Piløts

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World: “Are you going to be playing Jumpsuit on a loop all day long?”

Me: “The fact that you’re even asking me that question shows how little you know me.”

World: “I’m sorrry… ”

Me: “Nope, you’ve already insulted me..” 😝🖤💛🖤

Spirits in my room, friend or foe? Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old… -Twenty Øne Piløts

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One Star, One Wish, One Song

A cool 66* summer breeze…Jet Pack Blues playing on a loud loop in my Beats by Dre…a smooth oreo mint shake slowly placing my stomach into a coma with every sip…a single star shinning a bit brighter than the others catches my irises…my mind praying a silent pray upon it…

I don’t know what you’re doing at this very moment, perhaps you’re gazing up at the same sky as I am and then again perhaps you’re not. In any case, you know what I wish…

I wish you could hear what my mind continually thinks when it ponders about you…

I wish you feel what my heart feels as it beats these Morse coded lyrics…

I wish our souls were mates meant to be, however, I fear that this is one-sided. I once read that not every soul has a match, they may be yours, but you’re not theirs. I often wonder if this is true…

I wish you were here sitting next to me, that we could become lost in conversation up into the sun rising. Talking about everything and nothing…

While my heart and veins tell me to keep hope alive that one day we will meet, my mind tells me to stop making wishes on far away stars…

She’s singing “baby come home” in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time…-Fall Out Boy

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Today I want to be anybody…

Anybody other than myself.

The cerebral storm is paralyzing and my skin is suffocatingly shrinking against my tiny skeletal frame, tighter and tighter in every tic of that toc clock. Cutting off every deep feeling of touch and pausing the flow of the blue plasma.

This invisible boxer inside my internal ring is ruthlessly throwing dirty punches.

The reflection on the looking glass has a Die Hard mission in mocking my bones today. The arsenal is fully loaded containing demonized grenades, villainous A-K 47’s locked & loaded with cursed bullets and lastly, a grip of numbing smoke bombs.

93.7% of these fading days consist of improvising contentment and a genuine humbled smile. But, not today…

Nope, today is one of those rare 6.3% days were I want to be anybody other than myself.

So, with my hood on and headphones shielding, I step outside. For the world still spins on its axis and I still have a life needing to be lived.


All these voices in my head get loud, I wish that I could shut them out… -NF

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Book Review with Sprinkle of Books: Dear You

Firstly, I want to thank Sprinkle of Books for participating in the Dear You blog tour. Below is their review. Enjoy 🤓

*I was sent a copy of this book for review as part of a blog tour. All opinions are honest and my own*

I’m just going to start this off by saying I loved this. It’s the first read in a while, where I just feel so connected to what is being told. Dear You is a collection of letters, written by Derra to family and friends, narrating parts of her life. In such a short space of time, you learn so much about Derra and what she has been through, both the good and the bad and more importantly, how she has come back from the bad.
I loved the format of this and the personal feel to each letter. It just felt like such a unique experience and almost felt like I was joined with Derra, following her journey for real.
Each letter told a new part of Derra’s story, it was a new connection to Derra. I felt like I had known her all my life, but also that I hadn’t.
The depth to each letter, reading all these glimpses of events that happened to Derra made me so emotional. I never really cry at books, but everything about this one seemed to make me feel such strong emotions and I felt I had a real connection to Derra, despite having next to no similarities.
There were some hard bits to get through in this story and I only managed to get through them because I realised that for me to be reading about them, meant they had actually happened to Derra, It was like a rollercoaster of emotions reading letter to letter, but one I’m glad I went on.
I loved the relationship Derra has with her father, with the water fights etc. It was such a cute father, daughter relationship and made me smile for them. I also enjoyed reading about the letters to both her sister and her brother, showing the sibling relationships that I can relate to very much. It seemed to push this really important family dynamic and it was interesting to see this from a different persons’ perspective.
Along the way there are some quite motivational and inspiring moments as we read about the problems Derra has overcome and how she has managed to become such a strong person. I really loved these bits and felt I could relate so much.
Overall, I’m really glad I got the chance to read and review such an important, but also personal book. I’d definitely recommend this to anyone, but please keep in mind this book does cover some dark topics and these may be sensitive to some people. I’m definitely going to keep an eye out for more work from Derra and hope it can have as much of an affect as Dear You had on me.
Rate – 4.25/5