blog, blogging, creativewriting, life, love, mental health, writer, writing

Side Effects

This reflection was momentarily captured on the other side of this glass, small features have shifted, changes have been made…

The catch light that glows within those hazel eyes has dimmed and now it flickers like the fourth lightbulb…

The beat that vibrates her entire skeletal frame has lost some of its bass, soft almost unnoticeable…

The electric currents that race limitlessly around this luminous cerebral cortex has been having one too many glitches lately, causing frustration and confusion jams…

All of these mishaps equal a young old soul that is becoming weary, side effects of this internal conflict has been tears sneaking out of those dimming eyes…

A cure hasn’t been found…

Like neon inside glass, they form my brain. But, I recently discovered it’s a heatless fire… -Twenty One Pilots

blog, blogging, life, mental health, music, relationships, writer, writing

Morphing 2018

I have morphed from a young kiddo to an interesting human…

I have morphed from the broken girl always in the hospital to the immortal mortal, Death clearly isn’t ready…

I have morphed from the suicidal teen to a voice who won’t shut up about ending this suffocating stigma attached to mental health…

I have morphed from the immature girl who would enter into wrong relationships, eluded by the notion that at least I wasn’t lonely, when in fact I had never felt lonelier. Guys that didn’t deserve what and who I am, each breaking me down. It took the toxicity of dating a sociopath for my eyes to truly open, for my mind to reevaluate and for my heart to realize that waiting for my genuine Jack isn’t asking for too much…

I have morphed from the quiet doormat to taking care of myself and starting to stand up for my values, for myself. I have detoxified my atmosphere, those whom I surround myself with, both in reality and the internet…

I have morphed from Derra to Derra Nicole!

I’ll morph to someone else, I’m just a ghost…defense mechanism mode… -Twenty One Pilots

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September 29th, 2018

If I was allotted only one word to describe the other night, that word would be Epic.

This world we live in is torn between love and hate, there hasn’t been a balance in quite some time. Just as we were getting to that place of celebrating our differences, that place of common courtesy and acceptance…the world went into a dark spin causing a split chain reaction.

However, an event occured on Saturday, September 29th, 2018 that placed thousands of people under one roof for one purpose and one purpose only…

To rock their little beating hearts out…to soak in that reminder that we are all car crashed hearts.

For 4 hours, age…race…careers…body type…gender…sexual orientation…disabilities…Non of these statuses mattered.

The beats soothed any pain while the lyrics stitched every broken piece.

Every look was met with a smile and every interaction met with kindness.

Every body jumped and danced while every voice sang until their lungs gave out.

On Saturday, September 29th, 2018… everyone was equal.

Long live the car crashed hearts crying on the couch while the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five… -Fall Out Boy

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Smile

You see me smile…

We pass one another on the street, make eye contact and exchange a friendly smile…

You catch me at a restaurant enjoying a bite to eat with my friends, laughter and smiles are rolling…

At the theater you see me hanging with my Ma’, busting up at the latest blockbuster comedy…

At the coffee shop, you walk in and take a quick glance my way. I’m on my laptop or phone and a grin makes an appearance on my face…

Family time spent soaking in those vitamin-d rays while waves crash. A sunset bonfire crackling and memories relived in tears of joy. I crack a smirk.

A smile is a tricky feature…it is a double agent. A smile can be genuine in one moment and act as a mask in another. Pain, depression, anxiety…these mental monsters reside behind the smile.

The tricky part…it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between the two.

You see me smile…

I’ve got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match, what a catch… -Fall Out Boy

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5th Generation

In honor of #throwbackthursday I thought I’d share a piece I wrote a couple of years back. Get ready ’cause we’re going back to those good ol’ days when iPods ruled.

Solace is found in the sleekness of your jet black exterior. A sexy mechanical case that protects the technological hardware that clicks life into every gear and every wire. Your brightly lit screen displays a vast variety of downloaded medications that numb the cerebral migraine and band aid the internal gashes.

This candy apple red click wheel is somehow psychic. Its technical mind senses the core point of this current pain bleeding out. The morphine dosage is selected and a beautiful numbing agent begins to flow through inside and out.

Within these two earbuds, my invisible tears find peace. My human heart finds inspiration within these lyrics. My mechanical mind feeds off the aspirin like beats these drums vibrate. Within three minutes and forty seven seconds I find refuge.

Select… Play… Repeat… Breathe

Hello there…the angel from my nightmare, the shadow in the background of the morgue… -Blink 182

blog, blogging, creativewriting, life, mental health, music, writer, writing

Deep Breath

Do you ever find yourself taking an unexpected deep breath…

Lately I have noticed that these unexpected deep breaths keep sneaking their way into my days and nights. Out of the blue, my lungs feel the need to inhale a bit more oxygen.

In a weird way, after a deep breath I feel a bit more at ease…mentally and physically. These thoughts in my mind have been racing in a more sporadic manner lately rather than in an even flow. My body has been sleepless and anxious. The cerebral storm thunders a bit more monstrous at 2am.

However, these unexpected outta the blue deep breaths inject a sense of calm into my veins, they inhabit a sense of peace into my bones.

I inhale reassurance and exhale a negative thought. My focus is refocused.

Breathe in…..breathe out……

The P.A. system keeps my hard heart beating tonight…. -Fall Out Boy