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Verbal Traffic Jam

Reason #723 why I love music…when the verbal traffic jam hits, lyrics rush in to calm the mental rush hour.

(Ok, I don’t think that I could actually ramble off 723 reasons as to why I love music, however it’s nearly 1am and the brain isn’t currently caffeinated at high enough levels to fully function. So, you’ll have to cut me a little slack. 👻)

My mind is currently feeling all of the feels, more prominently this emotion…

Wanna know where I don’t go
When it goes from OK to a oh no
When it goes from hi five to a low blow
When it goes from all five to a solo
Lemme tell you what you don’t know
I been down, so low
I was looking for something but denying that I found it
There’s an elephant sitting in the room
And I can’t find another way to tiptoe around it
I been doing greater good for a long time
But I can’t find any other way to give now
I been putting myself on the sideline
And it’s been time so I’m saying can I live now…” -Mike Shinoda

My heart continues to feel this emotion.. and it won’t stop. ( How do I make it stop?)…

You could be my someone you could be my scene
You know that I’ll protect you from all of the obscene
I wonder what you’re doing imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us but that’s not very far…” -Puddle of Mudd

Well there it is, verbally expressed thoughts without speaking a single word.

Alright guys, I hope you have a good night or day and I’ll chat with you later. Time for a little ice cream and Netflix or Hulu…let’s see what looks good. Peace out. 🖤

I am Derra Sabo and I approve the above message 👍

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Words vs Actions vs Art

Sometimes…

Sometimes words don’t posses the capability to show a person’s heart, mind or soul…

Sometimes actions truly do speak volumes louder than the written language…

Sometimes a physical photo, a captured moment can assist in expressing what one’s mind, heart or soul looks like…a person’s interior, when all you see is the exterior…

My mind…

My heart…

My soul…

You don’t know my brain the way you know my name…you don’t my heart the way you know my face… -Twenty One Pilots

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Main Fear

The other day I read a quote that stated to write about what it is you fear most…

I think this is why I have tendencies to write about love as I’m lying wide awake at 2am…

Love, my mind doesn’t fear it for what it is, the fear lies within compartmentalized aspects…

Part of me fears the thought of “the jump”. Once you’ve jumped, hoping and trusting that the human on the other side will catch you, only to crash and burn, implants a sense of future distrust…

Part of me fears that the, what should be an honest commitment, will inevitably toxify into a dishonest cheat…

Part of me fears that what should be a loving, protective and respectful relationship will only break from tempered poison…

All of this equals the main fear of having the rug pulled from under my feet and losing another piece of my heart…

All of this creates a fear that these embedded scarred fears will cause my heart to miss out on a chance of genuine love…

These are the 2am thoughts that keep me up all night…

This is the one fear that I fear most…

Even when I doubt you…I’m no good without you… -Twenty One Pilots

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Nico & The Niners

World: “Ok, what song are we contemplating today?”

Me: “Well, since you asked… today we are contemplating Nico and The Niners.”

World: “Hmmm, sounds interesting. Go ahead and play it.”

Me: “Go ahead and play it…. what do you think I’ve been playing all day long? Seriously…do you know me at all? C’mon dude.”

World: “I’m sor….”

Me: “Nope.”

World: “Insulted…?”

Me: “Yep 😝”

My jumpsuit is on steady…I’m lighter when I’m lower, I’m higher when I’m heavy…East is up.. -Twenty Øne Piløts

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2 in the Morning

They say that if you pay close attention to the universe it actually sends you signs, whether towards your professional path or personal path.

As of lately I have been meditating for 10 minutes a day, mainly as an aid in helping with my anxiety and I’ve taken up Yoga for fitness plus it’s a great stress reliever. See, I’ve been off my personal game and I hate feeling so off.

Career wise I’m moving along at a balanced pace. Recently I did a week long blog tour for Dear You, will be doing a second blog tour in a couple of weeks, but this time it is a month long, I have pretty much finished my latest manuscript and am researching publishers to submit it to. I’ve started dabbling my hand at a fictional novel along with a couple other new opportunities that have come my way. Slowly, but surely the writing gig is growing strong.

My personal game, well I’ll be honest, I’m struggling. I have no queries with myself persay, I know who I am and what I want in life. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and have finally gotten to that beautiful place of inner contentment. It’s been one hell of a journey taken to get to this point, a few storms nearly wiped me out, but I’m still here standing strong and grateful for the whole experience thus far.

And yet, when that infamous 2am hour hits my fears seem to invade my mind and feed off of my deep insecurities.

The other night while sitting on the patio, sippin’ on a cup of “life juice” and soaking in the lyrics to Let You Down by NF, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie as I was getting a bit warm and my attention was drawn to the ink on my right arm. Embedded under my skin is every defining moment of my life, it breaks my heart to know that every one of those defined moments was a storm. However, every storm brings a rainbow. This ink represents both how the world tried to end me and how I survived. This somehow shrinks down when that clock strikes 2.

You want to know where my mind goes at that hour, what that warrior ink temporarily morphs into?

At 2am that ink becomes my demise, I run my left hand across that tatt and wonder if this is actually the reason why I haven’t found love yet. Is this actually my label signifying that I am “damaged” rather than a “warrior”? Will certain traits such as my personality, intelligence, my heart ever count for anything? Or are physical features the only aspect that is priority? If so then I am truly fucked, all because of these scars from those surgeries and a life cursed by a rare disorder. All of which I have zero control over. A life that I never asked for, but took and made it my own.

I’m beginning to wonder if my fate will ever mirror the image of Jack & Sally that’s embedded on my back.

Honestly, real talk here…I’m losing this tight grip I have on my faith in ever finding my missing piece.

See, I’ve been searchin’ for somethin’ out there, when is it comin’? Tell me what to tell myself… -Machine Gun Kelly

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One Star, One Wish, One Song

A cool 66* summer breeze…Jet Pack Blues playing on a loud loop in my Beats by Dre…a smooth oreo mint shake slowly placing my stomach into a coma with every sip…a single star shinning a bit brighter than the others catches my irises…my mind praying a silent pray upon it…

I don’t know what you’re doing at this very moment, perhaps you’re gazing up at the same sky as I am and then again perhaps you’re not. In any case, you know what I wish…

I wish you could hear what my mind continually thinks when it ponders about you…

I wish you feel what my heart feels as it beats these Morse coded lyrics…

I wish our souls were mates meant to be, however, I fear that this is one-sided. I once read that not every soul has a match, they may be yours, but you’re not theirs. I often wonder if this is true…

I wish you were here sitting next to me, that we could become lost in conversation up into the sun rising. Talking about everything and nothing…

While my heart and veins tell me to keep hope alive that one day we will meet, my mind tells me to stop making wishes on far away stars…

She’s singing “baby come home” in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time…-Fall Out Boy

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Riptide

**the scent of pre-rain intertwines with the slightly frosted breeze dancing within these reminiscent woods. Black hoodie on and candy cane rose in my hand, my feet travel back to the spot where the end morphed into the beginning…**

Hey sweet baby girl, how’s the afterlife party? I bet it’s one kickass bash, like New Year’s, Fourth of July and Halloween combined. I’m sorry it’s been too long between visits, I could deliver endless excuses as to why, but they’d be just that…excuses. Truth be told, it is becoming harder and harder to come back here to this spot.

I feel obligated to come back here from time to time, check-in in a way. Every time I leave I feel as though I mentally take a step backwards. A step I shouldn’t be taking. I put you here though, it was my past weakness that buried you seven feet deep.

My god, you were so full of life. So unguarded. Your eyes sparkled like a lighthouse, your laughter cute and contagious, your soul burned brilliantly, your heart untouched by pain and your mind pure. Then I allowed society to beat you down, bully your mind, make your heart feel worthless. I did that. I am so very sorry. You had been through too much unnecessary pain, this was the only way I could protect you, the only way I knew how to protect you. It definitely wasn’t plan “a”.

I want you to know that you’ve taught me so much since that night and while I am nowhere near any type of perfection, I owe a great deal of who I am to you. That night I made two promises to you. One, to keep going no matter how deeply pulled under the storm may drown me. Second, to keep our heart safely hidden until such a time occured when it appears safe. So far, so good.

Progress report, there’s been a few pretty treacherous storms (one that nearly defeated me). Even though these walls of mine are high, I’m learning to become more open yet remain cautious. The toxicology levels are diminishing as the mental wounds have healed and scarred over. That sparkle that was cracked is now filled with liquid gold. These grown eyes now shine like broken Christmas lights. As for this old soul, it surprisingly glows on, a flicker here and there, but it glows nonetheless.

The world tried to burn all the mercy outta me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it…. -Fall Out Boy

Our heart? Well, hidden it remains. Its wounds too have healed and the stitches have been removed from each scar. Our ticker is beating on, against every damn odd and statistic. I know that your one wish was for me to fulfill our ultimate dream, however, that is proving to be a bit daunting. I haven’t completely given up on your wish, I just want you to know that there’s a chance it may not happen. Not to your fault, but merely mine. I fear that I’ve seen too much of the darkness in human hearts to be able to trust and jump once more.

Even with all of the pain and darkness held behind these eyes, I still search for the rainbow at the end of every storm. And that’s due to you. Any ounce of hope or goodness that flows through my veins is because of you.

And I’ve been lookin’ for a long time, but I never found home. Everything is alright, I’m around for the long ride…. -Machine Gun Kelly

This may be the last time I visit our spot, but know that you have an eternal place with me. Every time I see this robotic heart that’s inked into my skin, I think of you, of us and how we’ve made it to this point. How did we make it this far? I guess like the proverbial tootsie pop, the world may never know.

Storms moving in, I should go. Before I do, do me a favor…tell Popee that I’m working on it, what we last talked about.

I love you baby girl, you continue to rest easy. I’ve got it from here.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the sunshine riptide, dancing all alone in the morning light… -Fall Out Boy