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Nico & The Niners

World: “Ok, what song are we contemplating today?”

Me: “Well, since you asked… today we are contemplating Nico and The Niners.”

World: “Hmmm, sounds interesting. Go ahead and play it.”

Me: “Go ahead and play it…. what do you think I’ve been playing all day long? Seriously…do you know me at all? C’mon dude.”

World: “I’m sor….”

Me: “Nope.”

World: “Insulted…?”

Me: “Yep 😝”

My jumpsuit is on steady…I’m lighter when I’m lower, I’m higher when I’m heavy…East is up.. -Twenty Øne Piløts

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2 in the Morning

They say that if you pay close attention to the universe it actually sends you signs, whether towards your professional path or personal path.

As of lately I have been meditating for 10 minutes a day, mainly as an aid in helping with my anxiety and I’ve taken up Yoga for fitness plus it’s a great stress reliever. See, I’ve been off my personal game and I hate feeling so off.

Career wise I’m moving along at a balanced pace. Recently I did a week long blog tour for Dear You, will be doing a second blog tour in a couple of weeks, but this time it is a month long, I have pretty much finished my latest manuscript and am researching publishers to submit it to. I’ve started dabbling my hand at a fictional novel along with a couple other new opportunities that have come my way. Slowly, but surely the writing gig is growing strong.

My personal game, well I’ll be honest, I’m struggling. I have no queries with myself persay, I know who I am and what I want in life. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and have finally gotten to that beautiful place of inner contentment. It’s been one hell of a journey taken to get to this point, a few storms nearly wiped me out, but I’m still here standing strong and grateful for the whole experience thus far.

And yet, when that infamous 2am hour hits my fears seem to invade my mind and feed off of my deep insecurities.

The other night while sitting on the patio, sippin’ on a cup of “life juice” and soaking in the lyrics to Let You Down by NF, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie as I was getting a bit warm and my attention was drawn to the ink on my right arm. Embedded under my skin is every defining moment of my life, it breaks my heart to know that every one of those defined moments was a storm. However, every storm brings a rainbow. This ink represents both how the world tried to end me and how I survived. This somehow shrinks down when that clock strikes 2.

You want to know where my mind goes at that hour, what that warrior ink temporarily morphs into?

At 2am that ink becomes my demise, I run my left hand across that tatt and wonder if this is actually the reason why I haven’t found love yet. Is this actually my label signifying that I am “damaged” rather than a “warrior”? Will certain traits such as my personality, intelligence, my heart ever count for anything? Or are physical features the only aspect that is priority? If so then I am truly fucked, all because of these scars from those surgeries and a life cursed by a rare disorder. All of which I have zero control over. A life that I never asked for, but took and made it my own.

I’m beginning to wonder if my fate will ever mirror the image of Jack & Sally that’s embedded on my back.

Honestly, real talk here…I’m losing this tight grip I have on my faith in ever finding my missing piece.

See, I’ve been searchin’ for somethin’ out there, when is it comin’? Tell me what to tell myself… -Machine Gun Kelly

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One Star, One Wish, One Song

A cool 66* summer breeze…Jet Pack Blues playing on a loud loop in my Beats by Dre…a smooth oreo mint shake slowly placing my stomach into a coma with every sip…a single star shinning a bit brighter than the others catches my irises…my mind praying a silent pray upon it…

I don’t know what you’re doing at this very moment, perhaps you’re gazing up at the same sky as I am and then again perhaps you’re not. In any case, you know what I wish…

I wish you could hear what my mind continually thinks when it ponders about you…

I wish you feel what my heart feels as it beats these Morse coded lyrics…

I wish our souls were mates meant to be, however, I fear that this is one-sided. I once read that not every soul has a match, they may be yours, but you’re not theirs. I often wonder if this is true…

I wish you were here sitting next to me, that we could become lost in conversation up into the sun rising. Talking about everything and nothing…

While my heart and veins tell me to keep hope alive that one day we will meet, my mind tells me to stop making wishes on far away stars…

She’s singing “baby come home” in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time…-Fall Out Boy

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Riptide

**the scent of pre-rain intertwines with the slightly frosted breeze dancing within these reminiscent woods. Black hoodie on and candy cane rose in my hand, my feet travel back to the spot where the end morphed into the beginning…**

Hey sweet baby girl, how’s the afterlife party? I bet it’s one kickass bash, like New Year’s, Fourth of July and Halloween combined. I’m sorry it’s been too long between visits, I could deliver endless excuses as to why, but they’d be just that…excuses. Truth be told, it is becoming harder and harder to come back here to this spot.

I feel obligated to come back here from time to time, check-in in a way. Every time I leave I feel as though I mentally take a step backwards. A step I shouldn’t be taking. I put you here though, it was my past weakness that buried you seven feet deep.

My god, you were so full of life. So unguarded. Your eyes sparkled like a lighthouse, your laughter cute and contagious, your soul burned brilliantly, your heart untouched by pain and your mind pure. Then I allowed society to beat you down, bully your mind, make your heart feel worthless. I did that. I am so very sorry. You had been through too much unnecessary pain, this was the only way I could protect you, the only way I knew how to protect you. It definitely wasn’t plan “a”.

I want you to know that you’ve taught me so much since that night and while I am nowhere near any type of perfection, I owe a great deal of who I am to you. That night I made two promises to you. One, to keep going no matter how deeply pulled under the storm may drown me. Second, to keep our heart safely hidden until such a time occured when it appears safe. So far, so good.

Progress report, there’s been a few pretty treacherous storms (one that nearly defeated me). Even though these walls of mine are high, I’m learning to become more open yet remain cautious. The toxicology levels are diminishing as the mental wounds have healed and scarred over. That sparkle that was cracked is now filled with liquid gold. These grown eyes now shine like broken Christmas lights. As for this old soul, it surprisingly glows on, a flicker here and there, but it glows nonetheless.

The world tried to burn all the mercy outta me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it…. -Fall Out Boy

Our heart? Well, hidden it remains. Its wounds too have healed and the stitches have been removed from each scar. Our ticker is beating on, against every damn odd and statistic. I know that your one wish was for me to fulfill our ultimate dream, however, that is proving to be a bit daunting. I haven’t completely given up on your wish, I just want you to know that there’s a chance it may not happen. Not to your fault, but merely mine. I fear that I’ve seen too much of the darkness in human hearts to be able to trust and jump once more.

Even with all of the pain and darkness held behind these eyes, I still search for the rainbow at the end of every storm. And that’s due to you. Any ounce of hope or goodness that flows through my veins is because of you.

And I’ve been lookin’ for a long time, but I never found home. Everything is alright, I’m around for the long ride…. -Machine Gun Kelly

This may be the last time I visit our spot, but know that you have an eternal place with me. Every time I see this robotic heart that’s inked into my skin, I think of you, of us and how we’ve made it to this point. How did we make it this far? I guess like the proverbial tootsie pop, the world may never know.

Storms moving in, I should go. Before I do, do me a favor…tell Popee that I’m working on it, what we last talked about.

I love you baby girl, you continue to rest easy. I’ve got it from here.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the sunshine riptide, dancing all alone in the morning light… -Fall Out Boy

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The Perfect Amount of Doomed

I, since a young girl, have dreamt of one day finding my “Jack”. The missing piece of my heart, the guy whom would accept me, challenge me, make me want to be a better version of myself, someone to create a family with, to create a beautiful life with…that “ride or die” kinda love.

The other half of my soul that would make my heart feel nervous, safe and whole. The one who would cause goosebumps to ripple across my skin, make my breath momentarily seize, make the thunder in my cerebral calm and make my knees weaken with every kiss.

The man that would crack jokes to make my sides hurt from laughter, cause a grin to appear from just the mere sight of him as I think to myself, “Yeah, that’s my guy.”.

The one that would always be by my side, have my back, sit with me in the silence of sadness or grief should those ever hit. The one that will ride through every storm that may hit us.

A dream of finding the one person that I could be all of these for him.

Yet, I have not yet found him, I find myself continually questioning if our paths would ever cross and I think I know why. I am subconsciously dooming myself. See, I was using the excuse that no guy would want a girl who was broken, the girl with the rare disorder, but in actuality I am scared shitless of history repeating itself. While it is difficult to meet someone who is able to look past my disorder and see me for who I truly am, the thought of once again falling for someone who finds pleasure in misleading and hurting my heart makes me shake. I know that not all humans are into playing the villain, but once bitten – twice shy. How do I know the truly good guys from the bad? How do I push past the nerves, fears and angst?

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I may need him more than he needs me one day…

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because of the thought that one day he may cheat on me or become deceitful.

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I have labeled myself as “not beautiful”, “not good enough”, “too broken”.

I have perfectly doomed myself the way only my mind can.

They say that you shouldn’t fear the unknown, yet here I am caught in a game of chicken with it.

If she had the proper words to say she would tell him, but she’d have nothing left to sell him… -Panic! @ The Disco

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3 Quotes in 3 Days: Day 3

This is the last quote for this mini series. I really enjoyed this challenge, I believe quotes not only inspire our minds, but also aid in relaying our heart’s message when our lips become too apprehensive to speak.

Now this wouldn’t my blog without sharing a lyrical quote. Today’s message is from a punk rock legend, the lead singer of a band that I’ve been a fan of since I was a 12 year old youngster. The one and only…Mark Hoppus.

Who musically inspires you?

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Plasma…Ink…Metal…Beach

Weird title for a blog, I know. The past couple of months have been the very definition of stressful. So much so that a few nights ago I found myself sitting on the edge of the bathtub, hand over my mouth as tears raced down my face. I have this unbreakable tendency to hold too many thoughts deep inside instead of talking it out. It’s not that I don’t have anyone to share my thoughts with, it’s simply the fact that this bad habit built from my past is hard as hell to brake. The progress is flowing in the “opening up” department, however, it’s still under construction.

Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind…-TØP

Moments of happiness is when my doubts tend to creep in, these moments of watching my goals and dreams come to life are somewhat of a new aspect, so I suppose that these moments of happiness kinda scare me. Part of me is in complete control while another part of me is wondering what’s going on. With every accomplishment, there are setbacks. With every setback, I figure it out and keep moving forward. The stress of beginning success has kept my freezer stocked with ice cream and kept my mind up from midnight to sunrise.

I found no cure for the loneliness, I found no cure for the sickness. Nothing here feels like home, crowded streets but I’m all alone… – MGK

A reprieve was much needed, so my best friend being the awesome human that she is planned a day where we went off of the grid. This day began at Starbucks for that morning latte along with a croissant. Then it was off to her shop where she embedded the second to last piece of my tattoo journey (nothing like a little ink therapy). From there we grabbed some lunch, then headed down to the beach. Sand and ocean, the only place where my mind feels free, the only place that remotely feels like home. The perfect ending to the perfect day was dinner on the beach at sunset.

Those twelve hours were just what we both needed, on the drive home we both were ready for life to hit the next day.

Career inching off of the ground…check.

Finally feeling whole again….check.

Breathing life into all dreams…almost check.

While my heart sports a few cracks and is kept together with a few stitches…it continues to beat on. It may not be whole, it may not be the most beautiful shape, but it’s a warrior. I am proud of how far it has come.

My only wish is that should I ever cross paths with my last missing piece, that he accepts my heart. Plasma, ink, metal and all.

These black light words will eternally reside on my flesh, seeping down into the bottom left corner of my pulsating brain. iDerra is who I am, it’s who you young Frankensteins created. A human heart with a mechanical mind, wires and veins intertwining inside a titanium boned frame disguised with German/ Irish freckled flesh. I wasn’t always half robotics, once upon a time ago I resided in the mortal world. But, as the years aged my young innocence, societal attacks that I was unprepared for exploded. Two choices stood before my torched self, exhale one last carbon breath or deeply inhale a puff of chilled oxygen and stand up. The first option felt calming, yet an unknown source within forced the latter.