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Last Wish…

The day is inevitable…the day when my bones breakdown, when my heart stops beating and my lungs intake their last deep oxygenated breath.

Hopefully, old age will be the cause of my death. However, if not then know that my life was well lived before I went forward with this P.A.S..

Here in my Will, the following is stated…

This heart of mine contains deep scars and is stitched together with golden thread, however, it is 100% authentic. My heart goes to my unknown love for it always belonged to him.

This mind of mine is broken, outlined with past scars deeply tucked away and has a thunderstorm that resides in the center cortex, however, it’s creative pulses are glowing and has been known to be a brilliant bulb. My mind goes to the world that drove me.

These bones of mine are slightly cracked from surgeries years ago, however, they are resilient. My bones go to the only place that ever felt like home, the ocean.

Lastly, this soul of mine has seen true blackness and has been near extinction, however, a immortal soul it has always been. My soul goes to the place that made me who I am, California.

I’m a space bound rocketship and your heart’s the moon and I’m aimin’ right at you…250 thousand miles on a clear night in June and I’m aimin’ right at you… -Eminem

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….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

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Tested

Between you and me, I feel like the universe is testing me, that it’s been testing me since the beginning of the year.

More times than not I have been the person to “bite my tongue”, “let things go” or tell myself that “it wasn’t meant to be”. I’ve shuffled through these excuses for one reason or another.

Moments were because my confidence wasn’t fully built up, so standing up to certain people such as family members or critics was always a bit nerve wracking.

Moments where I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve success or any type of positive recognition.

I mean, who am I to think that what I have to say has substance, that I can make a difference in this world.

When 2018 spiraled in I made a decision to make a few much needed changes in order to maintain my sanity. While my physical health is important to me, my mental health is even more important. So, I decided to flush out the toxicity surrounding my life. Social media platforms were detoxified, then certain people that I have refrained from standing up to were stood up to (damn it felt good).

Lately, career choices were made that I’ll admit I was apprehensive about making, however, in the long run cutting ties was best.

As for Love and I, well, I keep trying to detach myself. So far my efforts have failed, every time I think that my brain has deleted his image something occurs that causes my thoughts to repay attention, such as a song. Every time I think my heart has been successfully stifled, these dreams steal my insomniac hours. I don’t know what to do in this area of life…

In some form or another, the universe is testing me.

I can’t believe how much I hate pressures of a new place roll my way… -Twenty One Pilots

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You’re in my Way

You’re in my way…

My mind is playing games with me, I’m not sure how much longer I can play along…

My thoughts are haulted in the midst of their tracks.

My heart skips triple beats, a distracting Anomaly.

These images of you are conjured up right out of the blue.

I’m trying like hell not to think of you.

I’ve been told that this may be a sign from the universe, I think I’ve gone down the rabbit hole.

I pull these thoughts of you out of my brain, but this fix has only ever been temporary, just when I think your image is gone, you somehow sneak your way back in.

I don’t know what to do…either way…

You’re in my way.

I’ve got dreams of my own, but I wanna make yours come true so please come through… -Fall Out Boy

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Anomaly

Anomoly – something that deviates from the standard

A.k.a. … Me

Last night my heart did something strange, something that slightly freaked me out.

The heart is an amazing muscle. It feeds the body, it feels emotions. The heart is quite the multi-tasker, it maintains the current of blue plasma through the freeway of veins while sending our brains morse coded love notes.

The heart and left ring digit are eternally connected by a single vein, I call that vein Cupid St..

While lying in bed, my mind going over today’s schedule, my ears soaking in the lyrics to Sail, my heart went from a normal rhythm to one hard beat then nothing. At least it felt as though it stopped, seriously. I couldn’t feel it beating in the center of my chest. I couldn’t see it’s pulsating motion. While I could feel my pulse, it’s as though my heart went missing. After a couple of minutes, all was right…the beat was back.

As I sat in bed, my mind began crunching every possibility of what was happening. I know this makes me sound like I’m crazy and I’d agree with you, I was slightly freaked. In the end of analyzing my present situation, my brain came up with one option…possible warning sign of a heart attack, or a weird palpation. I’ve had both, so that automatically becomes the first scenario, the scenario that seems most logical.

So, I lied back down allowed the music to calm this anomoly.

As morning waved hello, I began scrolling through the daily news on my phone. My time to keep up with what’s what in this beautifully chaotic world. An article caught my attention, the cliff notes version…that even though you haven’t met your soulmate yet, your hearts are already connected. Your heart can feel when their heart is happy or broken. While I believe anything is truly possible, I wasn’t quite sold on that article.

However, as the hours of sunlight diminished, my brain couldn’t help but, ponder that curious article. What if soulmates hearts are somehow connected in a way…what if my heart felt a moment of “his” pain. I say pain because that hard beat followed by not feeling anything at all was in no way pleasant.

I don’t know…

Last night was indeed weird….

Quite the anomaly…

I want you forever even when we’re not together… – MGK

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Future Snippet

Here is a snippet, a letter from Dear You. A message to my present and future self. If you wrote a letter to your future self what would you tell yourself? What would you hope for? I hope you’re all having a wonderful night or morning. 🤘💛

**Damn girl! How in the world did we survive the hurricane that’s been our life? “Everything happens for a reason” has aided in the frustration and insanity that’s clouded the path. Music has been the morphine drip numbing the violent vibrations pounding through our mind. Writing has been the escape route taken when running forward every time we’ve murdered our past. Friends have band-aided small cuts and wounds. Family has been our solid shoulder to shed each black tear, created milestones of happiness and the warm embrace that’s comforted our heart. Andhehas been the calm thats silenced the storm within (even though he doesnt know it).

This frozen moment is picturesque, strokes of brilliance beautifully framed for all the world to see.

Guarded we remain and that’s ok because the walls represent that trust is a privilege earned not just freely handed out or bought. Our heart is still under lock and key, but that’s ok too because its stitched strength is reserved for the one who deserves its goldenness. Its scars remind us that we will no longer blindly jump into just anyone’s arms. Despite these necessary glitches, we’re doing just fine (no I don’t mean freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional).

I don’t have the right name or the right looks, but I have twice the heart…”. -Fall Out Boy

30 years young, and I must say that you’ve never looked so beautiful. You’ve become a force that wakes up every morning, ready to take on the day and every curve ball that may be thrown your way. As for the future, I can’t predict what storms may come, I can’t reveal if love will kiss your forehead, I can’t have loose lips if your story will ever be shared with the world (depending on someone’s assistance is a sticky wicket because you’re now counting on someone to have the courage to take a chance on a nobody). But, I can spill the secret that the past’s ashes will forever reside six feet under, never to darken your starry night.

“Burn everything you love then burn the ashes…”

-Fall Out Boy

The only advice that I shall pay you off with is never ever hinder who you are, under any circumstances should you fold. Life only gives you a single game. So, shuffle the deck… Grasp the hand you’ve been dealt… Shut your eyes… Take a breath… And play those Aces…**

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From Me to You 🖤

Hey guys, hope you’re having an awesome day, afternoon or night. I thought I’d share an excerpt from my book with you. Below is part of the opening letter that I have written to you, the reader. I hope you enjoy it and feel free to share your thoughts. 🖤

**How y’all doin’? Perfectly imperfect I hope. Well, I come to you today because I have a favor to ask of you. I need you to do me a kindness. Don’t worry, it won’t take up much of your time and it doesn’t cost a single shiny Lincoln, however, it does require a few ounces of brain power and an open space in your heart. I have a story for you… Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “Oh great, another book about a nobody’s life. A tale of how a nobody had a great childhood then hit a pot hole or two while growing up, but in the end found herself and had a happily ever after.” Well congrats, you are 50% correct. This is indeed a tale of a nobody’s life, however, the bits about finding herself and having a happily ever are slightly off. My tale is about a young girl born with an unwanted label cemented onto her forehead, a label that cast a beautiful curse upon her heart. Do you know what it feels like to be a happy kid and then to have that rug pulled from under your feet? To go from feeling broken to damaged to completely worthless in one swift motion? How about wanting so much to fit in that it starts to break you down into a reflection that your 20/20 vision can no longer make out? To be marked as “different”?

I have a story to tell you, a story filled with happiness drowned out by brokenness, sprinkled with darkness and topped with a delicious suicide attempt. Served alongside is a refreshing shot of completely losing one’s self, ending in rebuilding an underdog to become an invincible version of a beautifully imperfect human.

So here we are; just you and I sitting in a cozy place getting ready for the story that I have to tell. Now whether you listen or not is your decision…

I’m just a problem that doesn’t wanna be solved… -Fall Out Boy

So here I am sharing a few shining pieces of these letters about the people that protect my stitched scars. Embrace its honesty and pass on its contagiousness.**

CLICK THIS BLUE SENTENCE TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF DEAR YOU