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Rebel

It’s crazy… I feel like more of an outcast in a community that I’m supposed to feel belonged in than I do as a human residing in the rest of the world.

Judgement is felt more amongst “my people” than it is from those who see me purchasing my Starbucks and shopping at Target.

I find myself more and more curious as to why that is…

Maybe it’s because I am a rebel.

The one who chooses to defy the statistics…the one who chooses to share my story in hopes of helping others rather than play the “victim” to gain free advancements.

Maybe it is because I live my life according to my own views rather than remain trapped inside ORs as the surgeon’s guinea pig because he knows what’s best.

Or, maybe it is mainly because I choose to find the silver lining at the end of a shitty day, knowing that tomorrow is a fresh start, rather than pull everyone into my shit storm so they’ll feel sorry for me.

So, if I don’t fit into “your world” then where do I fit in…where do I belong…

I fit into the smiles and laughter of my family and friends. I fit into the star studded universe where my Guardian Angel resides, watching over me. I fit into these bones of mine that are made up of molecules from my ancestors. I fit into the empty space inside of my future love’s heart.

I belong right here, amongst the sand, the ocean and this cotton candy sunset.

I am a rebel.

Jumpsuit, Jumpsuit cover me… -Twenty One Pilots

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Alls Fair in The Ripple Effect

Choices…

That word above is one that we practice on a daily basis. Life is strung together by the series of choices we make, each one altering the direction we take on our paths.

You…

You are in charge of every choice you make, you are the only one who chooses what pebble will create your life’s ripple.

I…

I have made both positive and negative choices throughout my life thus far, each shifting the effect of every ripple. The most important and impactful choice I have ever made was to never allow others actions towards me taint my feelings towards the world. Tainted emotions equals vengeful behavior. As someone who was bullied throughout school, as someone who was dealt a somewhat difficult situation in life, I could have easily chosen to allow the anger and hurt that was a constant during that time to poison my outlook and actions towards society. I could’ve easily taken my past and morphed it into an infinite excuse in order to disrespect and pull everyone into a bitter pity party.

But, I don’t.

Why…

Because I know first hand what it feels like to be mistreated, how it eats at your brain causing your confidence and self-esteem to diminish. I know how quickly the hurt, the depression, the worthlessness and the tear filled pain fills into every nook and cranny of your body.

I wouldn’t place nor wish that upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I know how just the mere thought of revenge can suck up your time, your energy. How it becomes this black toxic that invades your veins, you’ve become Peter Parker in SpiderMan 2.

Having that amount of pain residing within my bones nearly snuffed out my life candle. Never again do I want to feel that shitty.

I choose to find the silver lining, the be a better version of myself, to ignore the arrogance of my peers. I choose which battles are worth fighting, I carefully select which pebble I toss to create that ripple.

No matter what curveballs are thrown at you…No matter how many incomplete passes you encounter and No matter how many humans throw a dirty punch at you in attempts to knock you down, you have a choice as to how you react. You choose what type of energy you place towards others, towards the world.

You have a choice…

So what’s it going to be…?

Second things second don’tcha tell me what you think that I should be, I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea… -Imagine Dragons

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Bad Rep…

Ok…I have a bone to pick with some of you humans out there. I am not one to rant, especially online, but today I’m making a virtual scene and I hope you pay attention.

Now I’ve said it on a constant loop that we are ALL born into this world with a glitch. Whether it is a physical, mental or an emotional glitch…we are all broken in some way. Now those of you who know me or have followed my blog or social media for a while now know that I was born with a rare physical disorder. Yep, I was dealt that curse card coming into this world and given a life I never asked for. However, I took what I was given, broke the rules I didn’t fancy (which was all of them) and made this life my own.

Throughout my life I have had many labels slapped on my forehead, one only ever really tore me down, most just ping off my bulletproof skin.

And now this happens… there is one label that recently caught my attention and it’s, well, pissing me off a bit.

Why you may ask. Well, because this label was created by those in the “physical disorder world “.

Recently I was out shopping, doing my own thing and a few different people came up to me complimenting me on my positive attitude. I responded by thanking them and wishing them a great rest of their day. This has been happening more and more, which nabbed my curiosity. Turns out that there are quite a high percentage of those with physical disabilities who are only capable of complaining and acting as if the world owes them. You go around causing intentional scenes in public or online everytime one small snafu is tossed into your day. You think that because of the life you were dealt that this world and the people in it are to accommodate you 100% of the time. You’re making your problem their problem. You’re making your problem my problem. You’ve created a bad reputation for the entire “physical disorder” community.

KNOCK IT OFF!

I understand that a life with a physical disorder is hard and that depending on the severity of ones disorder, well life can be down right daunting. It’s an endless battle we fight. But, guess what?! Everyone has an endless battle they’re fighting. Everyone has something that they’re dealing with. This world thrives off of balance. There are going to be times when the world is accommodating towards you and then there is times when you need to be accommodating towards the world. Be grateful for the times when kindness is shown towards you and have common sense in the times when it’s not so much shown.

Yes, there are certain times when you should speak loudly and right a wrong. But, there is a line between standing up for something and just flat out bitching, throwing a tantrum everytime things don’t go 100% your way. You have labeled all of us “one of them”.

“One of them”…

I am not one of you. Do I have shitty days once in a while? Yes. Do I have to get creative with certain life skills? Yes. Are there times when frustration hits and I wish I didn’t have this kinda life? Yes.

But, I don’t make my problem everyone else’s problem. I don’t make others feel crappy because I feel crappy. I don’t take to social media to bitch or slam on others because the world didn’t accommodate the way it was “supposed to”.

The next time one small thing doesn’t flow your way, think before you make a public or virtual scene. Perhaps in that moment the universe is telling you that it is your turn to do a little accommodating.

Enough labels are being slapped around. Quit adding fuel to the fire.

Give and take people!

PS…if you plan on twisting my thoughts and leaving a butthurt comment go right ahead. You’re only helping to prove my point.

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Death by Silence

These thoughts feed off of our minds, poisoning our outlook on ourselves and our lives. This attached stigma, this ignorant mindset in others, it leads to our lips remaining sealed. This toxic secrecy leads down one path, suicide. Silence kills.

Last July, Chester Bennington took his own life. Now, those of you who are Linkin Park fans now that Chester took his personal battles and morphed them into inspired lyrics. While you could feel the the pain that he felt, you could also feel the underlying hope as well. Chester’s death sparked a movement like no other. It’s a shame though that society’s eyes only open, that their attention and concern with mental health is only grasped when a celebrity takes their life.

I am a fan of Linkin Park, as a teen and into adulthood, I would listen to certain bands/ artists whose music numed my own pain. Linkin Park is one of those bands. Chester Bennington is still one of those artists. He lives on within his lyrics.

In this farewell
There’s no blood, there’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth of a thousand lies
So let mercy come and wash away
What I’ve done…” -Linkin Park

Now you all know that I love music, I also have a love for food and fashion. As a kid I would draw outfits on the side of my class assignments as I was waiting for the other students to finish their work. I also loved watching the Food Network, I’ve been a foodie since I was a youngster.

Two legends that inspired me are now gone, both by suicide. Just last week fashion icon Kate Spade took her life. Kate had been struggling with depression for years, she even tried to seek help, but was quickly silenced. Kate was told that if it were to get out that she was depressed and getting treatment for it that it may cause a whirlwind of bad PR. Kate being an iconic figure in the fashion industry lead to her staying silent about her mental illness. Silence Kills!

A few days later and Kate’s heartbreaking death still fresh, news of another legend gone hits social media. Anthony Bourdain too took his own life. Anthony was a global chef who changed the food industry in ways no one else could. He too struggled with depression and he too stayed quiet about it. Just like the family members and friends of Chester and Kate, no one saw any of what happened coming. Each of these amazing souls seemed happy and full of life, even right up until their deaths.

See, some of you out there blindly believe that depression, anxiety or suicide are “attention getters” or “fashion statements”.

Depression, anxiety and suicide ideation are not simply states of mind that we can control. Telling us to stop thinking or feeling those ways Doesn’t Work. These mental states are not switches that we can flip on and off. Assuming that we “act” depressed, anxious or suicidal to get attention is false as well.

Depression, anxiety and suicide ideation are serious mental illnesses. The main reason so many of us continue to keep our lips sealed is due to the fears of being judged by others who don’t understand, being made to feel ashamed by others ignorance. Your status in the public eye doesn’t matter, we are all human, we all matter. The stigma leads to secrecy that leads to suicide.

SILENCE KILLS!

Can you hear me now?

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3 Quotes, 3 Days: Day 2

Today’s quote is from an unknown source, however, it’s words are spot on. Forget small talk…let’s get weird, deep and have a conversation of substance.

I’ll grab the coffee and you light the bonfire…a little beach therapy at sunset is in order.

So, what’s on your mind?

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Be…

Be the one who dares to not just bend the ordinary, but obliterates it. The one who defies the rules and regulations that society has so unthoughtfully typed out for us. When judgments forbid you from turning left, go left. When fears manipulate you into crying, fire that smile in a blinding fashion.

Be the one who takes their beaten past and turns it into the story of the century. A story that fuels and reignites lost bonfires. A story that creates the warmest comforting hug in a space of loneliness and doubt.

Be a booming voice that breaks off the padlocks from the silenced ones. Pass out the logo hoodies, glow sticks and beanies. Be the one who turns up the bass on those healing tunes and hands out microphones for all to sing along. Release the giant beach balls into the crowd and unleash the confetti from the skies.

Be the one loves selflessly but holds a handful of solo moments to maintain sanity. Be the one who doesn’t fear change, who doesn’t deny being different. Be the one who accepts every flickering bulb, no matter their flicker speed or bulb size. Whether their energy saving or brightly lit, whatever their energy level, collect them like Pokemon.

I’ve got scar tissue embedded so deep that only life back under the scalpel could dig it out, but bright lights and bleached oxygen is the last place I want to find myself. I live vicariously through my scars, because those are my battle wounds that I wear with pride. Those scars are the stories that I hope one day fill the IVs of those who are caught in an endless beat down.

Be the one who screams out your broken thoughts to help save lives. Be the one who slashes the suicidal monsters from under the beds and inside the closets.

And most importantly, are you listening because this piece of information is extremely vital to your existence… Be you!

Be yourself… love the face that reflects back in the mirror. Love the perfectly imperfect bones and organs that form your beautiful body. Love every piece of you that’s well put together and love the adventure of the scavenger hunt to find the missing ones.

“Don’t give up, push through the droughts. Channel the inevitable disappointments back into your craft. Break molds, think, create. But, most importantly, stay alive. And in the meantime, make it about other; that seems to work. Stay strong, live on and power to the local dreamer…” –Tyler Joseph