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Last Wish…

The day is inevitable…the day when my bones breakdown, when my heart stops beating and my lungs intake their last deep oxygenated breath.

Hopefully, old age will be the cause of my death. However, if not then know that my life was well lived before I went forward with this P.A.S..

Here in my Will, the following is stated…

This heart of mine contains deep scars and is stitched together with golden thread, however, it is 100% authentic. My heart goes to my unknown love for it always belonged to him.

This mind of mine is broken, outlined with past scars deeply tucked away and has a thunderstorm that resides in the center cortex, however, it’s creative pulses are glowing and has been known to be a brilliant bulb. My mind goes to the world that drove me.

These bones of mine are slightly cracked from surgeries years ago, however, they are resilient. My bones go to the only place that ever felt like home, the ocean.

Lastly, this soul of mine has seen true blackness and has been near extinction, however, a immortal soul it has always been. My soul goes to the place that made me who I am, California.

I’m a space bound rocketship and your heart’s the moon and I’m aimin’ right at you…250 thousand miles on a clear night in June and I’m aimin’ right at you… -Eminem

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….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

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Deep Breath

Do you ever find yourself taking an unexpected deep breath…

Lately I have noticed that these unexpected deep breaths keep sneaking their way into my days and nights. Out of the blue, my lungs feel the need to inhale a bit more oxygen.

In a weird way, after a deep breath I feel a bit more at ease…mentally and physically. These thoughts in my mind have been racing in a more sporadic manner lately rather than in an even flow. My body has been sleepless and anxious. The cerebral storm thunders a bit more monstrous at 2am.

However, these unexpected outta the blue deep breaths inject a sense of calm into my veins, they inhabit a sense of peace into my bones.

I inhale reassurance and exhale a negative thought. My focus is refocused.

Breathe in…..breathe out……

The P.A. system keeps my hard heart beating tonight…. -Fall Out Boy

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Between you and me, I feel like the universe is testing me, that it’s been testing me since the beginning of the year.

More times than not I have been the person to “bite my tongue”, “let things go” or tell myself that “it wasn’t meant to be”. I’ve shuffled through these excuses for one reason or another.

Moments were because my confidence wasn’t fully built up, so standing up to certain people such as family members or critics was always a bit nerve wracking.

Moments where I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve success or any type of positive recognition.

I mean, who am I to think that what I have to say has substance, that I can make a difference in this world.

When 2018 spiraled in I made a decision to make a few much needed changes in order to maintain my sanity. While my physical health is important to me, my mental health is even more important. So, I decided to flush out the toxicity surrounding my life. Social media platforms were detoxified, then certain people that I have refrained from standing up to were stood up to (damn it felt good).

Lately, career choices were made that I’ll admit I was apprehensive about making, however, in the long run cutting ties was best.

As for Love and I, well, I keep trying to detach myself. So far my efforts have failed, every time I think that my brain has deleted his image something occurs that causes my thoughts to repay attention, such as a song. Every time I think my heart has been successfully stifled, these dreams steal my insomniac hours. I don’t know what to do in this area of life…

In some form or another, the universe is testing me.

I can’t believe how much I hate pressures of a new place roll my way… -Twenty One Pilots

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Happy Birthday Ma’

You never stomped on any of my ideas, goals or dreams. You never started any conversation with the words “No” or “Can’t”. Creativity and hard work were always the cards played to help me achieve my newest project. From Tap and Ballet lessons… art sets so that I could sketch out my imagination… my drum set days for band during my elementary and Jr. High years… finding a love for cooking which now means we’ve upgraded from colored pencils and drumsticks to sharp knives and fire… my fascination with the sharpness and beauty of words resulting in my dream of one day becoming an author.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always believing in the person that I’ve become and showing me the power that unconditional love has. Thank you for being my Ma’ 💛

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My Turn

What do you see when my reflection comes into focus in your viewfinder?

Do you see a freckled porcelain complexion whose appearance seems quiet, perhaps even coldly shy?

Perhaps you see a mutant misfit incapable of making it in this life. A fragile museum artifact that must remain protected with bubble wrap and locked away.

Click to the next slide…

Now here you’ll an image of a dimpled grin, the gatekeeper to the broken brain. You’ll see hazel eyes that hold a tiny spark, within that spark are the silent scars that are stitched into a human heart. A heart that beats for 2064.

Every single slide you skip forward to will always capture that dimpled grin and those spark embedded hazel eyes. What you won’t see is the internal struggle that wages, the side effects of a misfit’s anxiety.

A clenched chest… deep breathing goes into effect in hopes that focused oxygen will aid from the dizzying room possibly going dark. Headphones cemented to eardrums, injecting lyrical morphine into the cerebral thunderstorm. A fond numbness is wished for so that the booming thoughts that scream disaster will calm.

While I mentally whisper that everything will be ok and that everything will run smoothly, my anxiety is in the process of conjuring up its own destructive plan. Meeting unfamiliar humans, speaking to an audience of any size or a project that involves getting lost within my thoughts and breaking off a piece of myself… boom!

A tiny fleeting moment of titanium confidence, then an ear piercing whisper…

“My turn…”

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside…-Imagine Dragons