Just Hold On

Dear D,

Ok girl, it’s the future you writing this letter…

Look, I know that this past year has been a rollercoaster ride and you’ve had many moments where you’ve questioned yourself. I also know that your doubts have recently been ganging up on your mind. So, here I am with a few inspiring thoughts to share.

You, my dear, have come a long way in the last few years. Hell, you’ve battled so many storms throughout your existence, you have definitely earned the title of warrior. I seriously don’t know how you’ve made it this far or where all your inner resilience comes from. I sense though that you are becoming mentally exhausted, I see you sitting on the edge peering forward as you’re getting lost in those thoughts. I hear those questions thumping in your mind and I can feel the weariness of your heart.

Give me strength, give me peace… -Imagine Dragons

I want you to know that everything you’ve ever truly wanted in life will come true. I know as you read this that you’ll shake your head in disbelief, but it’s true.

Your mind will find the fulfillment it dreams of career wise. Those goals you have jotted down in that notebook are closer to becoming a reality than you think.

Your heart will find true love. That ultra kind of love that you have only been dreaming of is in the works. You’ll have that imperfect happily ever after and he won’t hurt you the way past relationships have. He won’t he the villain to use your insecurities and tear you down, he’ll be your Jumpsuit who protects you and your heart. You’ll both create an amazing life with one another and have a beautiful family.

I feel your exhaustion, but I need you to hold on…please. With every glance downward your eyes make my heart skips a beat. However, I know you’ll hold on, that you won’t give up because of the promise you made. I know that the 17 embedded under your skin keeps you going. I just worry.

I can see you slightly losing sight if the horizon, keep your head baby girl. Don’t get lost within the fog, you can’t crash. Hold on…please.

I know you won’t believe my words, but you are strong and frickin amazing!

Don’t let go…just hold on, ok.

Don’t burn out on me… -Imagine Dragons

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, they’ve always got my back and visa-versa…

I am thankful for my friends, they’re always there reminding me to breathe when I’m stressing about my writing. Together for the good times, the crazy times and the adulting in between…

I am thankful for my life, a few times meeting with Grim, but we always parted ways. We have an agreement that I’ll call him when I’m ready to kiss this world goodbye. But, not for a long time, I’ve got things to do…

I am thankful for art, the music saved me and the writing keeps me challenged. Cooking keeps my taste buds happy and movies keep entertaining. Books continue to educate and transport while drums are perfect at releasing stress…

I am thankful for sand and ocean, they’re my therapist, my sanctuary, my home…

I am thankful for these weird twisted dreams, they make for creative written or drawn creations…

I am thankful for the past (every dark moment, bully, surgery, scars, toxic relationship) for it has made my mind sharper, my bones stronger and my heart more selective…

I am thankful for stormy days, they force me to take a break and recharge…

I am thankful for gardens, they hold lessons and life…

I am thankful for the future, it’s unknown identity is exciting…

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Your strange existence in my head is confusing yet sparkling…

I am thankful.

September 29th, 2018

If I was allotted only one word to describe the other night, that word would be Epic.

This world we live in is torn between love and hate, there hasn’t been a balance in quite some time. Just as we were getting to that place of celebrating our differences, that place of common courtesy and acceptance…the world went into a dark spin causing a split chain reaction.

However, an event occured on Saturday, September 29th, 2018 that placed thousands of people under one roof for one purpose and one purpose only…

To rock their little beating hearts out…to soak in that reminder that we are all car crashed hearts.

For 4 hours, age…race…careers…body type…gender…sexual orientation…disabilities…Non of these statuses mattered.

The beats soothed any pain while the lyrics stitched every broken piece.

Every look was met with a smile and every interaction met with kindness.

Every body jumped and danced while every voice sang until their lungs gave out.

On Saturday, September 29th, 2018… everyone was equal.

Long live the car crashed hearts crying on the couch while the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five… -Fall Out Boy

….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

Clarity within the Darkness

Tonight I want to share a piece of my existence with you. As you know I absolutely love the beach, however, that love extends beyond it just being a favorite place to visit. The beach is the only place that has ever felt like home. It’s the escape needed to find clarity amongst my cerebral thunderstorm, it’s the warm hug that washes a safe calmness over my bones. The beach has always been the only place where I felt as though I belonged.

The way in which I’d like to share my slice of heaven with you is to take you on a little journey. I want you to see the beach through my eyes, the way I saw my world back when I was sixteen, before the surgeries, before the light was reinstalled.

Now I am fully aware that your eyes need to be open in order for you to read this, so I want you to do me a favor…the next time you go to the beach I want you to close your eyes and truly see the beach through your other senses, through the darkness.

Ok so, you’re standing on the beach…now close your eyes. Take a moment to soak in your current surroundings through those four remaining senses. What do you see? Here, allow me to help.

Feel that…the cooling breeze softly brushing across your cheeks causing your goosebumps to raise into a “put your hoodie on” chain reaction. All indicating that the sun is setting. The slightly warm sand squishing in between your toes, those tiny grains softening the roughness of daily life off of those traveling feet of yours.

Taste that…the salt from the ocean intermingling with that cool breeze. That salty taste floating across your tastebuds.

Smell that…that crispness embedded in the breeze, the essence of the ocean mist calming your breathing pattern.

Hear that…the sound of the foam capped waves crashing in and out, the foam popping on the sand every time the wave returns to the ocean. The palm tree branches swaying in a swoosh formation as that cool breeze sneaks between the palm leaves.

Beautiful isn’t it.

I’ve always known what the beach felt like, but it wasn’t until after I lost my sight that I truly saw the beach.

(I’ve had surgeries to regain my vision, but every now and again I’ll close my eyes. Clarity within the darkness)

Riptide

**the scent of pre-rain intertwines with the slightly frosted breeze dancing within these reminiscent woods. Black hoodie on and candy cane rose in my hand, my feet travel back to the spot where the end morphed into the beginning…**

Hey sweet baby girl, how’s the afterlife party? I bet it’s one kickass bash, like New Year’s, Fourth of July and Halloween combined. I’m sorry it’s been too long between visits, I could deliver endless excuses as to why, but they’d be just that…excuses. Truth be told, it is becoming harder and harder to come back here to this spot.

I feel obligated to come back here from time to time, check-in in a way. Every time I leave I feel as though I mentally take a step backwards. A step I shouldn’t be taking. I put you here though, it was my past weakness that buried you seven feet deep.

My god, you were so full of life. So unguarded. Your eyes sparkled like a lighthouse, your laughter cute and contagious, your soul burned brilliantly, your heart untouched by pain and your mind pure. Then I allowed society to beat you down, bully your mind, make your heart feel worthless. I did that. I am so very sorry. You had been through too much unnecessary pain, this was the only way I could protect you, the only way I knew how to protect you. It definitely wasn’t plan “a”.

I want you to know that you’ve taught me so much since that night and while I am nowhere near any type of perfection, I owe a great deal of who I am to you. That night I made two promises to you. One, to keep going no matter how deeply pulled under the storm may drown me. Second, to keep our heart safely hidden until such a time occured when it appears safe. So far, so good.

Progress report, there’s been a few pretty treacherous storms (one that nearly defeated me). Even though these walls of mine are high, I’m learning to become more open yet remain cautious. The toxicology levels are diminishing as the mental wounds have healed and scarred over. That sparkle that was cracked is now filled with liquid gold. These grown eyes now shine like broken Christmas lights. As for this old soul, it surprisingly glows on, a flicker here and there, but it glows nonetheless.

The world tried to burn all the mercy outta me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it…. -Fall Out Boy

Our heart? Well, hidden it remains. Its wounds too have healed and the stitches have been removed from each scar. Our ticker is beating on, against every damn odd and statistic. I know that your one wish was for me to fulfill our ultimate dream, however, that is proving to be a bit daunting. I haven’t completely given up on your wish, I just want you to know that there’s a chance it may not happen. Not to your fault, but merely mine. I fear that I’ve seen too much of the darkness in human hearts to be able to trust and jump once more.

Even with all of the pain and darkness held behind these eyes, I still search for the rainbow at the end of every storm. And that’s due to you. Any ounce of hope or goodness that flows through my veins is because of you.

And I’ve been lookin’ for a long time, but I never found home. Everything is alright, I’m around for the long ride…. -Machine Gun Kelly

This may be the last time I visit our spot, but know that you have an eternal place with me. Every time I see this robotic heart that’s inked into my skin, I think of you, of us and how we’ve made it to this point. How did we make it this far? I guess like the proverbial tootsie pop, the world may never know.

Storms moving in, I should go. Before I do, do me a favor…tell Popee that I’m working on it, what we last talked about.

I love you baby girl, you continue to rest easy. I’ve got it from here.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the sunshine riptide, dancing all alone in the morning light… -Fall Out Boy

Reminder

I know that this life ain’t for the faint of heart, but it’s one hell of a beautiful ride. I think that if we would all knock off this whole “labeling” each other bullshit then perhaps our eyes could become truly open to the fact that we’re all human… we’re all equal. We are all different…all unique and that’s how it’s supposed to be, that’s how God intended it to be. Original human beings coming together to make this life amazing for generations to come.

Live everyday as though it would all end tomorrow. Lead with an open, kind and generous heart. There’s a reason why we say “treat others the way you would want to be treated in return”. Love your families and friends for the awesomely awkward people that they are and when you find your true love, endlessly hold onto them. Love every good and flawed piece of them because finding the love of your life and spending the rest of your lives together, creating memorable adventures and a family is a precious honor.

I can’t resist a good dare and it just so happens that I have one for you. I dare you to be you. Be the person you were placed on this earth to be, whoever that may be. Don’t allow outside static to dictate how much of yourself you share with this world. Be 100% original, be 100% you because everybody else is already taken.

“Reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind, leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time, so when the director yells cut, I’ll be fine, I’m forever young…”-Jay Z ft. Mr. Hudson