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September 29th, 2018

If I was allotted only one word to describe the other night, that word would be Epic.

This world we live in is torn between love and hate, there hasn’t been a balance in quite some time. Just as we were getting to that place of celebrating our differences, that place of common courtesy and acceptance…the world went into a dark spin causing a split chain reaction.

However, an event occured on Saturday, September 29th, 2018 that placed thousands of people under one roof for one purpose and one purpose only…

To rock their little beating hearts out…to soak in that reminder that we are all car crashed hearts.

For 4 hours, age…race…careers…body type…gender…sexual orientation…disabilities…Non of these statuses mattered.

The beats soothed any pain while the lyrics stitched every broken piece.

Every look was met with a smile and every interaction met with kindness.

Every body jumped and danced while every voice sang until their lungs gave out.

On Saturday, September 29th, 2018… everyone was equal.

Long live the car crashed hearts crying on the couch while the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five… -Fall Out Boy

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….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

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Clarity within the Darkness

Tonight I want to share a piece of my existence with you. As you know I absolutely love the beach, however, that love extends beyond it just being a favorite place to visit. The beach is the only place that has ever felt like home. It’s the escape needed to find clarity amongst my cerebral thunderstorm, it’s the warm hug that washes a safe calmness over my bones. The beach has always been the only place where I felt as though I belonged.

The way in which I’d like to share my slice of heaven with you is to take you on a little journey. I want you to see the beach through my eyes, the way I saw my world back when I was sixteen, before the surgeries, before the light was reinstalled.

Now I am fully aware that your eyes need to be open in order for you to read this, so I want you to do me a favor…the next time you go to the beach I want you to close your eyes and truly see the beach through your other senses, through the darkness.

Ok so, you’re standing on the beach…now close your eyes. Take a moment to soak in your current surroundings through those four remaining senses. What do you see? Here, allow me to help.

Feel that…the cooling breeze softly brushing across your cheeks causing your goosebumps to raise into a “put your hoodie on” chain reaction. All indicating that the sun is setting. The slightly warm sand squishing in between your toes, those tiny grains softening the roughness of daily life off of those traveling feet of yours.

Taste that…the salt from the ocean intermingling with that cool breeze. That salty taste floating across your tastebuds.

Smell that…that crispness embedded in the breeze, the essence of the ocean mist calming your breathing pattern.

Hear that…the sound of the foam capped waves crashing in and out, the foam popping on the sand every time the wave returns to the ocean. The palm tree branches swaying in a swoosh formation as that cool breeze sneaks between the palm leaves.

Beautiful isn’t it.

I’ve always known what the beach felt like, but it wasn’t until after I lost my sight that I truly saw the beach.

(I’ve had surgeries to regain my vision, but every now and again I’ll close my eyes. Clarity within the darkness)

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**the scent of pre-rain intertwines with the slightly frosted breeze dancing within these reminiscent woods. Black hoodie on and candy cane rose in my hand, my feet travel back to the spot where the end morphed into the beginning…**

Hey sweet baby girl, how’s the afterlife party? I bet it’s one kickass bash, like New Year’s, Fourth of July and Halloween combined. I’m sorry it’s been too long between visits, I could deliver endless excuses as to why, but they’d be just that…excuses. Truth be told, it is becoming harder and harder to come back here to this spot.

I feel obligated to come back here from time to time, check-in in a way. Every time I leave I feel as though I mentally take a step backwards. A step I shouldn’t be taking. I put you here though, it was my past weakness that buried you seven feet deep.

My god, you were so full of life. So unguarded. Your eyes sparkled like a lighthouse, your laughter cute and contagious, your soul burned brilliantly, your heart untouched by pain and your mind pure. Then I allowed society to beat you down, bully your mind, make your heart feel worthless. I did that. I am so very sorry. You had been through too much unnecessary pain, this was the only way I could protect you, the only way I knew how to protect you. It definitely wasn’t plan “a”.

I want you to know that you’ve taught me so much since that night and while I am nowhere near any type of perfection, I owe a great deal of who I am to you. That night I made two promises to you. One, to keep going no matter how deeply pulled under the storm may drown me. Second, to keep our heart safely hidden until such a time occured when it appears safe. So far, so good.

Progress report, there’s been a few pretty treacherous storms (one that nearly defeated me). Even though these walls of mine are high, I’m learning to become more open yet remain cautious. The toxicology levels are diminishing as the mental wounds have healed and scarred over. That sparkle that was cracked is now filled with liquid gold. These grown eyes now shine like broken Christmas lights. As for this old soul, it surprisingly glows on, a flicker here and there, but it glows nonetheless.

The world tried to burn all the mercy outta me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it…. -Fall Out Boy

Our heart? Well, hidden it remains. Its wounds too have healed and the stitches have been removed from each scar. Our ticker is beating on, against every damn odd and statistic. I know that your one wish was for me to fulfill our ultimate dream, however, that is proving to be a bit daunting. I haven’t completely given up on your wish, I just want you to know that there’s a chance it may not happen. Not to your fault, but merely mine. I fear that I’ve seen too much of the darkness in human hearts to be able to trust and jump once more.

Even with all of the pain and darkness held behind these eyes, I still search for the rainbow at the end of every storm. And that’s due to you. Any ounce of hope or goodness that flows through my veins is because of you.

And I’ve been lookin’ for a long time, but I never found home. Everything is alright, I’m around for the long ride…. -Machine Gun Kelly

This may be the last time I visit our spot, but know that you have an eternal place with me. Every time I see this robotic heart that’s inked into my skin, I think of you, of us and how we’ve made it to this point. How did we make it this far? I guess like the proverbial tootsie pop, the world may never know.

Storms moving in, I should go. Before I do, do me a favor…tell Popee that I’m working on it, what we last talked about.

I love you baby girl, you continue to rest easy. I’ve got it from here.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the sunshine riptide, dancing all alone in the morning light… -Fall Out Boy

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I know that this life ain’t for the faint of heart, but it’s one hell of a beautiful ride. I think that if we would all knock off this whole “labeling” each other bullshit then perhaps our eyes could become truly open to the fact that we’re all human… we’re all equal. We are all different…all unique and that’s how it’s supposed to be, that’s how God intended it to be. Original human beings coming together to make this life amazing for generations to come.

Live everyday as though it would all end tomorrow. Lead with an open, kind and generous heart. There’s a reason why we say “treat others the way you would want to be treated in return”. Love your families and friends for the awesomely awkward people that they are and when you find your true love, endlessly hold onto them. Love every good and flawed piece of them because finding the love of your life and spending the rest of your lives together, creating memorable adventures and a family is a precious honor.

I can’t resist a good dare and it just so happens that I have one for you. I dare you to be you. Be the person you were placed on this earth to be, whoever that may be. Don’t allow outside static to dictate how much of yourself you share with this world. Be 100% original, be 100% you because everybody else is already taken.

“Reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind, leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time, so when the director yells cut, I’ll be fine, I’m forever young…”-Jay Z ft. Mr. Hudson

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2017…last year was a whirlwind, my mind was fixated on my writing while my heart was beginning to feel anxious in its emptiness. These walls of mine are high and deeply cemented, however, every now and then this heartbeat would loudly skip a step. I found myself pondering the possibilities of “getting back out there”, of allowing myself to bring down my walls a bit. Those thoughts scared the shit out my mind. 

I am not one who fears much, this life I was given requires a certain toughness,  so unless I’m ever locked in a room full of clowns or porcelain dolls,  not much gets to me. That changed some years ago though, a relationship gone very wrong manipulated my mind into adding love to my short list of what causes my axiety riddled gremlins to run a muck. As much as I have tried to no longer fear love, that curse has not yet been reversed. 

Not sure if it’s love itself that jolts my mind or if the fear lies in with going through the process of placing my trust in another human’s hands. I can handle the pain I bring to myself, my pain tolerance is concerningly high, but to trust another man with my heart, that pain is unknown if they decide to break it. Either way, the thought of lightening striking twice in a reoccurring spot is numbing. 

The balance between starting my career and becoming reacquainted with love was unsteady to say the least. These days, love isn’t real love, it’s casual hookups and non commitment relationships.  I’m not like that, I don’t know how to do that. It’s high school all over again, I just don’t fit in.

It’s now 2018, holy shit last year went by in a blink. I’ve decided to let my dream of finding love go, as much as I can. I’ll never be able to let it die 100%, my heart won’t allow me too, but what I can let go of I am…I have to. I can no longer live in the endless emptiness that rabbit holes down the center of this scarred ticker of mine. I can’t be distracted on a constant with these “happily ever after” dreams…It’s starting to hurt too damn much, a pain I don’t want to live in anymore. So I’ve made a decision to allow my mind full use of the mic as I silence my heart. My attention will be 100% fixated on my writing via books and blogs. I’m now focused on building my brand, my name. 

Do I sound delusional? Probably…but I think I need to live in my delusion for the time being.

 “Never looking back and we’re never getting old…Cause the skies are black but our hearts made of gold…Fuck doing what you’re told…We’re going nowhere fast…” -Eminem 

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I dreamt of you once again, a bittersweet reunion as it always is. Before a single word is spilled you stare at me with that playful glance, casing my dark thoughts to engage in a game of Tag…

The all too common small chat begins its exchange. Why we continue this “now press repeat” dance is becoming beyond my understanding, but spin and swirl I will…

Perhaps this dance is our way of silently suffocating the obvious. Perhaps it is just simply our way of stupidly playing Chicken…

Awkwardly comforting a conversation on a deeper level falls into place. You have been the only one who knows how to perfectly crack my shell and visa-versa…

These dreams of you, of us, are sparkling. However, as eye-catching as they are, they need to stop. Murdering them has been challenging to say the least, but a challenge I must endure. As much as I love dreaming of your handsome image and as much as your golden thoughts slowly mend my brokenness, I need this to end… I need these teasing dreams to quit toying with my stolen hours…

In reality, you and I were never meant to be, why my subconscious can’t copy and paste this, I am unsure of. The rambunctious thoughts that reside in the back of my brain need to burn this untold story. If not to protect their own sanity, then to protect mine…

Tonight this fantasy will end. Tonight I will sleep. My hands will rise in the cold air as the darkness recites my rights. I will deny any representation and allow the demons to press the suicide button.

If you love me let me go… these words are knives that often leave scars, truth be told I never was yours…

-Panic at the Disco