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Welcome to Trench

World.. “So, whatcha up to tonight?”

Me.. “Well, the entire Trench album was just released on Spotify so…playin’ that on a loop.”

World.. “Wait, you didn’t listen to it three days ago when it was leaked?”

Me.. “Nope.”

World.. “Why not?”

Me.. “It’s called respect dude.”

World.. “What are you trying to say?”

Me.. “I think you know what I’m saying, now if you don’t mind..I’m busy here.”

World.. “You’re eating ice cream and listening to music…”

Me.. “That’s called multitasking..”

World.. “You can’t be…”

Me.. “Shhhh…”

Surrounded and up against the wall, I’ll shred ’em all and go with you… -Twenty One Pilots

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Riddle me this…

I don’t know you, so why are you…

…constantly on my mind?

…constantly in my heart?

…constantly popping into my dreams?

…what do I do?

Got so much to lose
Got so much to prove
God, don’t let me lose my mind

Trouble on my left, trouble on my right
I’ve been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love, won’t you pull me through?
Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of you

blog, blogging, life, love, writer, writing

Cracked Cement

Years back my heart was trapped in an extremely toxic relationship and after managing to escape that nightmare I took as much time as I needed to be broken…to repair.

Not wanting to replay the past, I decided to keep any relationship casual. No strings, no commitment, no personal attachment whatsoever. However, casual ended up not working out, seems as though I’m not the master of detachment as I thought I was. But, a serious relationship was not a card in the deck. See, part of being in a serious relationship means that your walls need to be taken down, that you allow your fears and insecurities to be seen…you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Love means that you have placed your trust and your heart into the hands of your partner while praying to God that they don’t break your heart or use your insecurities against you, resulting in your destruction. Honestly, the most terrifying aspect of love. One aspect I didn’t want to go through again.

So I devised this plan of giving up on looking for “the one”, giving up on love. I knew that my heart would be filled with pain by this suffocation, but I figured that this type of pain was better than feeling the pain created by another. At least this type of pain was one that I could control. I never said that this was a smart plan, it just seemed necessary.

This ridiculous plan that my brain conjured up seemed to work, at least in my blind eyes. However, as of lately a different type of pain has seeped into my heart like venom, but I can’t suck it out. I am walking through unfamiliar territory here, a darkness I can’t see in, control that’s out of my control.

This different pain, it’s sadness and emptiness entangled together and it runs through a deepness that I had never felt before. This ticker of mine, it continues to beat yet without rhythm. I feel it thumping inside my ribcage, yet it’s not alive.

I hate this level of heaviness I’m feeling, but I can’t seem to resesitate the contentment that my heart used to hold.

I thought that I was better off alone…I’m supposed to be able to better alone…I’m the one who supposed to survive through anything…

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September 29th, 2018

If I was allotted only one word to describe the other night, that word would be Epic.

This world we live in is torn between love and hate, there hasn’t been a balance in quite some time. Just as we were getting to that place of celebrating our differences, that place of common courtesy and acceptance…the world went into a dark spin causing a split chain reaction.

However, an event occured on Saturday, September 29th, 2018 that placed thousands of people under one roof for one purpose and one purpose only…

To rock their little beating hearts out…to soak in that reminder that we are all car crashed hearts.

For 4 hours, age…race…careers…body type…gender…sexual orientation…disabilities…Non of these statuses mattered.

The beats soothed any pain while the lyrics stitched every broken piece.

Every look was met with a smile and every interaction met with kindness.

Every body jumped and danced while every voice sang until their lungs gave out.

On Saturday, September 29th, 2018… everyone was equal.

Long live the car crashed hearts crying on the couch while the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five… -Fall Out Boy

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You see me smile…

We pass one another on the street, make eye contact and exchange a friendly smile…

You catch me at a restaurant enjoying a bite to eat with my friends, laughter and smiles are rolling…

At the theater you see me hanging with my Ma’, busting up at the latest blockbuster comedy…

At the coffee shop, you walk in and take a quick glance my way. I’m on my laptop or phone and a grin makes an appearance on my face…

Family time spent soaking in those vitamin-d rays while waves crash. A sunset bonfire crackling and memories relived in tears of joy. I crack a smirk.

A smile is a tricky feature…it is a double agent. A smile can be genuine in one moment and act as a mask in another. Pain, depression, anxiety…these mental monsters reside behind the smile.

The tricky part…it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between the two.

You see me smile…

I’ve got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match, what a catch… -Fall Out Boy

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Cinnamon Sugar Toast

Saturday afternoon…sitting at the table rewriting/ editing a few pieces from my current project and watching Triple X, my stomach suggests that I take a small break to grab a snack. While my eyes peruse every option on each shelve of the fridge, I pause my glance at the loaf of brioche bread and decide to make a couple of pieces of toast. I’m not sure why, but it just sounded so good.

Lightly toasted and buttered, I begin the process of selecting what to smear on this deliciously toasted treat. Cream cheese & strawberry jam…? PB & honey…?

Then out of the blue, my taste buds shifted into nostalgia mode…Cinnamon and Sugar.

As a kid, my Mom would sprinkle my toast with a mixture of cinnamon and sugar. It was that perfect little accompaniment to my scrambled eggs and fruit. Add a glass of juice and voila. This was one of my favorite breakfasts growing up (besides my Mom’s killer baked French toast).

So, I grabbed the container of sugar along with the jar of cinnamon and conjured up a perfectly balanced ratio of sweetness. Now, I am not one who likes a “punch you in the mouth” treat so I didn’t make it rain cinnamon sugar, I made it sprinkle.

That first bite…dude, let me tell you…crunchy buttery cinnamony sugary goodness… *yeah, I get a little excited about food lol*

For a moment I was 7 years old again….

Back to reality.

Ok, laptop…check, iced coffee…check, deliciousness on a plate…check, Vin Diesel kickin’ ass and blowin’ shit up…check.

Yep, this is my kinda Saturday afternoon.

You have a bazooka! Dude, stop thinking Prague Police and start thinking Playstation. Blow shit up! -Xander Cage