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The Death of Cupid

Derra Nicøle

Hey guys, hope you’re doing well. Tonight I thought I’d share a piece I wrote a few years back. No one has seen this until now, I hope you enjoy this little creative writing piece….

I dreamt of you once again, a bittersweet sub-conscious reunion as it always is. You starred at me with that piercing glance, causing every dark thought to commence in a never ending game of tag.

The all too common small talk is exchanged as if we were awkward strangers exchanging pleasant introductions. My mind pondering the equation, searching for a solution as to why we continue this dull dance every time we meet in this fogged place. This is becoming beyond my understanding, but spin and swirl I will, just to toy with you.

Perhaps this dance of ours is our twisted way of suffocating the obvious. Perhaps it is just the two of us stupidly playing chicken. Unnoticably, a comforting conversation on a deeper level forms and that all too uneasy feeling numbs my mind, for only you have been the one who knows how to crack my shell and visa-versa.

These dreams of you, of us, have been the most challenging to murder. As much as I love these sub-conscious visits and seeing your calming presence, these dreams need to stop, now. I need these dreams to quit playing during my stolen hours and I mean stop in a big bad way. These dreams are hurting my core, these dreams are causing me to hope for wishes that will never come true.

You and I were never meant to be in reality, no matter the feelings that lay on the table. Why my sub-conscious can’t copy and paste this information is beginning to frustrate. My minds rambunctious thoughts need to let this theory go, if not for their own sanity then for mine.

Tonight this static fantasy will end. Tonight I will allow myself to sleep so that the demons can come out and play. I will raise my hands in the air as the darkness recites me my rights. I will deny any representation and allow those playful demons to press the suicide button.

“Do not look for my heart anymore, the beasts have eaten it”. – Charles Baudelaire

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My Thoughts, Your Ears

Derra Nicøle

If you listen closely enough, you can hear the thoughts spiraling around someone’s mind or heart without them saying a word….

Shhhhh..just listen…

Habits by Machine Gun Kelly

Me, Myself and I by G-Eazy

Let You Down by NF

Running From my Shadow by Mike Shinoda

Home by Machine Gun Kelly

Jumpsuit by Twenty One Pilots

Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons

Sad Song by We The Kings

Hold Me Tight or Don’t by Fall Out Boy

Church by Fall Out Boy

Heaven’s Gate by Fall Out Boy

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Main Fear

Derra Nicøle

The other day I read a quote that stated to write about what it is you fear most…

I think this is why I have tendencies to write about love as I’m lying wide awake at 2am…

Love, my mind doesn’t fear it for what it is, the fear lies within compartmentalized aspects…

Part of me fears the thought of “the jump”. Once you’ve jumped, hoping and trusting that the human on the other side will catch you, only to crash and burn, implants a sense of future distrust…

Part of me fears that the, what should be an honest commitment, will inevitably toxify into a dishonest cheat…

Part of me fears that what should be a loving, protective and respectful relationship will only break from tempered poison…

All of this equals the main fear of having the rug pulled from under my feet and losing another piece of my heart…

All of this creates a fear that these embedded scarred fears will cause my heart to miss out on a chance of genuine love…

These are the 2am thoughts that keep me up all night…

This is the one fear that I fear most…

Even when I doubt you…I’m no good without you… -Twenty One Pilots

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Shame On Me

Derra Nicøle

Hey guys, one of my best friends and I collaborated on this blog idea. Brandi and I wrote about self love. Please make sure you head over to her blog and check out her piece & amazing work. She is such a talented writer.

Something ain’t right inside of me… -MGK

Shame on me for having freckles that are sporadically speckled all over my body. Shame on me for having scars that intermingle with certain areas on my body. Shame on me for not having a perfect human form that is beautifully tan and unblemished.

Shame on me for having a physical disorder that has left behind evidence of surgeries. Shame on me for being a size zero in jeans, I must having an eating disorder, right. Shame on me for not being the perfect specimen that society prefers I’d be in order to be deemed acceptable.

Shame on me…

I became such a strange shape tryin’ to fit in… -FOB

Shame on me for finding contentment within myself, with my body. Shame on me for loving my porcelain freckled skin. Shame on me for being proud of my scars, for they are the proof that I have survived many battles, both physical and mental. Shame on me for tarnishing my body with inky pictures that describe certain parts of my life’s story.

Shame on me for having an appetite for all different types of cuisine, including delicious carbs. Shame on me for being born into this world damaged and loving that fact.

Shame on me for loving humans for who they are, for their intellectual minds, their kind hearts and beautiful souls. Shame on me for not judging someone because of their imperfections.

Shame on me for going against the grain, for thinking outside the box, for standing up for what’s right and shame on me for starting a fire and continually adding fuel to it.

Shame on me…

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls…sing it out for the ones that will hate your guts… sing it for the world…MCR

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Two Little Horns & A California Soul

Derra Nicøle

These warm sand grains trickle down in my minds hourglass as the melody of these foamed capped waves crashing in and out calm my anxious ears…

This vibrantly painted sunset recharges the dim glow flickering within the center of my soul. The neon pinks and oranges capture the distracted attention of my broken Christmas light eyes…

This cooling SoCal summer breeze intertwining with the silhouette of these palm trees washes over my freckled frame, leaving a sense of home that is rarely felt by these German/ Irish bones…

These tiny black marks imprinted in each left corner of this mind, heart and soul slowly pulsates reminding me of the past, these scars, this ink and the O.G. version of who I was…

This warrior heart stitched in gold reminds me of the contentment I’ve earned, of the unknown beauty in every future dream and possibility…

In her heart there’s a hole, there’s a black mark on her soul… -Bryce Fox

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Life’s No Fun Without a Good Scare

Derra Nicøle

If you were to ask me what my favorite childhood movie is my answer would be The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Not just because of the fact that it’s an awesome movie or because it was created by the legendary Tim Burton, but because I resonate with the main pumpkin king himself, Jack Skellington.

Even though Jack was the man, the king of Halloween, he felt like something was missing, like there was something more to life. He felt as though he didn’t fully belong in Halloweentown, he needed to find himself, he needed to venture out. Thus the insanity that spiraled out with the kidnapping of Sandy Claws and Oogie Boogie causing chaos with the help of Lock, Shock and Barrel.

In the end of the Christmas madness, Jack realized that while his intrigue was ignited by all the magic of Christmas, he was the best pumpkin king there was. He always belonged in Halloweentown amongst The Mayor, Sally and his adorable ghostly dog Zero. By venturing out he found himself.

I lost myself and had to become someone I wasn’t in order to truly find myself.

I love my family, my friends, I love my life and have found a contentment within myself I didn’t think I’d ever find.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I can tell you that I watch it every year during Halloween and Christmas.

My favorite song from the soundtrack is What’s This? And the rendition done by Fall Out Boy is insane. Go give it a listen.

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Batman = Dad

Derra Nicøle

Yes, as you can guess from the title, my hero is my Dad. He isn’t just my Dad, he’s also one of my best friends. We have been on so many adventures over the years and we’ve shared a few deep moments that I wouldn’t have gotten through without him.

When my Mom met my Dad, not only did he fall in love with her, but he also fell for her little girl (me, just in case you were thrown off lol). I was a little over a year old and not your typical kiddo. I was born with a rare disorder, EB, and the fact that my Dad chose my Mom, and in a way me, has always been one of the things I’ve admired about him. He didn’t have to stay, he could have easily had decided to leave after my Mom introduced me to him.

My biological father left a few months after I was born, for whatever his reasons were.

My Dad, he has always been there…

From school plays, graduations, birthdays and starting water gun wars on the weekends my Mom was away for a work convention.

From the first time my heart was broken, to the time when I lost my eye sight, to surgeries and saving me from an ex who stalked me after we broke up.

My Dad was there when I told him that I was having suicidal thoughts, I was 13 and he wasn’t ready to hear that his daughter thought those thoughts, but he always listened and numbed my pain. I know that I can go to him about anything and not be judged. He always has an open ear and a shoulder you can lean on.

He has taught all of us Sabo kids the following…

– Work hard for what you want in life.

– Don’t allow the petty things to get to you.

– Never throw the first punch, but you better damn well finish it.

– You can be fans of whatever team you’d like, but the only hockey team we Sabos root for are the Kings.

He has always worked hard, providing for his family. Us Sabo monsters have always had what we needed and what we wanted and even though my Dad worked his ass off, he made time for family. He hates the beach, but always goes for us. Every Christmas we watch Home Alone and It’s a Wonderful Life. A trip to the mountains always means a snowball fight will breakout. Anytime he sees a homeless person he tries to help by buying them a meal, giving them a bottle of water or a few dollars. He is known for taking care of a random person’s bill when we go out to eat and lends a helping hand whenever he can. He has always led by example.

Keith Sabo aka Batman

If you get in between someone I love and me, you’re gonna feel the heat of my calvary… -Twenty Øne Pilots