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Happy Birthday Ma’

You never stomped on any of my ideas, goals or dreams. You never started any conversation with the words “No” or “Can’t”. Creativity and hard work were always the cards played to help me achieve my newest project. From Tap and Ballet lessons… art sets so that I could sketch out my imagination… my drum set days for band during my elementary and Jr. High years… finding a love for cooking which now means we’ve upgraded from colored pencils and drumsticks to sharp knives and fire… my fascination with the sharpness and beauty of words resulting in my dream of one day becoming an author.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always believing in the person that I’ve become and showing me the power that unconditional love has. Thank you for being my Ma’ 💛

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Anomaly

Anomoly – something that deviates from the standard

A.k.a. … Me

Last night my heart did something strange, something that slightly freaked me out.

The heart is an amazing muscle. It feeds the body, it feels emotions. The heart is quite the multi-tasker, it maintains the current of blue plasma through the freeway of veins while sending our brains morse coded love notes.

The heart and left ring digit are eternally connected by a single vein, I call that vein Cupid St..

While lying in bed, my mind going over today’s schedule, my ears soaking in the lyrics to Sail, my heart went from a normal rhythm to one hard beat then nothing. At least it felt as though it stopped, seriously. I couldn’t feel it beating in the center of my chest. I couldn’t see it’s pulsating motion. While I could feel my pulse, it’s as though my heart went missing. After a couple of minutes, all was right…the beat was back.

As I sat in bed, my mind began crunching every possibility of what was happening. I know this makes me sound like I’m crazy and I’d agree with you, I was slightly freaked. In the end of analyzing my present situation, my brain came up with one option…possible warning sign of a heart attack, or a weird palpation. I’ve had both, so that automatically becomes the first scenario, the scenario that seems most logical.

So, I lied back down allowed the music to calm this anomoly.

As morning waved hello, I began scrolling through the daily news on my phone. My time to keep up with what’s what in this beautifully chaotic world. An article caught my attention, the cliff notes version…that even though you haven’t met your soulmate yet, your hearts are already connected. Your heart can feel when their heart is happy or broken. While I believe anything is truly possible, I wasn’t quite sold on that article.

However, as the hours of sunlight diminished, my brain couldn’t help but, ponder that curious article. What if soulmates hearts are somehow connected in a way…what if my heart felt a moment of “his” pain. I say pain because that hard beat followed by not feeling anything at all was in no way pleasant.

I don’t know…

Last night was indeed weird….

Quite the anomaly…

I want you forever even when we’re not together… – MGK

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Dangerous Humans

If I were to ask you who the most dangerous type of people are, I’m guessing your answer would lie somewhere along the lines with murderers, psychopaths or possibly MI6 specially trained operates (I may have recently watched a 007 movie 🙃). Now your answers are considered correct, those are some very dangerous types of people, however, there is one other type of person that could be considered equally dangerous…

Those humans that don’t need other humans. That exclusive species that stopped needing others in there lives. They are completely stabilized and functional solo. This isn’t to say that they have no one in their lives, it is simply that those that reside in their circle are wanted not needed. See, when you eliminate needing someone in your life vs. wanting someone in your life, you eliminate the pain that normally would be inevitable if anyone should betray you or leave you.

Needing = walls down & attached strings

Wanting = guard up & no strings

This isn’t a recommended way of living life. It has been scientifically proven that we humans function and thrive better amongst each other. However, sometimes life has this not so funny way of throwing a monkey wrench into your world, ultimately breaking your world. So, sometimes the only way one can rebuild and restart is to practice the lone wolf life style. We want people in our lives, we just don’t allow ourselves to need them. Mainly due to past experiences that created new fears.

It’s just me, myself and I so I’ll ride until I die ’cause I got me for life… – G-Eazy

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Rebel

It’s crazy… I feel like more of an outcast in a community that I’m supposed to feel belonged in than I do as a human residing in the rest of the world.

Judgement is felt more amongst “my people” than it is from those who see me purchasing my Starbucks and shopping at Target.

I find myself more and more curious as to why that is…

Maybe it’s because I am a rebel.

The one who chooses to defy the statistics…the one who chooses to share my story in hopes of helping others rather than play the “victim” to gain free advancements.

Maybe it is because I live my life according to my own views rather than remain trapped inside ORs as the surgeon’s guinea pig because he knows what’s best.

Or, maybe it is mainly because I choose to find the silver lining at the end of a shitty day, knowing that tomorrow is a fresh start, rather than pull everyone into my shit storm so they’ll feel sorry for me.

So, if I don’t fit into “your world” then where do I fit in…where do I belong…

I fit into the smiles and laughter of my family and friends. I fit into the star studded universe where my Guardian Angel resides, watching over me. I fit into these bones of mine that are made up of molecules from my ancestors. I fit into the empty space inside of my future love’s heart.

I belong right here, amongst the sand, the ocean and this cotton candy sunset.

I am a rebel.

Jumpsuit, Jumpsuit cover me… -Twenty One Pilots

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2 in the Morning

They say that if you pay close attention to the universe it actually sends you signs, whether towards your professional path or personal path.

As of lately I have been meditating for 10 minutes a day, mainly as an aid in helping with my anxiety and I’ve taken up Yoga for fitness plus it’s a great stress reliever. See, I’ve been off my personal game and I hate feeling so off.

Career wise I’m moving along at a balanced pace. Recently I did a week long blog tour for Dear You, will be doing a second blog tour in a couple of weeks, but this time it is a month long, I have pretty much finished my latest manuscript and am researching publishers to submit it to. I’ve started dabbling my hand at a fictional novel along with a couple other new opportunities that have come my way. Slowly, but surely the writing gig is growing strong.

My personal game, well I’ll be honest, I’m struggling. I have no queries with myself persay, I know who I am and what I want in life. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and have finally gotten to that beautiful place of inner contentment. It’s been one hell of a journey taken to get to this point, a few storms nearly wiped me out, but I’m still here standing strong and grateful for the whole experience thus far.

And yet, when that infamous 2am hour hits my fears seem to invade my mind and feed off of my deep insecurities.

The other night while sitting on the patio, sippin’ on a cup of “life juice” and soaking in the lyrics to Let You Down by NF, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie as I was getting a bit warm and my attention was drawn to the ink on my right arm. Embedded under my skin is every defining moment of my life, it breaks my heart to know that every one of those defined moments was a storm. However, every storm brings a rainbow. This ink represents both how the world tried to end me and how I survived. This somehow shrinks down when that clock strikes 2.

You want to know where my mind goes at that hour, what that warrior ink temporarily morphs into?

At 2am that ink becomes my demise, I run my left hand across that tatt and wonder if this is actually the reason why I haven’t found love yet. Is this actually my label signifying that I am “damaged” rather than a “warrior”? Will certain traits such as my personality, intelligence, my heart ever count for anything? Or are physical features the only aspect that is priority? If so then I am truly fucked, all because of these scars from those surgeries and a life cursed by a rare disorder. All of which I have zero control over. A life that I never asked for, but took and made it my own.

I’m beginning to wonder if my fate will ever mirror the image of Jack & Sally that’s embedded on my back.

Honestly, real talk here…I’m losing this tight grip I have on my faith in ever finding my missing piece.

See, I’ve been searchin’ for somethin’ out there, when is it comin’? Tell me what to tell myself… -Machine Gun Kelly

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Lone Wolf

Do you do well being alone…?

I do better being alone, or so I thought. See, after my last relationship I convinced myself that I was meant to be single, that I was better off being alone. I’ll admit that being alone hurts like hell, but I brainwashed myself into believing that this pain in my heart was worth feeling over the pain of another breaking my heart. And honestly, in a twisted way, I was okay with that.

However, a few months ago a friend made a comment that shook my clouded outlook.

“I love you girl, but you need to be told this…you don’t do well alone. I know you’ve convinced yourself that you’re okay solo, but you’re not. You’re someone who is meant to find your better half, to have that cheesy happily ever after love. This whole “lone wolf” road you’re going down is internally killing you.”

Her comment hit kinda hard, but in a positive way. If nothing else I know when I’m wrong, it doesn’t happen too often, but I have no problem admitting it. The fear of taking that vulnerable leap again is what has allowed me to continually trick my mind into believing I was meant to be alone. The self inflicted pain in my heart, well that wasn’t and isn’t as easy to ignore.

Finding that “someone” is scary enough, but to find someone who will love and protect all of you, including the broken pieces, is down right terrifying. Especially if you’ve been twice burned.

All of me believes that my friend is right, but I can’t help but wonder if I missed out on my chance at love due to being that lone wolf.

Better off alone…foolish thinking.

And when I fall to rise with stardust in my eyes
In the backbone of night, I’m combustible
Dust in the fire when I can’t sleep a wink, I’m too tired…-P!ATD

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The Perfect Amount of Doomed

I, since a young girl, have dreamt of one day finding my “Jack”. The missing piece of my heart, the guy whom would accept me, challenge me, make me want to be a better version of myself, someone to create a family with, to create a beautiful life with…that “ride or die” kinda love.

The other half of my soul that would make my heart feel nervous, safe and whole. The one who would cause goosebumps to ripple across my skin, make my breath momentarily seize, make the thunder in my cerebral calm and make my knees weaken with every kiss.

The man that would crack jokes to make my sides hurt from laughter, cause a grin to appear from just the mere sight of him as I think to myself, “Yeah, that’s my guy.”.

The one that would always be by my side, have my back, sit with me in the silence of sadness or grief should those ever hit. The one that will ride through every storm that may hit us.

A dream of finding the one person that I could be all of these for him.

Yet, I have not yet found him, I find myself continually questioning if our paths would ever cross and I think I know why. I am subconsciously dooming myself. See, I was using the excuse that no guy would want a girl who was broken, the girl with the rare disorder, but in actuality I am scared shitless of history repeating itself. While it is difficult to meet someone who is able to look past my disorder and see me for who I truly am, the thought of once again falling for someone who finds pleasure in misleading and hurting my heart makes me shake. I know that not all humans are into playing the villain, but once bitten – twice shy. How do I know the truly good guys from the bad? How do I push past the nerves, fears and angst?

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I may need him more than he needs me one day…

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because of the thought that one day he may cheat on me or become deceitful.

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I have labeled myself as “not beautiful”, “not good enough”, “too broken”.

I have perfectly doomed myself the way only my mind can.

They say that you shouldn’t fear the unknown, yet here I am caught in a game of chicken with it.

If she had the proper words to say she would tell him, but she’d have nothing left to sell him… -Panic! @ The Disco