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Rebel

It’s crazy… I feel like more of an outcast in a community that I’m supposed to feel belonged in than I do as a human residing in the rest of the world.

Judgement is felt more amongst “my people” than it is from those who see me purchasing my Starbucks and shopping at Target.

I find myself more and more curious as to why that is…

Maybe it’s because I am a rebel.

The one who chooses to defy the statistics…the one who chooses to share my story in hopes of helping others rather than play the “victim” to gain free advancements.

Maybe it is because I live my life according to my own views rather than remain trapped inside ORs as the surgeon’s guinea pig because he knows what’s best.

Or, maybe it is mainly because I choose to find the silver lining at the end of a shitty day, knowing that tomorrow is a fresh start, rather than pull everyone into my shit storm so they’ll feel sorry for me.

So, if I don’t fit into “your world” then where do I fit in…where do I belong…

I fit into the smiles and laughter of my family and friends. I fit into the star studded universe where my Guardian Angel resides, watching over me. I fit into these bones of mine that are made up of molecules from my ancestors. I fit into the empty space inside of my future love’s heart.

I belong right here, amongst the sand, the ocean and this cotton candy sunset.

I am a rebel.

Jumpsuit, Jumpsuit cover me… -Twenty One Pilots

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2 in the Morning

They say that if you pay close attention to the universe it actually sends you signs, whether towards your professional path or personal path.

As of lately I have been meditating for 10 minutes a day, mainly as an aid in helping with my anxiety and I’ve taken up Yoga for fitness plus it’s a great stress reliever. See, I’ve been off my personal game and I hate feeling so off.

Career wise I’m moving along at a balanced pace. Recently I did a week long blog tour for Dear You, will be doing a second blog tour in a couple of weeks, but this time it is a month long, I have pretty much finished my latest manuscript and am researching publishers to submit it to. I’ve started dabbling my hand at a fictional novel along with a couple other new opportunities that have come my way. Slowly, but surely the writing gig is growing strong.

My personal game, well I’ll be honest, I’m struggling. I have no queries with myself persay, I know who I am and what I want in life. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and have finally gotten to that beautiful place of inner contentment. It’s been one hell of a journey taken to get to this point, a few storms nearly wiped me out, but I’m still here standing strong and grateful for the whole experience thus far.

And yet, when that infamous 2am hour hits my fears seem to invade my mind and feed off of my deep insecurities.

The other night while sitting on the patio, sippin’ on a cup of “life juice” and soaking in the lyrics to Let You Down by NF, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie as I was getting a bit warm and my attention was drawn to the ink on my right arm. Embedded under my skin is every defining moment of my life, it breaks my heart to know that every one of those defined moments was a storm. However, every storm brings a rainbow. This ink represents both how the world tried to end me and how I survived. This somehow shrinks down when that clock strikes 2.

You want to know where my mind goes at that hour, what that warrior ink temporarily morphs into?

At 2am that ink becomes my demise, I run my left hand across that tatt and wonder if this is actually the reason why I haven’t found love yet. Is this actually my label signifying that I am “damaged” rather than a “warrior”? Will certain traits such as my personality, intelligence, my heart ever count for anything? Or are physical features the only aspect that is priority? If so then I am truly fucked, all because of these scars from those surgeries and a life cursed by a rare disorder. All of which I have zero control over. A life that I never asked for, but took and made it my own.

I’m beginning to wonder if my fate will ever mirror the image of Jack & Sally that’s embedded on my back.

Honestly, real talk here…I’m losing this tight grip I have on my faith in ever finding my missing piece.

See, I’ve been searchin’ for somethin’ out there, when is it comin’? Tell me what to tell myself… -Machine Gun Kelly

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Lone Wolf

Do you do well being alone…?

I do better being alone, or so I thought. See, after my last relationship I convinced myself that I was meant to be single, that I was better off being alone. I’ll admit that being alone hurts like hell, but I brainwashed myself into believing that this pain in my heart was worth feeling over the pain of another breaking my heart. And honestly, in a twisted way, I was okay with that.

However, a few months ago a friend made a comment that shook my clouded outlook.

“I love you girl, but you need to be told this…you don’t do well alone. I know you’ve convinced yourself that you’re okay solo, but you’re not. You’re someone who is meant to find your better half, to have that cheesy happily ever after love. This whole “lone wolf” road you’re going down is internally killing you.”

Her comment hit kinda hard, but in a positive way. If nothing else I know when I’m wrong, it doesn’t happen too often, but I have no problem admitting it. The fear of taking that vulnerable leap again is what has allowed me to continually trick my mind into believing I was meant to be alone. The self inflicted pain in my heart, well that wasn’t and isn’t as easy to ignore.

Finding that “someone” is scary enough, but to find someone who will love and protect all of you, including the broken pieces, is down right terrifying. Especially if you’ve been twice burned.

All of me believes that my friend is right, but I can’t help but wonder if I missed out on my chance at love due to being that lone wolf.

Better off alone…foolish thinking.

And when I fall to rise with stardust in my eyes
In the backbone of night, I’m combustible
Dust in the fire when I can’t sleep a wink, I’m too tired…-P!ATD

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The Perfect Amount of Doomed

I, since a young girl, have dreamt of one day finding my “Jack”. The missing piece of my heart, the guy whom would accept me, challenge me, make me want to be a better version of myself, someone to create a family with, to create a beautiful life with…that “ride or die” kinda love.

The other half of my soul that would make my heart feel nervous, safe and whole. The one who would cause goosebumps to ripple across my skin, make my breath momentarily seize, make the thunder in my cerebral calm and make my knees weaken with every kiss.

The man that would crack jokes to make my sides hurt from laughter, cause a grin to appear from just the mere sight of him as I think to myself, “Yeah, that’s my guy.”.

The one that would always be by my side, have my back, sit with me in the silence of sadness or grief should those ever hit. The one that will ride through every storm that may hit us.

A dream of finding the one person that I could be all of these for him.

Yet, I have not yet found him, I find myself continually questioning if our paths would ever cross and I think I know why. I am subconsciously dooming myself. See, I was using the excuse that no guy would want a girl who was broken, the girl with the rare disorder, but in actuality I am scared shitless of history repeating itself. While it is difficult to meet someone who is able to look past my disorder and see me for who I truly am, the thought of once again falling for someone who finds pleasure in misleading and hurting my heart makes me shake. I know that not all humans are into playing the villain, but once bitten – twice shy. How do I know the truly good guys from the bad? How do I push past the nerves, fears and angst?

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I may need him more than he needs me one day…

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because of the thought that one day he may cheat on me or become deceitful.

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I have labeled myself as “not beautiful”, “not good enough”, “too broken”.

I have perfectly doomed myself the way only my mind can.

They say that you shouldn’t fear the unknown, yet here I am caught in a game of chicken with it.

If she had the proper words to say she would tell him, but she’d have nothing left to sell him… -Panic! @ The Disco

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3 Days, 3 Quotes: Day 1

I love a good quote, be it lyrical or spoken. I came across this challenge over on The Perks of Being Different blog, loved the theme so I decided to join this trend. I’m not usually a trend follower, but once in a while it’s fun to hop on board.

Today’s quote has been a favorite of mine for a long time, ever since my eyes soaked it in and my heart melted. It is a pretty infamous one…

Out of all the quotes residing within the world of love, this is the most elegant, pure, honest and romantic. In my opinion of course.

What is your favorite love quote?

Until tomorrow… ❤

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Second Chance?

Chilled midnight skies embedded with frost bitten stars. The thoughts that shoot down from the glow of the moon are curious and inspired. The crash of each wave as it kisses the cool sand is soothing. This midnight breeze causes goosebumps to run down my neck, causing a chain reaction. My heart begins to beat intensely, the gears in my mind begin to spin at drift like speeds and the tattoo on my back starts to glow. I find myself thinking about you. I wonder if you too are listening to crashing waves, if you’re heart is also beating intensely, if your thoughts are also spinnng.

I never thought that I’d find myself in this situation, this place in my life where both my heart and mind would exist on the same page. After my last relationship I thought I was done with love, not because I lost my faith in it, but because I thought that I was too broken from that past storm, that the poisonous words injected into my brain were true. It took me a long time to find the missing pieces that broke off from that last blow, a few were never recovered. In the darkness I hid, I needed time to repair and rebuild.

Rebuilding myself took longer than I thought and it was much harder than I was prepared for. But, it was a journey that was worth it. I became lost within the waves a few times, tumbling and being pulled under. It was rough, but it was worth it because I am now proud of the person that I’ve become, scars and all.

That storm was necessary. That storm made me whole again, well as whole as can be. I know that I stayed in the center of that storm for far too long and I am so sorry for that. But, I wanted, I needed to make sure that my heart was completely healed before giving it to you. It’s scarred, but it’s healed and you deserve nothing less than that. I’m okay with the fact that I’ve got scars, but I didn’t want to come to you broken.

Sitting here thinking of you, my glowing tattoo makes me wish that you were here with me or that I was with you where you are. I imagine what it’d feel like to be in your arms as we both become lost in conversation under a midnight sky. I imagine us sleeping in on Sunday mornings, my head on your chest, listening to your heart beat as you sleep. I imagine sneaking up behind you and kissing the back of your neck as I wrap my arms around you, just because I can. I imagine surprising you on your birthday with a gift you’ve always wanted but never ended up buying. I imagine decorating the tree with you during the holidays, parties with friends and family.

This tattoo on my back was a promise I made to myself to never give up on finding love, to never give up on finding you. No matter how much doubt may still be in the shadows of my mind, no matter how scared I may be when taking that final jump, I know that you’re my home and as long as I’m with you I’m safe.

Within every molecule of ink that forms my tattoo is a promise…I promise that I will always be there for you, that no storm will ever tear us apart. Through the light and the dark, through the calm and the storm, I will always love you.

Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe. I will stay, so the lantern in your heart won’t fade… -Jon Bellion

I no longer am searching for the answer to the question that I’ve been asking the universe because I now know the answer. I know why I’m still here on earth, everything that I’ve been through, all of the times I should’ve been down for the count. I know why my heart is still beating… You. Whoever you are. You’ve kept me going all of this time, even during those times when I just wanted to give up.

I don’t know if our paths will ever physically cross, I dont know if you feel what I feel, I dont know if you and I will ever become a we. But, I do know one thing…you’ve captured my heart.

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Ultra Kinda Love

To those who

dream of a passionate, true love…

To those who

dream of a reciprocated love that

protects, encourages, pushes

and loves honestly…

To those who

dream of saying and hearing

those infamous and unconditional words…

To those who

dream of one romantic day

walking down the aisle, feeling

beautiful for the first time.

Looking beautiful in Vera Wang white.

To those who

dream of one day

hearing tiny feet

and tiny laughs…

To those who

dream of getting lost in their love’s

eyes at 87, as though it was their first date…

To those who

dream of these beautiful images

in between their

nightmare induced slumber…