Chilled midnight skies embedded with frost bitten stars. The thoughts that shoot down from the glow of the moon are curious and inspired. The crash of each wave as it kisses the cool sand is soothing. This midnight breeze causes goosebumps to run down my neck, causing a chain reaction. My heart begins to beat intensely, the gears in my mind begin to spin at drift like speeds and the tattoo on my back starts to glow. I find myself thinking about you. I wonder if you too are listening to crashing waves, if you’re heart is also beating intensely, if your thoughts are also spinnng.
I never thought that I’d find myself in this situation, this place in my life where both my heart and mind would exist on the same page. After my last relationship I thought I was done with love, not because I lost my faith in it, but because I thought that I was too broken from that past storm, that the poisonous words injected into my brain were true. It took me a long time to find the missing pieces that broke off from that last blow, a few were never recovered. In the darkness I hid, I needed time to repair and rebuild.
Rebuilding myself took longer than I thought and it was much harder than I was prepared for. But, it was a journey that was worth it. I became lost within the waves a few times, tumbling and being pulled under. It was rough, but it was worth it because I am now proud of the person that I’ve become, scars and all.
That storm was necessary. That storm made me whole again, well as whole as can be. I know that I stayed in the center of that storm for far too long and I am so sorry for that. But, I wanted, I needed to make sure that my heart was completely healed before giving it to you. It’s scarred, but it’s healed and you deserve nothing less than that. I’m okay with the fact that I’ve got scars, but I didn’t want to come to you broken.
Sitting here thinking of you, my glowing tattoo makes me wish that you were here with me or that I was with you where you are. I imagine what it’d feel like to be in your arms as we both become lost in conversation under a midnight sky. I imagine us sleeping in on Sunday mornings, my head on your chest, listening to your heart beat as you sleep. I imagine sneaking up behind you and kissing the back of your neck as I wrap my arms around you, just because I can. I imagine surprising you on your birthday with a gift you’ve always wanted but never ended up buying. I imagine decorating the tree with you during the holidays, parties with friends and family.
This tattoo on my back was a promise I made to myself to never give up on finding love, to never give up on finding you. No matter how much doubt may still be in the shadows of my mind, no matter how scared I may be when taking that final jump, I know that you’re my home and as long as I’m with you I’m safe.
Within every molecule of ink that forms my tattoo is a promise…I promise that I will always be there for you, that no storm will ever tear us apart. Through the light and the dark, through the calm and the storm, I will always love you.
Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe. I will stay, so the lantern in your heart won’t fade… -Jon Bellion
I no longer am searching for the answer to the question that I’ve been asking the universe because I now know the answer. I know why I’m still here on earth, everything that I’ve been through, all of the times I should’ve been down for the count. I know why my heart is still beating… You. Whoever you are. You’ve kept me going all of this time, even during those times when I just wanted to give up.
I don’t know if our paths will ever physically cross, I dont know if you feel what I feel, I dont know if you and I will ever become a we. But, I do know one thing…you’ve captured my heart.