Sneaky Grin

A chilled 57* and that beautiful Cheshire cat moon grins from 250 thousand miles up…

Snug under the covers, sipping on a steaming mug of BlackBerry cinnamon tea and listening to Home is Such a Lonely Place by Blink 182 while jotting down thought after thought on these blue lines…

Hoppus sings the line, “this universe an empty place without you…” which triggers your image to pop into my mind. I don’t even know you, yet those above words rings true like violin strings playing in the background…

Nights have been spent staying away from the Sandman, no zzzz’s equals no dreams. These dreams these past months have been nothing short of bittersweet. This comatose vision of you and me is sweet. The way you look at me, your eyes piercing right past my disorder, my scars. What most choose not to see past, you have made glow. For all you see is who I truly am at my core. Your eyes are beautiful and that smile of yours, damn your handsome…

Then Sunshine Riptide begins to play, signaling my cue to get up, outta bed and face the world. In that moment of that first morning stretch the realization that these dreams are ones that aren’t meant to come true is so bitter…

Tonight…tonight I think I’ll try and catch a few of those notorious zzz’s. If a dream of you sneaks in, then that’s just the bright red cherry on top. Besides, these days I need a little sweetness…

Mmmm, this tea is pretty tasty and how I do love that luminous sneaky grin moon.

I want you forever even when we’re not together… -Machine Gun Kelly

Lantern

I woke up with this feeling of wanting today to already end, but time spent with family and wishes from friends made my heart glow, my face crack a cheerful grin and my veins flood with gratefulness…

The Cali sun warmed these Autumn skies as a trip to the coffee shop soothed my thoughts…

Today, a day that’s not labeled as my favorite, turned out lovely…

These skies are fire orange, luminous as the sun tucks itself in for the night. A chill night indulgent in Chinese cuisine and a few favorite shows…

The 10:10 moment is nearing, the moon beautiful as always and a single star peering out a touch brighter. I take a deep breath, look up and pray my silent prayer. One day I hope I find you because while I’d wait forever for you, my soul is growing weary…

Now here I am, another year older and even a bit wiser. This day is done, the night air is calmingly crisp. A little music, a little writing, a little chestnut praline latte (tis the season) and a little thinking about you…

Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe. I will stay so the lantern in your heart won’t fade… -Jon Bellion

Morphing 2018

I have morphed from a young kiddo to an interesting human…

I have morphed from the broken girl always in the hospital to the immortal mortal, Death clearly isn’t ready…

I have morphed from the suicidal teen to a voice who won’t shut up about ending this suffocating stigma attached to mental health…

I have morphed from the immature girl who would enter into wrong relationships, eluded by the notion that at least I wasn’t lonely, when in fact I had never felt lonelier. Guys that didn’t deserve what and who I am, each breaking me down. It took the toxicity of dating a sociopath for my eyes to truly open, for my mind to reevaluate and for my heart to realize that waiting for my genuine Jack isn’t asking for too much…

I have morphed from the quiet doormat to taking care of myself and starting to stand up for my values, for myself. I have detoxified my atmosphere, those whom I surround myself with, both in reality and the internet…

I have morphed from Derra to Derra Nicole!

I’ll morph to someone else, I’m just a ghost…defense mechanism mode… -Twenty One Pilots

Riddler

Riddle me this…

I don’t know you, so why are you…

…constantly on my mind?

…constantly in my heart?

…constantly popping into my dreams?

…what do I do?

Got so much to lose
Got so much to prove
God, don’t let me lose my mind

Trouble on my left, trouble on my right
I’ve been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love, won’t you pull me through?
Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of you

September 29th, 2018

If I was allotted only one word to describe the other night, that word would be Epic.

This world we live in is torn between love and hate, there hasn’t been a balance in quite some time. Just as we were getting to that place of celebrating our differences, that place of common courtesy and acceptance…the world went into a dark spin causing a split chain reaction.

However, an event occured on Saturday, September 29th, 2018 that placed thousands of people under one roof for one purpose and one purpose only…

To rock their little beating hearts out…to soak in that reminder that we are all car crashed hearts.

For 4 hours, age…race…careers…body type…gender…sexual orientation…disabilities…Non of these statuses mattered.

The beats soothed any pain while the lyrics stitched every broken piece.

Every look was met with a smile and every interaction met with kindness.

Every body jumped and danced while every voice sang until their lungs gave out.

On Saturday, September 29th, 2018… everyone was equal.

Long live the car crashed hearts crying on the couch while the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five… -Fall Out Boy

Happy Birthday Ma’

You never stomped on any of my ideas, goals or dreams. You never started any conversation with the words “No” or “Can’t”. Creativity and hard work were always the cards played to help me achieve my newest project. From Tap and Ballet lessons… art sets so that I could sketch out my imagination… my drum set days for band during my elementary and Jr. High years… finding a love for cooking which now means we’ve upgraded from colored pencils and drumsticks to sharp knives and fire… my fascination with the sharpness and beauty of words resulting in my dream of one day becoming an author.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always believing in the person that I’ve become and showing me the power that unconditional love has. Thank you for being my Ma’ 💛