Zero

Pain, it’s a sneaky little bugger, a form that can morph from physical to mental with a flip of the switch. Each form delivering varying levels of extensivity. While physical pain is temporary, eventually healing leaving a scar behind as proof of its existence…mental pain is much more sticky as it intertwines itself like symbiote through every brainwave and ventricle of one’s heart. This form of toxicity takes longer to extrude, to process through and hopefully finding that sense of piece in order to move forward.

This past year was nothing short of a battle against myself as I fought to regain my sense of contentment that somehow slipped out from my grip. Feeling like a doormat caused that sense of being drug under into the darkness once again. Feeling as though I wasn’t good enough for, well, anything.

Dealing with a toxic publishing house to deleting toxic “friends”. Moments of pure frustration, to the point of tears being shed. Moments of wondering if my next move would contain waving the white flag. Moments of blocking out the world, staying hidden within these hoodies. Lastly, that moment of peering through the looking glass, wiping away any existing fear and walking through my liquid reflection.

Too long I lived amongst my mental scars, it’s time for a redirection as I finally kiss this black rose, lay it upon this seven feet deep grave and leave behind these chains. Rest in peace Past…

In the last couple of months I have moved forward to new, honest opportunities dealing with writing, I have finished my next manuscript and have once again been bitten by inspiration to begin my first endeavor into the fictional world.

I no longer tell myself that I’m too broken, too damaged for love. Far too long I truly believed that love would never give me a chance, that we’d never coinside. While I am still anxious at the thought of history repeating itself, you never know until you try. Once more, one last jump, that’s all I have left in these bones. Here’s hoping…One day.

Pain..it’s a sneaky annoying life lesson..

A beating heart of stone, you gotta be so cold to make it in this world…Yeah, you’re a natural living your life cutthroat… -Imagine Dragons

From Black to Gold

A while back I told you not to wait for me, that if you met another who made your heart smile then jump…

But, I’m asking you now…please wait for me. Before my heart was still in lockdown mode from a past toxic love, I was still scared at the thought of allowing another to enter my world again. This image of destruction kept invading my mind…

Within the lapsed time that faded away since writing that post, from telling you not to wait for me, something changed inside of my bones. The cracks have healed, wounds stitched close and this heart glowing a shade shifted from black to gold…

Those hopes and dreams that I once slowly suffocated have somehow been revived. I find myself imagining what a beautifully amazing life we would have…

So please, wait for me. I know that might sound selfish, but I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that I didn’t deserve happiness, success or love because I am the misfit who is too broken. No more…

I don’t know what you’re doing or whose in your life, but I ask you to not give up on me…wait for me…and know that I’m not giving up on you…and that I’m trying to figure out how to get to you…

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time… -3 Doors Down

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, they’ve always got my back and visa-versa…

I am thankful for my friends, they’re always there reminding me to breathe when I’m stressing about my writing. Together for the good times, the crazy times and the adulting in between…

I am thankful for my life, a few times meeting with Grim, but we always parted ways. We have an agreement that I’ll call him when I’m ready to kiss this world goodbye. But, not for a long time, I’ve got things to do…

I am thankful for art, the music saved me and the writing keeps me challenged. Cooking keeps my taste buds happy and movies keep entertaining. Books continue to educate and transport while drums are perfect at releasing stress…

I am thankful for sand and ocean, they’re my therapist, my sanctuary, my home…

I am thankful for these weird twisted dreams, they make for creative written or drawn creations…

I am thankful for the past (every dark moment, bully, surgery, scars, toxic relationship) for it has made my mind sharper, my bones stronger and my heart more selective…

I am thankful for stormy days, they force me to take a break and recharge…

I am thankful for gardens, they hold lessons and life…

I am thankful for the future, it’s unknown identity is exciting…

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Your strange existence in my head is confusing yet sparkling…

I am thankful.

Breaking

These sands are chilled…

This breeze is causing goosebumps to ripple up my neck…

My mind is chaotic, my lungs feel pain when I breathe…

This heart of mine won’t shut up and I swear these dreams will be the death of me…

The stars are hiding behind these incoming rain drenched clouds, these tears trapped behind my stubbornness…

Oceans apart are you and I, our paths never destined to collide…

So, within this crystal blue ocean my eyes search for clearity…

Dear universe, end these thoughts now. Quit pickin’ on me…

in my head there’s only you now, this world falls on me… -3DD

Future Me

Damn girl! How in the world did we survive the hurricane that’s been our life?? “Everything happens for a reason” has aided in the frustration and insanity that’s clouded the path. Music has been the morphine drip numbing the violent vibrations pounding through our mind. Writing has been the escape route taken when running forward, every time we’ve murdered our past. Friends have bandaided small cuts and wounds. Family has been our solid shoulder to shed each black tear, created milestones of happiness and the warm embrace that’s comforted our heart.

This frozen moment is picturesque, strokes of brilliance beautifully framed for all the world to see.

Guarded we remain and that’s ok because the walls represent that trust is a privilege earned not just freely handed out or bought. Our heart is still under lock and key, but that’s ok too because its stitched strength is reserved for the one who deserves its goldenness. Its scars remind us that we will no longer blindly jump into just anyone’s arms. Despite these necessary glitches, we’re doing just fine (no I don’t mean freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional).

I must say that you’ve never looked so beautiful. You’ve become a force that wakes up every morning, ready to take on the day and every curve ball that may be thrown your way. As for the future, I can’t predict what storms may come, I can’t reveal if love with kiss your forehead, I can’t have loose lips if your story will ever be shared with the world. But, I can spill the secret that the pasts ashes will forever reside six feet under, never to darken your starry night.

The only advice that I shall pay you off with is never ever hinder who you are, under any circumstances should you fold. Life only gives you a single game. So, Shuffle the deck…. Grasp the hand you’ve been dealt…. Shut your eyes…. Take a breath…. And play those Aces….

I’m stuck in this moment, freeze the hands of time ’cause I feel inner peace when I’m outta my mind… -Ludacris

Glow

World: “What’s up chica?”

Me:”Same old..”

World: “Liar…You know you’ve lost your ability to lie with those eyes of yours.”

Me: “I know…I used to be the master at hiding behind these hazels of mine. ”

World: “So.. spill it.”

Me: “Shhh, just listen….”

I keep on goin’ back even though it’s me I abuse…rust around the rim, drink it anyway, I cut my lip…I don’t mind at all, lean on my pride, I’m a lion…

Pondering

Pondering…

I ponder about what the symphony of your voice sounds like…

I ponder about the spark Ignited in your eyes…

I ponder about how contagious your laugh may be…

I ponder what it would feel like to lay beside you, feeling the warmth radiate from your body…

I ponder about getting lost in casual and deep conversations with you, the thoughts my shiny penny could purchase from your mind…

I ponder about what inspirations luminate your heart and how fiery your soul is…

I ponder how deep a connection, how deep our love story could be…

I ponder about the life, the family we would create…

I ponder about sitting on the front porch reminiscing down memory lane when we’re 80…

As my heart gets lost within the galaxies high above, I ponder these things about you…

Transmission from the stars, a message from the atmosphere etched into my heart, your purpose there is still unclear… -FIR