Zero

Pain, it’s a sneaky little bugger, a form that can morph from physical to mental with a flip of the switch. Each form delivering varying levels of extensivity. While physical pain is temporary, eventually healing leaving a scar behind as proof of its existence…mental pain is much more sticky as it intertwines itself like symbiote through every brainwave and ventricle of one’s heart. This form of toxicity takes longer to extrude, to process through and hopefully finding that sense of piece in order to move forward.

This past year was nothing short of a battle against myself as I fought to regain my sense of contentment that somehow slipped out from my grip. Feeling like a doormat caused that sense of being drug under into the darkness once again. Feeling as though I wasn’t good enough for, well, anything.

Dealing with a toxic publishing house to deleting toxic “friends”. Moments of pure frustration, to the point of tears being shed. Moments of wondering if my next move would contain waving the white flag. Moments of blocking out the world, staying hidden within these hoodies. Lastly, that moment of peering through the looking glass, wiping away any existing fear and walking through my liquid reflection.

Too long I lived amongst my mental scars, it’s time for a redirection as I finally kiss this black rose, lay it upon this seven feet deep grave and leave behind these chains. Rest in peace Past…

In the last couple of months I have moved forward to new, honest opportunities dealing with writing, I have finished my next manuscript and have once again been bitten by inspiration to begin my first endeavor into the fictional world.

I no longer tell myself that I’m too broken, too damaged for love. Far too long I truly believed that love would never give me a chance, that we’d never coinside. While I am still anxious at the thought of history repeating itself, you never know until you try. Once more, one last jump, that’s all I have left in these bones. Here’s hoping…One day.

Pain..it’s a sneaky annoying life lesson..

A beating heart of stone, you gotta be so cold to make it in this world…Yeah, you’re a natural living your life cutthroat… -Imagine Dragons

From Black to Gold

A while back I told you not to wait for me, that if you met another who made your heart smile then jump…

But, I’m asking you now…please wait for me. Before my heart was still in lockdown mode from a past toxic love, I was still scared at the thought of allowing another to enter my world again. This image of destruction kept invading my mind…

Within the lapsed time that faded away since writing that post, from telling you not to wait for me, something changed inside of my bones. The cracks have healed, wounds stitched close and this heart glowing a shade shifted from black to gold…

Those hopes and dreams that I once slowly suffocated have somehow been revived. I find myself imagining what a beautifully amazing life we would have…

So please, wait for me. I know that might sound selfish, but I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that I didn’t deserve happiness, success or love because I am the misfit who is too broken. No more…

I don’t know what you’re doing or whose in your life, but I ask you to not give up on me…wait for me…and know that I’m not giving up on you…and that I’m trying to figure out how to get to you…

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time… -3 Doors Down

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, they’ve always got my back and visa-versa…

I am thankful for my friends, they’re always there reminding me to breathe when I’m stressing about my writing. Together for the good times, the crazy times and the adulting in between…

I am thankful for my life, a few times meeting with Grim, but we always parted ways. We have an agreement that I’ll call him when I’m ready to kiss this world goodbye. But, not for a long time, I’ve got things to do…

I am thankful for art, the music saved me and the writing keeps me challenged. Cooking keeps my taste buds happy and movies keep entertaining. Books continue to educate and transport while drums are perfect at releasing stress…

I am thankful for sand and ocean, they’re my therapist, my sanctuary, my home…

I am thankful for these weird twisted dreams, they make for creative written or drawn creations…

I am thankful for the past (every dark moment, bully, surgery, scars, toxic relationship) for it has made my mind sharper, my bones stronger and my heart more selective…

I am thankful for stormy days, they force me to take a break and recharge…

I am thankful for gardens, they hold lessons and life…

I am thankful for the future, it’s unknown identity is exciting…

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Your strange existence in my head is confusing yet sparkling…

I am thankful.

Breaking

These sands are chilled…

This breeze is causing goosebumps to ripple up my neck…

My mind is chaotic, my lungs feel pain when I breathe…

This heart of mine won’t shut up and I swear these dreams will be the death of me…

The stars are hiding behind these incoming rain drenched clouds, these tears trapped behind my stubbornness…

Oceans apart are you and I, our paths never destined to collide…

So, within this crystal blue ocean my eyes search for clearity…

Dear universe, end these thoughts now. Quit pickin’ on me…

in my head there’s only you now, this world falls on me… -3DD

More Than a Word

Thankful…this is a word that all too often we don’t express enough, a word that we pull forward with some action during this time of year, but then file it in the back of our minds once the holiday season has come to an end. After the new year has begun we shift back into this state of aggression, we’re back to honking like mad men on the freeway during rush hour traffic…we’re back to complaining that we spent 10 minutes in line to get our coffee or that the price of gas is too high. The fact that you have a car, a job, money to buy that coffee and that gas becomes lost in the chaos of life.

I, myself, have always been a simple chick. Life has thrown me into multiple storms which has led me to always be grateful..not just for surviving the storms, but for the storms themselves. A sense of gratitude, of being thankful for what you have in life, for the people in your life was one of the most important lessons my parents taught me growing up. As I grew older that lesson went beyond having good manners and saying “thank you”, it grew from a word to a realism.

Life is about making it your own and creating so many memories that when you’re an adorably wrinkly 87 year old remenicsing with your partner that you can’t remember every adventure, but you definitely remember that you lived your life. This past year alone I’ve gone to the movies and out to eat with family and friends, I have gone to a couple of concerts, published a book and am close to publishing another, I’ve had adventures at the beach, perused bookstores and of course been at the coffee shops. Every day that I am given, every opportunity that life offers me…I am truly thankful for all of it.

However, that sense of thankfulness runs much deeper when my heart sinks as I witness block after block of homeless men, women, children and Vetrens setting up their makeshift tents for the night down in L.A.. My heart breaks when I see teenagers on street corners with signs asking for food. To know that there are over 100,000 kids in the system, to know that 1 in 4 kids goes without food. This puts knots in my stomach.

See, the fact that you have a place to call home, a car to transport you places or money to purchase necessities and wants isn’t an attachment of life, they’re privileges. The fact that I am sitting on a comfy couch, writing this blog on my laptop while watching Beat Bobby Flay and sipping a coffee are all privileges. The fact that it is 62* outside and I’m surrounded by walls and a roof, dressed in warm clean clothes are privileges. Privileges that I am so grateful for and I wish that everyone had the same… I wish that no one went without a home, clean warm clothes, food, hot water.

Perhaps rush hour traffic, waiting 10 minutes in line or gas prices really aren’t that horrible. Maybe we can work on taking that sense of being thankful beyond November and December, take it into all the 12 months of the year. Maybe we can focus more on having gratitude for the small comforts in life instead of allowing them to be taken for granted. Maybe we can do more to help those less fortunate by donating to a cause, buying a meal for that hungry person on the corner, giving whatever spare change or even a few bucks without judgement, lend a helping hand. Show compassion and kindness towards everyone.

Remember, we are all human and you are no better than anyone else. Money and materialistic gains doesn’t place you on a higher pedestal than the homeless man on the street.

Help a fellow human…human kindness.

Thankful, it’s more than just a word.

Pondering

Pondering…

I ponder about what the symphony of your voice sounds like…

I ponder about the spark Ignited in your eyes…

I ponder about how contagious your laugh may be…

I ponder what it would feel like to lay beside you, feeling the warmth radiate from your body…

I ponder about getting lost in casual and deep conversations with you, the thoughts my shiny penny could purchase from your mind…

I ponder about what inspirations luminate your heart and how fiery your soul is…

I ponder how deep a connection, how deep our love story could be…

I ponder about the life, the family we would create…

I ponder about sitting on the front porch reminiscing down memory lane when we’re 80…

As my heart gets lost within the galaxies high above, I ponder these things about you…

Transmission from the stars, a message from the atmosphere etched into my heart, your purpose there is still unclear… -FIR