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2 in the Morning

They say that if you pay close attention to the universe it actually sends you signs, whether towards your professional path or personal path.

As of lately I have been meditating for 10 minutes a day, mainly as an aid in helping with my anxiety and I’ve taken up Yoga for fitness plus it’s a great stress reliever. See, I’ve been off my personal game and I hate feeling so off.

Career wise I’m moving along at a balanced pace. Recently I did a week long blog tour for Dear You, will be doing a second blog tour in a couple of weeks, but this time it is a month long, I have pretty much finished my latest manuscript and am researching publishers to submit it to. I’ve started dabbling my hand at a fictional novel along with a couple other new opportunities that have come my way. Slowly, but surely the writing gig is growing strong.

My personal game, well I’ll be honest, I’m struggling. I have no queries with myself persay, I know who I am and what I want in life. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and have finally gotten to that beautiful place of inner contentment. It’s been one hell of a journey taken to get to this point, a few storms nearly wiped me out, but I’m still here standing strong and grateful for the whole experience thus far.

And yet, when that infamous 2am hour hits my fears seem to invade my mind and feed off of my deep insecurities.

The other night while sitting on the patio, sippin’ on a cup of “life juice” and soaking in the lyrics to Let You Down by NF, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie as I was getting a bit warm and my attention was drawn to the ink on my right arm. Embedded under my skin is every defining moment of my life, it breaks my heart to know that every one of those defined moments was a storm. However, every storm brings a rainbow. This ink represents both how the world tried to end me and how I survived. This somehow shrinks down when that clock strikes 2.

You want to know where my mind goes at that hour, what that warrior ink temporarily morphs into?

At 2am that ink becomes my demise, I run my left hand across that tatt and wonder if this is actually the reason why I haven’t found love yet. Is this actually my label signifying that I am “damaged” rather than a “warrior”? Will certain traits such as my personality, intelligence, my heart ever count for anything? Or are physical features the only aspect that is priority? If so then I am truly fucked, all because of these scars from those surgeries and a life cursed by a rare disorder. All of which I have zero control over. A life that I never asked for, but took and made it my own.

I’m beginning to wonder if my fate will ever mirror the image of Jack & Sally that’s embedded on my back.

Honestly, real talk here…I’m losing this tight grip I have on my faith in ever finding my missing piece.

See, I’ve been searchin’ for somethin’ out there, when is it comin’? Tell me what to tell myself… -Machine Gun Kelly

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Flaws & All

I wish I could give you the entire world and everything in it…

I wish I could give you an unblemished body, but unfortunately scars have embedded themselves sporadically amongst my freckles and ink…

I wish I could present you with a perfect heart, however a few pieces have gone m.i.a. from relationships past.

I wish you could look into my eyes and not witness the pain that is swirled into them, but like Imagine Dragons warns, “when you feel my heat look into my eye, it’s where my demons hide…”…

I wish I could say that my mind’s image mirrors that of a Disneyland map, but it mirrors more like Halloweentown where dark alleys are tunneled underneath the intelligence and intrigue…

I wish I could tell you that I don’t come equipped with walls that need to be broken down, but I’d be lying…

I wish I could say that my closet is bone free, but open the left door and you’ll see my skeletons neatly organized…

However…

Even storms have rainbows.

This body may be scarred, but it has been through hell and back on more than one occasion, and it still stands strong.

This heart may bare stitches, but it is 100% authentic. This ticker beats hard and loves hard.

These hazel spheres may house a smidge of darkness, but their Christmas lights are beautifully blinding.

This mind may be a second cousin to Pandora, but it sparks with creativity, wit, humor, a dash of sarcasm and a touch of intellectual satisfaction.

These walls are titanium strength, but with a little patience and trust they will eventually collapse like the Great Wall.

And as for those skeletons, well, who doesn’t have a few of those. Coincidentally they’re great as Halloween decor.

I’m not perfect…I’m not always going to say the right words…I will mess up from time to time…but, I will always try…I will always apologize…I will always ride every storm out with you. Every piece that’s left of me I’ll give to you and more importantly, I promise to love you flaws and all.

Without you I feel broke like I’m half of a whole, without you I’ve got no hand to hold, without you I feel torn like a sail in a storm…Without you I’m just a sad song… -We the Kings

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One Star, One Wish, One Song

A cool 66* summer breeze…Jet Pack Blues playing on a loud loop in my Beats by Dre…a smooth oreo mint shake slowly placing my stomach into a coma with every sip…a single star shinning a bit brighter than the others catches my irises…my mind praying a silent pray upon it…

I don’t know what you’re doing at this very moment, perhaps you’re gazing up at the same sky as I am and then again perhaps you’re not. In any case, you know what I wish…

I wish you could hear what my mind continually thinks when it ponders about you…

I wish you feel what my heart feels as it beats these Morse coded lyrics…

I wish our souls were mates meant to be, however, I fear that this is one-sided. I once read that not every soul has a match, they may be yours, but you’re not theirs. I often wonder if this is true…

I wish you were here sitting next to me, that we could become lost in conversation up into the sun rising. Talking about everything and nothing…

While my heart and veins tell me to keep hope alive that one day we will meet, my mind tells me to stop making wishes on far away stars…

She’s singing “baby come home” in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time…-Fall Out Boy

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Lone Wolf

Do you do well being alone…?

I do better being alone, or so I thought. See, after my last relationship I convinced myself that I was meant to be single, that I was better off being alone. I’ll admit that being alone hurts like hell, but I brainwashed myself into believing that this pain in my heart was worth feeling over the pain of another breaking my heart. And honestly, in a twisted way, I was okay with that.

However, a few months ago a friend made a comment that shook my clouded outlook.

“I love you girl, but you need to be told this…you don’t do well alone. I know you’ve convinced yourself that you’re okay solo, but you’re not. You’re someone who is meant to find your better half, to have that cheesy happily ever after love. This whole “lone wolf” road you’re going down is internally killing you.”

Her comment hit kinda hard, but in a positive way. If nothing else I know when I’m wrong, it doesn’t happen too often, but I have no problem admitting it. The fear of taking that vulnerable leap again is what has allowed me to continually trick my mind into believing I was meant to be alone. The self inflicted pain in my heart, well that wasn’t and isn’t as easy to ignore.

Finding that “someone” is scary enough, but to find someone who will love and protect all of you, including the broken pieces, is down right terrifying. Especially if you’ve been twice burned.

All of me believes that my friend is right, but I can’t help but wonder if I missed out on my chance at love due to being that lone wolf.

Better off alone…foolish thinking.

And when I fall to rise with stardust in my eyes
In the backbone of night, I’m combustible
Dust in the fire when I can’t sleep a wink, I’m too tired…-P!ATD

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Betty and Herm

Current time…12:04 am. Sitting in bed as the cool breeze sneaks through the window’s screen, I find myself scrolling through the many photos that were snapped during this last holiday season. Frozen memories with friends and family safely tucked away in the cloud of my phone. Two pictures catch my attention in a “mind blown” kind of way causing a curious smirk to announce itself. One photo is of me with my Great Uncle Herm and the other with my Great Aunt Betty. These are two amazingly kind and wise souls, true salt of the earth humans. They are both getting up there in age, rockin’ the 90’s.

Anytime I talk to my Aunt Betty she tells me that getting old is for the birds.
My Uncle Herm, that man doesn’t age..I swear he looks the same as he did when he was in his 60’s. He’ll tell you that it’s due to coffee, the man loves a good cup of coffee (guess the coffee bean doesn’t fall to far from the tree).

This past New Year’s Eve I was able to visit my Great Aunt and Uncle, which was the best part of my holiday. My family and I spent the week of Christmas in VA and after I spent New Year’s week with my cousins in Maryland. My cuzzbuzz Julie, her oldest son Berk and I hit D.C. for a day of museums and art galleries. On New Year’s eve, we all went to PA to visit my Aunt and Uncle. They are both pretty sick, so visiting them while I was on the east coast was extremely important to me. Food and great conversation, it was the best day. As my cousins and I gathered our coats, as hugs, kisses and goodbyes were exchanged my Aunt looks at me and nearly made me cry with what she said. “With everything you’ve been through, you have become quite a lovely young woman.”Out of every compliment I’ve been given and any future compliment, that one tops them all because she is one of very few people who knows everything that I’ve been through, she is one of the very few that actually knows the unguarded me.

What my Aunt Betty said to me means everything, I am truly honored to be one of her Hunnybunches. My Uncle Herm also gave his wise advice…”Keep causing trouble and stay away from guys, they’re no good.”

life goals

Oh yeah, back to that mind blowing thought, those two amazing humans have been married for 71 years! Holy shit! Talk about an actual life goal. For 71 years those two have created an untouchable life goal filled with family, love and endless memories. You don’t hear of any couple being married for that long these days, heck, these days you’re lucky if your marriage lasts past the first year and why? Honestly, I think that no one wants to ride out storms anymore. You love each other during the golden sunsets, but anytime a storm enters your relationship y’all are way too eager to bail. Part of being in a real, solid relationship is not only holding onto one another during the good times, it’s also about holding onto one another when fighting the storms. With every after calmness of any storm is where you two become stronger.

Falling in love with your partner means falling in love with all of who they are, from the spark in their eyes to the scars hidden underneath the mud. Exchanging those infamous vows, aka promises, means that you’ll always be by their side, within the light…during the darkness and every shade in between.

If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from Betty and Herm Gundrum, it’s that true love means that you never give up on each other. They never gave up and here they are 71 years strong.

I know that we joke about life goals…a concealer that makes you look like you got 8 hours of sleep and had four cups of coffee.. #lifefoal. But, the real life goal is that mind blown kinda love people…71 frickin years, that’s a #lifegoal. I strive to have that kinda love. That’s my life goal.

Both my Great Aunt Betty and Great Uncle Herm have recently passed away. Herm passed April 27th and Betty passed May 6th. As broken as my heart is, the knowledge knowing that they are no longer in pain and are together once again is extremely comforting.

“That ultra kinda love you never walk away from, you’re just the last of the real ones…”

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The Perfect Amount of Doomed

I, since a young girl, have dreamt of one day finding my “Jack”. The missing piece of my heart, the guy whom would accept me, challenge me, make me want to be a better version of myself, someone to create a family with, to create a beautiful life with…that “ride or die” kinda love.

The other half of my soul that would make my heart feel nervous, safe and whole. The one who would cause goosebumps to ripple across my skin, make my breath momentarily seize, make the thunder in my cerebral calm and make my knees weaken with every kiss.

The man that would crack jokes to make my sides hurt from laughter, cause a grin to appear from just the mere sight of him as I think to myself, “Yeah, that’s my guy.”.

The one that would always be by my side, have my back, sit with me in the silence of sadness or grief should those ever hit. The one that will ride through every storm that may hit us.

A dream of finding the one person that I could be all of these for him.

Yet, I have not yet found him, I find myself continually questioning if our paths would ever cross and I think I know why. I am subconsciously dooming myself. See, I was using the excuse that no guy would want a girl who was broken, the girl with the rare disorder, but in actuality I am scared shitless of history repeating itself. While it is difficult to meet someone who is able to look past my disorder and see me for who I truly am, the thought of once again falling for someone who finds pleasure in misleading and hurting my heart makes me shake. I know that not all humans are into playing the villain, but once bitten – twice shy. How do I know the truly good guys from the bad? How do I push past the nerves, fears and angst?

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I may need him more than he needs me one day…

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because of the thought that one day he may cheat on me or become deceitful.

I’ve doomed myself into staying away from love because I have labeled myself as “not beautiful”, “not good enough”, “too broken”.

I have perfectly doomed myself the way only my mind can.

They say that you shouldn’t fear the unknown, yet here I am caught in a game of chicken with it.

If she had the proper words to say she would tell him, but she’d have nothing left to sell him… -Panic! @ The Disco

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3 Days, 3 Quotes: Day 1

I love a good quote, be it lyrical or spoken. I came across this challenge over on The Perks of Being Different blog, loved the theme so I decided to join this trend. I’m not usually a trend follower, but once in a while it’s fun to hop on board.

Today’s quote has been a favorite of mine for a long time, ever since my eyes soaked it in and my heart melted. It is a pretty infamous one…

Out of all the quotes residing within the world of love, this is the most elegant, pure, honest and romantic. In my opinion of course.

What is your favorite love quote?

Until tomorrow… ❤