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Last Wish…

The day is inevitable…the day when my bones breakdown, when my heart stops beating and my lungs intake their last deep oxygenated breath.

Hopefully, old age will be the cause of my death. However, if not then know that my life was well lived before I went forward with this P.A.S..

Here in my Will, the following is stated…

This heart of mine contains deep scars and is stitched together with golden thread, however, it is 100% authentic. My heart goes to my unknown love for it always belonged to him.

This mind of mine is broken, outlined with past scars deeply tucked away and has a thunderstorm that resides in the center cortex, however, it’s creative pulses are glowing and has been known to be a brilliant bulb. My mind goes to the world that drove me.

These bones of mine are slightly cracked from surgeries years ago, however, they are resilient. My bones go to the only place that ever felt like home, the ocean.

Lastly, this soul of mine has seen true blackness and has been near extinction, however, a immortal soul it has always been. My soul goes to the place that made me who I am, California.

I’m a space bound rocketship and your heart’s the moon and I’m aimin’ right at you…250 thousand miles on a clear night in June and I’m aimin’ right at you… -Eminem

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….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

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You’re in my Way

You’re in my way…

My mind is playing games with me, I’m not sure how much longer I can play along…

My thoughts are haulted in the midst of their tracks.

My heart skips triple beats, a distracting Anomaly.

These images of you are conjured up right out of the blue.

I’m trying like hell not to think of you.

I’ve been told that this may be a sign from the universe, I think I’ve gone down the rabbit hole.

I pull these thoughts of you out of my brain, but this fix has only ever been temporary, just when I think your image is gone, you somehow sneak your way back in.

I don’t know what to do…either way…

You’re in my way.

I’ve got dreams of my own, but I wanna make yours come true so please come through… -Fall Out Boy

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2 Months…Holy Shit.

Great title right…I thought so too.

The last two months have been a blurred whirlwind. This dream of becoming a brilliant writer who’s story is shared around the world, who’s story may make a difference in how our society thinks…it’s been a ride to say the least. The current publisher I am with has been next to no help in keeping their part of the contract up, so a decision had to be made.

Two weeks ago as I was washing off the day in the shower, as the vanilla suds washed away I took my five minutes. Five minutes to allow the hot downpour to cancel out the sound of tears streaming down my freckled cheeks. Five minutes to allow the anxiety to fill my head with every self bullying comment to break me down. Five minutes to allow this depressional storm to finish drowning my confidence. And, then in the last few seconds of self destruction, a decision…quit or fight?

Now I excel at many things, however, quitting has never been one of those things. For whatever reason, no matter how deeply I want to quit, I can’t. It’s as if I’m programmed to keep fighting, even in the moments that I want to wave the white flag. Over the years I have learned that this is both a blessing and a giant pain in the ass aspect.

That same night, while getting lost in a carton of Ben & Jerry’s mint cookie ice cream, my mind made its mental list of pros and cons…one definitely out weighing the other.

These next two months, starting from last Sunday to Nov 2nd, will deliver another whirlwind. In these next two months I will be celebrating my baby bros 22nd bday (this Friday). He has gone from a total punk to an amazing man in the last couple of years. I’m so proud of him. My Mom’s and sister’s bdays are also in September, its pretty much bday palooza for the Sabo’s. I myself will be embarking in breaking ties with my current publisher and hopefully finding a new one, a genuine and honest one…fingers crossed. I’ll also be finishing my current manuscript while starting my first fictional story (I’m scared as shit, but also excited). This insane month will end in one word…Epic. As I will be at the Fall Out Boy concert featuring Machine Gun Kelly. I attended the first round of the Mania tour last year so it’s only appropriate that I attend round two.

In October there will be more bdays to celebrate and on the 15th I will go dark, 24 hours of going off of the grid (this day will mark 11 years since my Popee passed). Then Halloween will spook it’s way in. I do love spooks.

Two days after all Hallows day flys in and out will mark my bday. Yep, on November 2nd I will be turning 34…holy shit. It’s not the number that causes me to momentarily stop breathing, it’s the thought of “how have I made it this far?”. From the kid who wasn’t supposed to live past the age of 14 to attempting suicide at the age of 17. At 22 (two weeks before my 23rd bday) I lost my Popee to cancer. That next year I was so angry, sad…I stopped eating and found myself at rock bottom, again. At 26 I met a guy that I thought was “the one” only to realize that I was involved with a villain portraying a nice guy facade. One toxic relationship. At 28 I became sick with Bronchitis, 4 months of constantly praying “kill me now. Seriously, I’m ready”. Then at the age of 29, two months before turning the big 30, I found out that I was sick, to the point of literally baffling the doctors as to how I was still alive. Mind numbing terms were being thrown at me, “heart attack, organs shutting down, transfusions, hospital”. No good news exists before you’ve had your morning coffee. After that appointment, I found myself on the side of the car in a Denny’s parking lot fearing death for the first time in my life.

And here I am, two weeks from that mind numbing day of believing that I was finished…here I am, two months away from out living that original death statistic by 20 years. Like I said…

2 months…holy shit.

If I can live through this, I can do anything… -Fall Out Boy

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Anomaly

Anomoly – something that deviates from the standard

A.k.a. … Me

Last night my heart did something strange, something that slightly freaked me out.

The heart is an amazing muscle. It feeds the body, it feels emotions. The heart is quite the multi-tasker, it maintains the current of blue plasma through the freeway of veins while sending our brains morse coded love notes.

The heart and left ring digit are eternally connected by a single vein, I call that vein Cupid St..

While lying in bed, my mind going over today’s schedule, my ears soaking in the lyrics to Sail, my heart went from a normal rhythm to one hard beat then nothing. At least it felt as though it stopped, seriously. I couldn’t feel it beating in the center of my chest. I couldn’t see it’s pulsating motion. While I could feel my pulse, it’s as though my heart went missing. After a couple of minutes, all was right…the beat was back.

As I sat in bed, my mind began crunching every possibility of what was happening. I know this makes me sound like I’m crazy and I’d agree with you, I was slightly freaked. In the end of analyzing my present situation, my brain came up with one option…possible warning sign of a heart attack, or a weird palpation. I’ve had both, so that automatically becomes the first scenario, the scenario that seems most logical.

So, I lied back down allowed the music to calm this anomoly.

As morning waved hello, I began scrolling through the daily news on my phone. My time to keep up with what’s what in this beautifully chaotic world. An article caught my attention, the cliff notes version…that even though you haven’t met your soulmate yet, your hearts are already connected. Your heart can feel when their heart is happy or broken. While I believe anything is truly possible, I wasn’t quite sold on that article.

However, as the hours of sunlight diminished, my brain couldn’t help but, ponder that curious article. What if soulmates hearts are somehow connected in a way…what if my heart felt a moment of “his” pain. I say pain because that hard beat followed by not feeling anything at all was in no way pleasant.

I don’t know…

Last night was indeed weird….

Quite the anomaly…

I want you forever even when we’re not together… – MGK

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Future Snippet

Here is a snippet, a letter from Dear You. A message to my present and future self. If you wrote a letter to your future self what would you tell yourself? What would you hope for? I hope you’re all having a wonderful night or morning. 🤘💛

**Damn girl! How in the world did we survive the hurricane that’s been our life? “Everything happens for a reason” has aided in the frustration and insanity that’s clouded the path. Music has been the morphine drip numbing the violent vibrations pounding through our mind. Writing has been the escape route taken when running forward every time we’ve murdered our past. Friends have band-aided small cuts and wounds. Family has been our solid shoulder to shed each black tear, created milestones of happiness and the warm embrace that’s comforted our heart. Andhehas been the calm thats silenced the storm within (even though he doesnt know it).

This frozen moment is picturesque, strokes of brilliance beautifully framed for all the world to see.

Guarded we remain and that’s ok because the walls represent that trust is a privilege earned not just freely handed out or bought. Our heart is still under lock and key, but that’s ok too because its stitched strength is reserved for the one who deserves its goldenness. Its scars remind us that we will no longer blindly jump into just anyone’s arms. Despite these necessary glitches, we’re doing just fine (no I don’t mean freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional).

I don’t have the right name or the right looks, but I have twice the heart…”. -Fall Out Boy

30 years young, and I must say that you’ve never looked so beautiful. You’ve become a force that wakes up every morning, ready to take on the day and every curve ball that may be thrown your way. As for the future, I can’t predict what storms may come, I can’t reveal if love will kiss your forehead, I can’t have loose lips if your story will ever be shared with the world (depending on someone’s assistance is a sticky wicket because you’re now counting on someone to have the courage to take a chance on a nobody). But, I can spill the secret that the past’s ashes will forever reside six feet under, never to darken your starry night.

“Burn everything you love then burn the ashes…”

-Fall Out Boy

The only advice that I shall pay you off with is never ever hinder who you are, under any circumstances should you fold. Life only gives you a single game. So, shuffle the deck… Grasp the hand you’ve been dealt… Shut your eyes… Take a breath… And play those Aces…**

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2 in the Morning

They say that if you pay close attention to the universe it actually sends you signs, whether towards your professional path or personal path.

As of lately I have been meditating for 10 minutes a day, mainly as an aid in helping with my anxiety and I’ve taken up Yoga for fitness plus it’s a great stress reliever. See, I’ve been off my personal game and I hate feeling so off.

Career wise I’m moving along at a balanced pace. Recently I did a week long blog tour for Dear You, will be doing a second blog tour in a couple of weeks, but this time it is a month long, I have pretty much finished my latest manuscript and am researching publishers to submit it to. I’ve started dabbling my hand at a fictional novel along with a couple other new opportunities that have come my way. Slowly, but surely the writing gig is growing strong.

My personal game, well I’ll be honest, I’m struggling. I have no queries with myself persay, I know who I am and what I want in life. I’ve rebuilt my confidence and have finally gotten to that beautiful place of inner contentment. It’s been one hell of a journey taken to get to this point, a few storms nearly wiped me out, but I’m still here standing strong and grateful for the whole experience thus far.

And yet, when that infamous 2am hour hits my fears seem to invade my mind and feed off of my deep insecurities.

The other night while sitting on the patio, sippin’ on a cup of “life juice” and soaking in the lyrics to Let You Down by NF, I rolled up the sleeves of my hoodie as I was getting a bit warm and my attention was drawn to the ink on my right arm. Embedded under my skin is every defining moment of my life, it breaks my heart to know that every one of those defined moments was a storm. However, every storm brings a rainbow. This ink represents both how the world tried to end me and how I survived. This somehow shrinks down when that clock strikes 2.

You want to know where my mind goes at that hour, what that warrior ink temporarily morphs into?

At 2am that ink becomes my demise, I run my left hand across that tatt and wonder if this is actually the reason why I haven’t found love yet. Is this actually my label signifying that I am “damaged” rather than a “warrior”? Will certain traits such as my personality, intelligence, my heart ever count for anything? Or are physical features the only aspect that is priority? If so then I am truly fucked, all because of these scars from those surgeries and a life cursed by a rare disorder. All of which I have zero control over. A life that I never asked for, but took and made it my own.

I’m beginning to wonder if my fate will ever mirror the image of Jack & Sally that’s embedded on my back.

Honestly, real talk here…I’m losing this tight grip I have on my faith in ever finding my missing piece.

See, I’ve been searchin’ for somethin’ out there, when is it comin’? Tell me what to tell myself… -Machine Gun Kelly