blog, blogger, dreams, life, love, music, relationships, Uncategorized, writer, writing

If I Die Before We Meet

Hey Handsome, how is life and the life-like zombies that roam been treating you? So, I know that we haven’t yet met, but I find myself thinking about you. Moments of golden silence cause my daydreaming mind to imagine what you may look like, imagine what your voice may sound like.

A three minute and eight second daydream teleports my mind into wondering what it would feel like to allow my personal walls to shut down or even become completely demolished. To be able to be myself without feeling suffocated by the thoughts of another’s evil plot to destroy my human heart and mechanical mind.

Moments flash on and off of becoming lost in the therapeutic waves crashing against the warm sun-setting sands. My glance is temporarily captured by couples of both young and wise love, holding hands in deep conversation. Will that couple ever be you and I?

Hold on my dear, I’m coming home. Don’t let your fears take control… -Falling in Reverse

In a moment of nerding out over the newest Fast and Furious movie or rocking out to the newest single from The Chainsmokers, I wonder what movies or music make you nerd out and rock out. Stopping by the local coffee shop or eating out at a favorite restaurant, the sounds of families creating infinite memories tugs at my heart strings. I ponder if one day I will have the honor of looking into your eyes as my lips speak those two life-changing words. A future filled with tiny feet sliding down the hallway at 6 am. Saturday morning pancakes and cartoons.

Endless memories created at the beach with soaked adventures, bonfires and way too many s’mores. Hands up in the air screams escaping excited mouths as we rocket through Space Mountain. Spooky times had and ghostly friends made at The Haunted Mansion and a “Yo-Ho” sing along with Jack Sparrow and all of the other Pirates of the Caribbean.

In the three am silence I wonder if this violent quiet would feel less malicious in the arms of your protective embrace. I wonder if my brain would slow down from speeds of a million miles per minute to possibly half a million miles per minute. That perhaps my heart would finally feel at ease and the scars that it’s punctured with would pulsate less.

Home is such a lonely place without you… -Blink 182

Question… Do you by any chance morph into a grown kid when the holidays roll in? Do you love a good scare in October? Do you enjoy the gathering of family and friends around a table filled with Thanksgiving traditions in November? Do you feel the snow covered magic of snuggling up on the couch with a mug of peppermint hot cocoa while watching Christmas classics like Home Alone and Die Hard by the glow of Christmas lights?

These are future snippets that I ponder from time to time. I don’t know who you are or where you reside. I don’t know what makes your heart beat or what thoughts I could purchase from your mind with my shiny penny. I do, however, know that when we eventually meet, the magnetic force will be undeniably electric.

However, if I should die before we meet, please know this… I have loved you from first thought.

art, blog, blogger, creative writing, culture, dreams, fears, life, love, music, relationships, Uncategorized, writer, writing

Kalopsia 

2017…last year was a whirlwind, my mind was fixated on my writing while my heart was beginning to feel anxious in its emptiness. These walls of mine are high and deeply cemented, however, every now and then this heartbeat would loudly skip a step. I found myself pondering the possibilities of “getting back out there”, of allowing myself to bring down my walls a bit. Those thoughts scared the shit out my mind. 

I am not one who fears much, this life I was given requires a certain toughness,  so unless I’m ever locked in a room full of clowns or porcelain dolls,  not much gets to me. That changed some years ago though, a relationship gone very wrong manipulated my mind into adding love to my short list of what causes my axiety riddled gremlins to run a muck. As much as I have tried to no longer fear love, that curse has not yet been reversed. 

Not sure if it’s love itself that jolts my mind or if the fear lies in with going through the process of placing my trust in another human’s hands. I can handle the pain I bring to myself, my pain tolerance is concerningly high, but to trust another man with my heart, that pain is unknown if they decide to break it. Either way, the thought of lightening striking twice in a reoccurring spot is numbing. 

The balance between starting my career and becoming reacquainted with love was unsteady to say the least. These days, love isn’t real love, it’s casual hookups and non commitment relationships.  I’m not like that, I don’t know how to do that. It’s high school all over again, I just don’t fit in.

It’s now 2018, holy shit last year went by in a blink. I’ve decided to let my dream of finding love go, as much as I can. I’ll never be able to let it die 100%, my heart won’t allow me too, but what I can let go of I am…I have to. I can no longer live in the endless emptiness that rabbit holes down the center of this scarred ticker of mine. I can’t be distracted on a constant with these “happily ever after” dreams…It’s starting to hurt too damn much, a pain I don’t want to live in anymore. So I’ve made a decision to allow my mind full use of the mic as I silence my heart. My attention will be 100% fixated on my writing via books and blogs. I’m now focused on building my brand, my name. 

Do I sound delusional? Probably…but I think I need to live in my delusion for the time being.

 “Never looking back and we’re never getting old…Cause the skies are black but our hearts made of gold…Fuck doing what you’re told…We’re going nowhere fast…” -Eminem 

anxiety, blog, blogger, creative writing, depression, doubts, dreams, fears, life, mental health, music, pictures, quotes, relationships, Uncategorized, writer, writing

Drowning Beautifully

You entered my dreams last night, a very unwelcome visitor is what you portrayed. My family, friends and kind strangers haven’t been a component of my twisted dreams for a few months now and that’s how I intend to keep it. But, last night…there you were in all of your manipulating charm. Those deceiving eyes matching that damned grin on your smug face. First subconscious glimpse of you brought a tight knot in the center of my gut while every bolt reinforced throughout my walls.

Alone, sitting in the center of my woods…a perfectly gloomy fog hovered over a slightly frozen breeze. Under my favorite tree I sat, notebook and pen in hand, headphones vibrating Home by Eminem and hood covering my spinning head as a subtly mysterious mist swirled through these childhood woods. Once a place I feared now feels more like home than reality.

In a bubble of contentment I sat, black scribbles spilling out on those blue lines, Crashed inspiration lighting every bulb in this mechanical mind of mine. This dream was the best I had had in a very long time. No monsters from under my bed…no blue plasma dripping out from past scars…no looped inception or golden hearts to guard. Just me, my scars and therapeutic lyrics. That was until you…..

Every time I feel as though every piece of me is exempt from every piece of you an unwanted memory seeps into my world. A message here, a message there….all I want is you to permanently vanish. Hell, as bad as this sounds, I wish you’d just find another woman to ruin. It has been seven years come May since I escaped your toxic grip, a place I’ll never return to.

I do not yet know why you entered my subliminal world, but you best leave. This warning isn’t to allow you a chance to find safety, this is me not wanting to transform into that past unfamiliar shape I was when I was in your company. My woods have been calm chaos, do not cause a shift in my contentment. Please leave and take this knot in my stomach and toxic blood in my veins with you.

It has been some time since I’ve woken in a shaken cold sweat.

This is my world…You’re no longer welcome.

“I’m dying to breathe and all you do is strangle me…” _Eminem ft. Skylar Grey

darkforest_by_discurrere

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Challenge Accepted 

So with the new year in full force mode I have decided to make a few goals, personal and career. While we begin 2018 with a fresh blank page. I still want to keep up on exercises that improve and maintain my writing skills. On Pinterest I found a 30 day writing challenge. Some blogs will be posted here on WordPress and others will be posted on my Society Rebel page. The topics listed for this challenge seem very positive. Which I was drawn to. My writing style lately has been more or less on the dim side, I figured that this tiny side journey might brighten things up.

First challenge is to list 10 things that make you happy…

– First and foremost, my family is my everything. These golden hearted humans keep my contentment in tact. Like Dom, I ain’t got friends..I’ve got family.

– A pen and notebook…These two vessels allow me an actual voice amongst a world of white static. My lips may not always obtain the capability of conveying the thoughts thundering in my head, but my jet black inked pen never fails.

– Music…there are moments where this ticking ticker of mine need those therapeutic drum beats to calm it’s scars. There are moments where my mechanical mind need those quickly spun lyrics to aid in silencing my screaming thoughts. Lastly, there are those moments where a combo deal is all i need to soothe my questioning soul.

– Coffee…I know what you’re thinking, but don’t assume. A delicious cup of latte goodness lowers the speed of my spinning mind so that I may focus on whatever task is on my laptop. Caffeine reverses my anxiety, relaxes my insomnia.

-Beach…I could spit out an entire piece about how sand, ocean and a bonfire sunset temporarily makes my whole being feel belonged…oh wait, I did. Santa Monica.

-Thunderstorms and Rain…I am one of those odd humans that indulges in a perfectly gloomy day. 

-Books…a way of escaping my world and transporting into someone else’s. 

-Unknown…the fuzzy dreams and the blurred image of a future love ignites a comforting feeling.

-Freshness…This may sound crazy, but I love fresh sheets on my bed, fresh towels hanging up in my bathroom and fresh blankets to snuggle up with.

-Puppies…pretty self explanatory. 

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and that 2018 opens many dream filled opportunities for you. 

Love always, D

art, blog, creative writing, depression, dreams, family, life, mental health, music, suicide, Uncategorized, writer, writing

Frozen Waves

We’re Broken People… -TOP

Photo box.. I have a photo box filled a few nick-nacks (i.e. i.d. bracelet worn as a kid, my 5th generation U2 ipod and a guardian angel necklace given to me by my great Aunt) and a grip of photos of my past. A true time capsule containing the best times and the worst times. These framed memories have me losing myself down memory lane. Reminiscing holidays, birthday parties, graduations, surgeries, school events and daily insanity. Every moment captured in these hand held capsules. A happy grin has slipped onto my face along with spouts of laughter. Between my siblings and I, we we’re all adorable chaos instigators. Truly never a dull moment at the Sabo house.

I heard that pictures don’t change, just the people inside of ’em do… -NF

Mixed into this beautiful stack of frozen photos, these frozen waves, are captured moments were my smile seems genuine, but is actually just a frustrated frown turned upside down. My teenage self was a bullied soul who was losing her way. Looking at my younger image I can see it now. I can see how fast I was slipping. I can now see the pain hidden behind that fake smile, the retracted tears hidden deep in those hazel eyes and the fresh bleeding wounds pre scarring stage within that beautiful mind. I can see every suicidal crack.

Looking at these frozen photos has rippled a few tears down my cheeks. These tears are no longer painful or regretful, but joyful in a sense. These few tears are tiny drops of inspiration. Looking back then and now looking at my present reflection in the mirror causes one single thought to swirl through my scarred cerebral… “Damn, I survived. I’m still here.”

I am passing along a Double Dare to all of you… No matter what you’ve gone through, take the simple fact that you’re still here as a huge accomplishment. No matter what you may currently be going through, know this, you will survive. You will push through the dark and find that light at the end of the tunnel. You have an unknown strength that will keep you going. Never give up. We all have a purpose and it’s never too late to find it and make it a reality. This thing we call life isn’t easy, by any means. But, it’s so worth living every minute of it, even those gnawing bad minutes. Our past makes us strong for our future.

One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even they weren’t so great… -FOB

Carreau2209

blog, creative writing, dreams, life, love, Uncategorized, writer, writing

Thirty-Three

The thirteenth hour has arrived…I’m finding it challenging writing this post. See, I don’t usually write out what I want to blog about, I just sit at my laptop and allow the words to flow in their raw and unformatted form. Pure thoughts fresh from the cerebral, unfiltered. However, tonight I am finding this blog a bit challenging, not because of writer’s block, but because the thoughts I’d like to share consist of placing myself behind the x-ray screen so that I could see just how deep these scars of mine run.

Over the last several months I have been caught in a suspended slumber induced decision of which item to choose, a 22 glock or a Louisville slugger. Over the past few months my mind has been is a constant fidgeted spin, distracted and dizzying. I had hoped that these unconscious subconscious matters would have figured themselves out, they have not. I am mentally exhausted and can no longer indulge these beautiful false fantasies. So, I am taking matters into my own hands, I am doing what needs to done, what should’ve been done a long time ago. The 22 glock will take the win, the bullet will fire and a clean slate will be bought.

Sometimes you have to silence your mind in order to allow your heart a moment in the spotlight. These two organs don’t always reside on the same page and most of the time the mind prefers to boom its voice over the heart’s. I, however, have decided to silence my heart’s mic for a while and simply focus on my life. I need a break from the pain that tends to attach itself to hopes and dreams. My countdown clock is ticking away as though it were a megaphone that was built inside my eardrum. I know that I ponder about death more than I should, but when it has been a factor slapped in your face since you entered this world you tend to find a fascination within it so that it isn’t so damn depressing. Death, in a weird way, inspires me. It kind of always has. I get a kick out of how I am still here, how I have given death the finger a few times. No one knows when their clock will tick it’s final tock, but to know that my time has well been up and here I still stand gives my veins a little rush of adrenaline.

And if I must go and die at 27, then at least I know I died a legend. Now will you roll and ride like we’re together and keep the vibe alive inside forever… -MGK

With that being said, if I were to die tomorrow, if this was the last sunset my eyes soaked in, if these were the last breaths my lungs were going to intake then I am ok with that. There are so many more moments that I’d like to add to my journey, my heart wants to experience a true honest love more than anything and having a family of my own is the main thought residing within the storm in the center of my mind, but one can only outrun Grim for so long.

So, if tonight is the last 10:10pm wish I’ll get to make then I’m going to make it count. Firstly, I dedicate part of this wish to all of you single hearts out there searching for your missing piece. Don’t give up, I know there are times of hopelessness, moments of tearful doubt, but keep searching. The best moment in your life will be finding your King or Queen, don’t lose that moment to fear. Secondly, whenever I do depart from this world, I hope that you remember the moments when I was at my best. I hope you remember that my shoulder was always there for you to lean on…that I could get you to crack a smile in that moment you felt upset in…that my ears were yours when you needed to vent and that my presence was right beside you in the moments when you needed silence… I want you to remember every golden memory that brings a smile to your face.
Today marks the ending of chapter thirty-two as chapter thirty-three begins. Here’s to new adventures and new dreams.

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Sandcastle

Now I don’t know about you, but for me the beach is my sanctuary. It is the one place on this planet where the storm within calms and every scar temporarily vanishes. Every crack is filled with gold, once again I feel completely whole. 

From sunrise to well after sunset my soul soaks in sand and ocean. As the bonfire sparks spiral up into the black star studded sky, my ears concentrate on the crashing waves allowing my lungs to breathe.

Tonight my body is in beach mode, however my mind remains in the real world, distracted and conflicted. 

I feel like a sandcastle that is one wave away from being washed away.

They say it’s what you make, I say its up to fate… -Imagine Dragons