If I Die Before We Meet

Hey Handsome, how is life and the life-like zombies that roam been treating you? So, I know that we haven’t yet met, but I find myself thinking about you. Moments of golden silence cause my daydreaming mind to imagine what you may look like, imagine what your voice may sound like.

A three minute and eight second daydream teleports my mind into wondering what it would feel like to allow my personal walls to shut down or even become completely demolished. To be able to be myself without feeling suffocated by the thoughts of another’s evil plot to destroy my human heart and mechanical mind.

Moments flash on and off of becoming lost in the therapeutic waves crashing against the warm sun-setting sands. My glance is temporarily captured by couples of both young and wise love, holding hands in deep conversation. Will that couple ever be you and I?

Hold on my dear, I’m coming home. Don’t let your fears take control… -Falling in Reverse

In a moment of nerding out over the newest Fast and Furious movie or rocking out to the newest single from The Chainsmokers, I wonder what movies or music make you nerd out and rock out. Stopping by the local coffee shop or eating out at a favorite restaurant, the sounds of families creating infinite memories tugs at my heart strings. I ponder if one day I will have the honor of looking into your eyes as my lips speak those two life-changing words. A future filled with tiny feet sliding down the hallway at 6 am. Saturday morning pancakes and cartoons.

Endless memories created at the beach with soaked adventures, bonfires and way too many s’mores. Hands up in the air screams escaping excited mouths as we rocket through Space Mountain. Spooky times had and ghostly friends made at The Haunted Mansion and a “Yo-Ho” sing along with Jack Sparrow and all of the other Pirates of the Caribbean.

In the three am silence I wonder if this violent quiet would feel less malicious in the arms of your protective embrace. I wonder if my brain would slow down from speeds of a million miles per minute to possibly half a million miles per minute. That perhaps my heart would finally feel at ease and the scars that it’s punctured with would pulsate less.

Home is such a lonely place without you… -Blink 182

Question… Do you by any chance morph into a grown kid when the holidays roll in? Do you love a good scare in October? Do you enjoy the gathering of family and friends around a table filled with Thanksgiving traditions in November? Do you feel the snow covered magic of snuggling up on the couch with a mug of peppermint hot cocoa while watching Christmas classics like Home Alone and Die Hard by the glow of Christmas lights?

These are future snippets that I ponder from time to time. I don’t know who you are or where you reside. I don’t know what makes your heart beat or what thoughts I could purchase from your mind with my shiny penny. I do, however, know that when we eventually meet, the magnetic force will be undeniably electric.

However, if I should die before we meet, please know this… I have loved you from first thought.

Kalopsia 

2017…last year was a whirlwind, my mind was fixated on my writing while my heart was beginning to feel anxious in its emptiness. These walls of mine are high and deeply cemented, however, every now and then this heartbeat would loudly skip a step. I found myself pondering the possibilities of “getting back out there”, of allowing myself to bring down my walls a bit. Those thoughts scared the shit out my mind. 

I am not one who fears much, this life I was given requires a certain toughness,  so unless I’m ever locked in a room full of clowns or porcelain dolls,  not much gets to me. That changed some years ago though, a relationship gone very wrong manipulated my mind into adding love to my short list of what causes my axiety riddled gremlins to run a muck. As much as I have tried to no longer fear love, that curse has not yet been reversed. 

Not sure if it’s love itself that jolts my mind or if the fear lies in with going through the process of placing my trust in another human’s hands. I can handle the pain I bring to myself, my pain tolerance is concerningly high, but to trust another man with my heart, that pain is unknown if they decide to break it. Either way, the thought of lightening striking twice in a reoccurring spot is numbing. 

The balance between starting my career and becoming reacquainted with love was unsteady to say the least. These days, love isn’t real love, it’s casual hookups and non commitment relationships.  I’m not like that, I don’t know how to do that. It’s high school all over again, I just don’t fit in.

It’s now 2018, holy shit last year went by in a blink. I’ve decided to let my dream of finding love go, as much as I can. I’ll never be able to let it die 100%, my heart won’t allow me too, but what I can let go of I am…I have to. I can no longer live in the endless emptiness that rabbit holes down the center of this scarred ticker of mine. I can’t be distracted on a constant with these “happily ever after” dreams…It’s starting to hurt too damn much, a pain I don’t want to live in anymore. So I’ve made a decision to allow my mind full use of the mic as I silence my heart. My attention will be 100% fixated on my writing via books and blogs. I’m now focused on building my brand, my name. 

Do I sound delusional? Probably…but I think I need to live in my delusion for the time being.

 “Never looking back and we’re never getting old…Cause the skies are black but our hearts made of gold…Fuck doing what you’re told…We’re going nowhere fast…” -Eminem 

Drowning Beautifully

You entered my dreams last night, a very unwelcome visitor is what you portrayed. My family, friends and kind strangers haven’t been a component of my twisted dreams for a few months now and that’s how I intend to keep it. But, last night…there you were in all of your manipulating charm. Those deceiving eyes matching that damned grin on your smug face. First subconscious glimpse of you brought a tight knot in the center of my gut while every bolt reinforced throughout my walls.

Alone, sitting in the center of my woods…a perfectly gloomy fog hovered over a slightly frozen breeze. Under my favorite tree I sat, notebook and pen in hand, headphones vibrating Home by Eminem and hood covering my spinning head as a subtly mysterious mist swirled through these childhood woods. Once a place I feared now feels more like home than reality.

In a bubble of contentment I sat, black scribbles spilling out on those blue lines, Crashed inspiration lighting every bulb in this mechanical mind of mine. This dream was the best I had had in a very long time. No monsters from under my bed…no blue plasma dripping out from past scars…no looped inception or golden hearts to guard. Just me, my scars and therapeutic lyrics. That was until you…..

Every time I feel as though every piece of me is exempt from every piece of you an unwanted memory seeps into my world. A message here, a message there….all I want is you to permanently vanish. Hell, as bad as this sounds, I wish you’d just find another woman to ruin. It has been seven years come May since I escaped your toxic grip, a place I’ll never return to.

I do not yet know why you entered my subliminal world, but you best leave. This warning isn’t to allow you a chance to find safety, this is me not wanting to transform into that past unfamiliar shape I was when I was in your company. My woods have been calm chaos, do not cause a shift in my contentment. Please leave and take this knot in my stomach and toxic blood in my veins with you.

It has been some time since I’ve woken in a shaken cold sweat.

This is my world…You’re no longer welcome.

“I’m dying to breathe and all you do is strangle me…” _Eminem ft. Skylar Grey

darkforest_by_discurrere

Challenge Accepted 

So with the new year in full force mode I have decided to make a few goals, personal and career. While we begin 2018 with a fresh blank page. I still want to keep up on exercises that improve and maintain my writing skills. On Pinterest I found a 30 day writing challenge. Some blogs will be posted here on WordPress and others will be posted on my Society Rebel page. The topics listed for this challenge seem very positive. Which I was drawn to. My writing style lately has been more or less on the dim side, I figured that this tiny side journey might brighten things up.

First challenge is to list 10 things that make you happy…

– First and foremost, my family is my everything. These golden hearted humans keep my contentment in tact. Like Dom, I ain’t got friends..I’ve got family.

– A pen and notebook…These two vessels allow me an actual voice amongst a world of white static. My lips may not always obtain the capability of conveying the thoughts thundering in my head, but my jet black inked pen never fails.

– Music…there are moments where this ticking ticker of mine need those therapeutic drum beats to calm it’s scars. There are moments where my mechanical mind need those quickly spun lyrics to aid in silencing my screaming thoughts. Lastly, there are those moments where a combo deal is all i need to soothe my questioning soul.

– Coffee…I know what you’re thinking, but don’t assume. A delicious cup of latte goodness lowers the speed of my spinning mind so that I may focus on whatever task is on my laptop. Caffeine reverses my anxiety, relaxes my insomnia.

-Beach…I could spit out an entire piece about how sand, ocean and a bonfire sunset temporarily makes my whole being feel belonged…oh wait, I did. Santa Monica.

-Thunderstorms and Rain…I am one of those odd humans that indulges in a perfectly gloomy day. 

-Books…a way of escaping my world and transporting into someone else’s. 

-Unknown…the fuzzy dreams and the blurred image of a future love ignites a comforting feeling.

-Freshness…This may sound crazy, but I love fresh sheets on my bed, fresh towels hanging up in my bathroom and fresh blankets to snuggle up with.

-Puppies…pretty self explanatory. 

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and that 2018 opens many dream filled opportunities for you. 

Love always, D

Frozen Waves

We’re Broken People… -TOP

Photo box.. I have a photo box filled a few nick-nacks (i.e. i.d. bracelet worn as a kid, my 5th generation U2 ipod and a guardian angel necklace given to me by my great Aunt) and a grip of photos of my past. A true time capsule containing the best times and the worst times. These framed memories have me losing myself down memory lane. Reminiscing holidays, birthday parties, graduations, surgeries, school events and daily insanity. Every moment captured in these hand held capsules. A happy grin has slipped onto my face along with spouts of laughter. Between my siblings and I, we we’re all adorable chaos instigators. Truly never a dull moment at the Sabo house.

I heard that pictures don’t change, just the people inside of ’em do… -NF

Mixed into this beautiful stack of frozen photos, these frozen waves, are captured moments were my smile seems genuine, but is actually just a frustrated frown turned upside down. My teenage self was a bullied soul who was losing her way. Looking at my younger image I can see it now. I can see how fast I was slipping. I can now see the pain hidden behind that fake smile, the retracted tears hidden deep in those hazel eyes and the fresh bleeding wounds pre scarring stage within that beautiful mind. I can see every suicidal crack.

Looking at these frozen photos has rippled a few tears down my cheeks. These tears are no longer painful or regretful, but joyful in a sense. These few tears are tiny drops of inspiration. Looking back then and now looking at my present reflection in the mirror causes one single thought to swirl through my scarred cerebral… “Damn, I survived. I’m still here.”

I am passing along a Double Dare to all of you… No matter what you’ve gone through, take the simple fact that you’re still here as a huge accomplishment. No matter what you may currently be going through, know this, you will survive. You will push through the dark and find that light at the end of the tunnel. You have an unknown strength that will keep you going. Never give up. We all have a purpose and it’s never too late to find it and make it a reality. This thing we call life isn’t easy, by any means. But, it’s so worth living every minute of it, even those gnawing bad minutes. Our past makes us strong for our future.

One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even they weren’t so great… -FOB

Carreau2209

Sandcastle

Now I don’t know about you, but for me the beach is my sanctuary. It is the one place on this planet where the storm within calms and every scar temporarily vanishes. Every crack is filled with gold, once again I feel completely whole. 

From sunrise to well after sunset my soul soaks in sand and ocean. As the bonfire sparks spiral up into the black star studded sky, my ears concentrate on the crashing waves allowing my lungs to breathe.

Tonight my body is in beach mode, however my mind remains in the real world, distracted and conflicted. 

I feel like a sandcastle that is one wave away from being washed away.

They say it’s what you make, I say its up to fate… -Imagine Dragons

California Midnight Sky

I have these thoughts racing through my mind like it’s the Indy 500. 

In the middle of the this half-baked piece I find myself inching a little further inside my mind than I’d like. Still within the safety zone, but tempting the dark. I knew this piece would require going to that place, I knew that slicing open that scar would sting like hell. But, in order to slay this demon of mine I must perform a little surgery. I’ve rewritten Mystikx  seven times, this piece might be the death of me, but it’s a necessary piece to the new puzzle I’m currently writing.

A break is most definitely needed though. I need to step outside of my head, I need some fresh air, I need some answers. So, outside I venture to. This California midnight sky is gorgeous and the chilly air is calming. For a moment I think of you *****, your name I keep secret, if you knew, I wouldn’t know what to do. Your image remains in my dream and I still find myself trying to decide between the glock or the bat. Your handsome image keeps me sane amongst the insanity.

You are surrounding all my surroundings, sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain. You are surrounding all my surroundings, twisting the kaleidescope behind both of my eyes… – Twenty One Pilots

There’s something I want to say, something I need to say, however these racing thoughts won’t slow their speed. So I will allow this simple quote to speak for me. 
I hope this finds you *****, and anyone else who needs it.