Yes, I’m Stubborn

World: “Mmm, what smells so good?”

Me: “Oh, I made Greek chicken with rice, want some?.”

World: “Please and thank you. So, while you serve up that deliciousness let’s talk..”

Me: “About….?”

World: “You know what. While you’re focusing on your career, you’re continuing to avoid the fact that this lone wolf life you’ve chosen to live these last few years is silently killing your heart.”

Me: “Yeah well, my heart doesn’t always know what’s best for it, so I have to continue to protect it.”

World: “Firstly, your heart always knows what’s best, you just keep shutting it up. And what about your dreams, still ignoring them..?”

Me: “Agree to disagree on that and yes, they’re just dreams. They don’t mean anything.”

World: “Stubborn much..”

Me: “Dude, it’s been a long day, I really just want to eat and relax tonight. What do you want from me?”

World: “I want you to admit that you’re scared to put your heart out there. I want you to admit that you believe in true love. I want you to take a leap of faith and pay attention to your dreams and I want you to please write down the recipe for this chicken!”

Me: “No….No….No…and sure, I’ll jot down the recipe for you.”

World: “You’re stubbornness is astounding. I can’t wait to give you the “I told you” speech when love smashes into your life.”

Me: “Mhmmmm, sure. I look forward to your lovely speech.”

World: “So, what are we watching tonight?”

Me: “A Million Little Things.”

World: “I love that show! Wait…you’re watching a make you feel all the feels show…”

Me: “Shut up…”

the universe an empty place without you… -Blink 182

Neon Shades

Writing by the glow of Christmas lights gleaming from the tree, these once again inspired thoughts are streaming while my ears are entertained by Spotify’s Christmas playlist. The caffeine from this iced macchiato keeps the frame of my mental focus level as I type away, placing a few new pieces on this current project before sealing it off (like Mr. King said, a book is never complete.).

Too much time has passed with that uninspired cloud looming over my head, too much pain has resided in my chest from that anxiety filled gremlin. For the first time in weeks my lungs can actually breathe easily, my cerebral is beginning to see the neon shades splattered within this world again.

As inspired and focused as my mind is, this stubborn heart won’t let go of your handsome image. Out of blue your name rings in my eardrums as your face conjures itself in my mind, temporarily interrupting my train of thought. All from the next song Spotify chose to play. A smile sneaks it’s way onto my face, this happens anytime I think of you, anytime you pop into my dreams.

I still am not able to figure out why this happens, I’m still not able to tell you any of this. So, I write about it. I don’t know if your eyes ever come across these blogs of mine and if they do I don’t even know if you’d know that they’re about you. All I can say for sure is that I’ll remain living in the unknown.

Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you… -Michael BublĂŠ

Just Hold On

Dear D,

Ok girl, it’s the future you writing this letter…

Look, I know that this past year has been a rollercoaster ride and you’ve had many moments where you’ve questioned yourself. I also know that your doubts have recently been ganging up on your mind. So, here I am with a few inspiring thoughts to share.

You, my dear, have come a long way in the last few years. Hell, you’ve battled so many storms throughout your existence, you have definitely earned the title of warrior. I seriously don’t know how you’ve made it this far or where all your inner resilience comes from. I sense though that you are becoming mentally exhausted, I see you sitting on the edge peering forward as you’re getting lost in those thoughts. I hear those questions thumping in your mind and I can feel the weariness of your heart.

Give me strength, give me peace… -Imagine Dragons

I want you to know that everything you’ve ever truly wanted in life will come true. I know as you read this that you’ll shake your head in disbelief, but it’s true.

Your mind will find the fulfillment it dreams of career wise. Those goals you have jotted down in that notebook are closer to becoming a reality than you think.

Your heart will find true love. That ultra kind of love that you have only been dreaming of is in the works. You’ll have that imperfect happily ever after and he won’t hurt you the way past relationships have. He won’t he the villain to use your insecurities and tear you down, he’ll be your Jumpsuit who protects you and your heart. You’ll both create an amazing life with one another and have a beautiful family.

I feel your exhaustion, but I need you to hold on…please. With every glance downward your eyes make my heart skips a beat. However, I know you’ll hold on, that you won’t give up because of the promise you made. I know that the 17 embedded under your skin keeps you going. I just worry.

I can see you slightly losing sight if the horizon, keep your head baby girl. Don’t get lost within the fog, you can’t crash. Hold on…please.

I know you won’t believe my words, but you are strong and frickin amazing!

Don’t let go…just hold on, ok.

Don’t burn out on me… -Imagine Dragons

Myocardium Madness

I can hear it again, my heart beat vibrating into my right eardrum…

As crazy as that sounds, it’s also worrying…

These thumps so vivid that only numbing lyrics can temporarily snuff out the pulsating sound…

I’ve been in this place once upon a time ago, I just hope the results aren’t the same…

Only during the ambient hours of midnight black does this beating heart travel up into my ear, it silences itself during awaken hours of sunrays…

No pain is stabbing my chest or head, so I’m good. No numbness running up my left arm, so I’m good. No dizziness or shortness of breath, so I’m good. These bones are titanium strong, so I’m good. This body and all of it’s interworkings are so healthy that it’s sickening 😉 so I’m good.

So, why this again? What’s the meaning…?

My eyes keep searching for an answer as to why this ticker is beating so loudly, this morse coded message it’s trying to send, but the popcorn ceiling isn’t revealing anything…

You will never be able to escape from your heart, so it is better to listen to what it has to say… -Paulo Coelho

Hey You, Yeah You

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed…

Why wait for the perfect time to say what’s on your mind, to say what’s in your heart when “perfect timing” doesn’t exist…

Why wait to begin checking off your bucket list, to live your best life…

Why wait to build your passion into a career, to embed your mark into this world…

Why wait to take a deep breath and jump, to take a chance…

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed…

So, speak loudly and lovingly…go big and bright.

I find it hard to say the things I want to say the most, find a little bit of steady as I get close, find a balance in the middle of the chaos… -Imagine Dragons

From Black to Gold

A while back I told you not to wait for me, that if you met another who made your heart smile then jump…

But, I’m asking you now…please wait for me. Before my heart was still in lockdown mode from a past toxic love, I was still scared at the thought of allowing another to enter my world again. This image of destruction kept invading my mind…

Within the lapsed time that faded away since writing that post, from telling you not to wait for me, something changed inside of my bones. The cracks have healed, wounds stitched close and this heart glowing a shade shifted from black to gold…

Those hopes and dreams that I once slowly suffocated have somehow been revived. I find myself imagining what a beautifully amazing life we would have…

So please, wait for me. I know that might sound selfish, but I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that I didn’t deserve happiness, success or love because I am the misfit who is too broken. No more…

I don’t know what you’re doing or whose in your life, but I ask you to not give up on me…wait for me…and know that I’m not giving up on you…and that I’m trying to figure out how to get to you…

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time… -3 Doors Down

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, they’ve always got my back and visa-versa…

I am thankful for my friends, they’re always there reminding me to breathe when I’m stressing about my writing. Together for the good times, the crazy times and the adulting in between…

I am thankful for my life, a few times meeting with Grim, but we always parted ways. We have an agreement that I’ll call him when I’m ready to kiss this world goodbye. But, not for a long time, I’ve got things to do…

I am thankful for art, the music saved me and the writing keeps me challenged. Cooking keeps my taste buds happy and movies keep entertaining. Books continue to educate and transport while drums are perfect at releasing stress…

I am thankful for sand and ocean, they’re my therapist, my sanctuary, my home…

I am thankful for these weird twisted dreams, they make for creative written or drawn creations…

I am thankful for the past (every dark moment, bully, surgery, scars, toxic relationship) for it has made my mind sharper, my bones stronger and my heart more selective…

I am thankful for stormy days, they force me to take a break and recharge…

I am thankful for gardens, they hold lessons and life…

I am thankful for the future, it’s unknown identity is exciting…

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Your strange existence in my head is confusing yet sparkling…

I am thankful.