Last Wish…

The day is inevitable…the day when my bones breakdown, when my heart stops beating and my lungs intake their last deep oxygenated breath.

Hopefully, old age will be the cause of my death. However, if not then know that my life was well lived before I went forward with this P.A.S..

Here in my Will, the following is stated…

This heart of mine contains deep scars and is stitched together with golden thread, however, it is 100% authentic. My heart goes to my unknown love for it always belonged to him.

This mind of mine is broken, outlined with past scars deeply tucked away and has a thunderstorm that resides in the center cortex, however, it’s creative pulses are glowing and has been known to be a brilliant bulb. My mind goes to the world that drove me.

These bones of mine are slightly cracked from surgeries years ago, however, they are resilient. My bones go to the only place that ever felt like home, the ocean.

Lastly, this soul of mine has seen true blackness and has been near extinction, however, a immortal soul it has always been. My soul goes to the place that made me who I am, California.

I’m a space bound rocketship and your heart’s the moon and I’m aimin’ right at you…250 thousand miles on a clear night in June and I’m aimin’ right at you… -Eminem

….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

Tested

Between you and me, I feel like the universe is testing me, that it’s been testing me since the beginning of the year.

More times than not I have been the person to “bite my tongue”, “let things go” or tell myself that “it wasn’t meant to be”. I’ve shuffled through these excuses for one reason or another.

Moments were because my confidence wasn’t fully built up, so standing up to certain people such as family members or critics was always a bit nerve wracking.

Moments where I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve success or any type of positive recognition.

I mean, who am I to think that what I have to say has substance, that I can make a difference in this world.

When 2018 spiraled in I made a decision to make a few much needed changes in order to maintain my sanity. While my physical health is important to me, my mental health is even more important. So, I decided to flush out the toxicity surrounding my life. Social media platforms were detoxified, then certain people that I have refrained from standing up to were stood up to (damn it felt good).

Lately, career choices were made that I’ll admit I was apprehensive about making, however, in the long run cutting ties was best.

As for Love and I, well, I keep trying to detach myself. So far my efforts have failed, every time I think that my brain has deleted his image something occurs that causes my thoughts to repay attention, such as a song. Every time I think my heart has been successfully stifled, these dreams steal my insomniac hours. I don’t know what to do in this area of life…

In some form or another, the universe is testing me.

I can’t believe how much I hate pressures of a new place roll my way… -Twenty One Pilots

Happy Birthday Ma’

You never stomped on any of my ideas, goals or dreams. You never started any conversation with the words “No” or “Can’t”. Creativity and hard work were always the cards played to help me achieve my newest project. From Tap and Ballet lessons… art sets so that I could sketch out my imagination… my drum set days for band during my elementary and Jr. High years… finding a love for cooking which now means we’ve upgraded from colored pencils and drumsticks to sharp knives and fire… my fascination with the sharpness and beauty of words resulting in my dream of one day becoming an author.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always believing in the person that I’ve become and showing me the power that unconditional love has. Thank you for being my Ma’ 💛

New York

I’ll never forget that moment…the day, the time, what I was doing, this is a memory deeply embedded in my mind.

That Tuesday morning was a typical morning…getting up, dressed, breakfast was eaten then I began my school work. See, I was 16 and just began homeschooling due to losing my sight and being a full semester behind. In order to catch up and graduate on time my parents enrolled me in a charter high school. This allowed me to not only get caught up, but to finish school a full semester ahead of my class. This also ensured that technically no school was missed when needing to be at doctors appointments or while in surgeries.

Trigonometry, this was the subject that was educating my brain. The time was 9:17am, my thought process was interrupted by the phone. Three rings in and I answer it to hear my Dad’s voice on the receiving end.

Dad…”Hey kiddo, how’s your day so far?”

Me…”Pretty good, just doing some trig. What’s up?”

Dad…”Turn on the news kiddo, and prepare yourself.”

Me…”Okay….”

While the big screen picture was a blur, the voices of newscasters were crystal clear. Every channel, one breaking news headline…

A hijacked plane just crashed into one of the Twin Towers in New York.

My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach, tears welled up in my eyes, my voice brokenly asking my Dad, “Who did this?” Him replying with that word made me shake.

Terrorists.

As he told me to not worry about my schoolwork, to just take the day, I was in another state of mind. My young mind was trying to fathom how anyone could perform this horrible act, why anyone would perform this horrible act. Then my mind shifted to lives that were in danger, the lives lost. While I have always been told that I was the 16 year old going on 30, my mind just couldn’t handle the immensity of this tragic crime that my ears were absorbing. My heart was already in a fragile state, this just broke it right down the center.

My heart holds a special place for New York, the diverse culture, the people, the New York atmosphere is just beautiful. Back in 2006, my Mom and I spent a few days in NY, we signed up for a tour of Manhattan. Walking the city with a group, our guide sharing facts from historical to pop culture and everything in between. From seeing the infamous bull statue on Wall Street to Trinity Church. Along the way we made our way to Ground Zero. Standing there, I just froze. The emotional state I entered was unfamiliar territory, I was trying to soak it all in. The tour guide was speaking, however, all I heard was a buzzing in my ears. To also see the plaques, the faces and names of the brave humans who rushed in to help, to rescue. To see the names of those lost souls.

I have witnessed so many life changing moments in my 33 years of existence, However, none have ever compared to Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

Never Forget. ❤

In New York, concrete jungles where dreams are made of, there’s nothin’ you can’t do…These streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you. Let’s hear it for New York… -Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys

Inspired Bones

Music calms my anxiety…

Music inspires me…

Music causes my body to rock out…

Music numbs the pain stitched in my heart…

Music silences the thunderstorm in my cerebral…

While writing and the embedded promise on my arm keep me breathing, music saved me when nothing but darkness resides in my bones…

Music is a new beginning…

🖤🖤🖤

Adrian

You may not realize, but you have been one of the biggest impacts in my life. You never judged me, you never felt pity towards me and you never treated me differently because of my EB. You taught me what true friendship meant and what it means to have ones back. To never judge based on the outside cover and most importantly… The only approval you need in life is your own. I could confide anything with you and know that it wasn’t going to be next day’s gossip. You and I are different yet the same in a variety of aspects. And I want you to know that you’re not just a friend, you’re family. I love you man! 😉 No matter where life may take us, no matter the distance driven between us, I am always here for you…No matter what. Just light up that Bat signal in the night sky…I’ll be there.

Happy Birthday Shadow…🖤

What’s my age again… -Blink 182