art, blog, blogger, blogging, creative writing, life, music, Uncategorized, words, writer

Riptide

**the scent of pre-rain intertwines with the slightly frosted breeze dancing within these reminiscent woods. Black hoodie on and candy cane rose in my hand, my feet travel back to the spot where the end morphed into the beginning…**

Hey sweet baby girl, how’s the afterlife party? I bet it’s one kickass bash, like New Year’s, Fourth of July and Halloween combined. I’m sorry it’s been too long between visits, I could deliver endless excuses as to why, but they’d be just that…excuses. Truth be told, it is becoming harder and harder to come back here to this spot.

I feel obligated to come back here from time to time, check-in in a way. Every time I leave I feel as though I mentally take a step backwards. A step I shouldn’t be taking. I put you here though, it was my past weakness that buried you seven feet deep.

My god, you were so full of life. So unguarded. Your eyes sparkled like a lighthouse, your laughter cute and contagious, your soul burned brilliantly, your heart untouched by pain and your mind pure. Then I allowed society to beat you down, bully your mind, make your heart feel worthless. I did that. I am so very sorry. You had been through too much unnecessary pain, this was the only way I could protect you, the only way I knew how to protect you. It definitely wasn’t plan “a”.

I want you to know that you’ve taught me so much since that night and while I am nowhere near any type of perfection, I owe a great deal of who I am to you. That night I made two promises to you. One, to keep going no matter how deeply pulled under the storm may drown me. Second, to keep our heart safely hidden until such a time occured when it appears safe. So far, so good.

Progress report, there’s been a few pretty treacherous storms (one that nearly defeated me). Even though these walls of mine are high, I’m learning to become more open yet remain cautious. The toxicology levels are diminishing as the mental wounds have healed and scarred over. That sparkle that was cracked is now filled with liquid gold. These grown eyes now shine like broken Christmas lights. As for this old soul, it surprisingly glows on, a flicker here and there, but it glows nonetheless.

The world tried to burn all the mercy outta me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it…. -Fall Out Boy

Our heart? Well, hidden it remains. Its wounds too have healed and the stitches have been removed from each scar. Our ticker is beating on, against every damn odd and statistic. I know that your one wish was for me to fulfill our ultimate dream, however, that is proving to be a bit daunting. I haven’t completely given up on your wish, I just want you to know that there’s a chance it may not happen. Not to your fault, but merely mine. I fear that I’ve seen too much of the darkness in human hearts to be able to trust and jump once more.

Even with all of the pain and darkness held behind these eyes, I still search for the rainbow at the end of every storm. And that’s due to you. Any ounce of hope or goodness that flows through my veins is because of you.

And I’ve been lookin’ for a long time, but I never found home. Everything is alright, I’m around for the long ride…. -Machine Gun Kelly

This may be the last time I visit our spot, but know that you have an eternal place with me. Every time I see this robotic heart that’s inked into my skin, I think of you, of us and how we’ve made it to this point. How did we make it this far? I guess like the proverbial tootsie pop, the world may never know.

Storms moving in, I should go. Before I do, do me a favor…tell Popee that I’m working on it, what we last talked about.

I love you baby girl, you continue to rest easy. I’ve got it from here.

‘Cause I’m stuck in the sunshine riptide, dancing all alone in the morning light… -Fall Out Boy

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Harmonized Collaboration

One of my best friends, Brandi, and I recently collabed on a blog discussing the empowering connection music has. Her and I also share a personal piece of our own experience with music, how it has become therapeutic, how it has saved our lives. The first half of this post is Brandi’s piece, the second half mine. I hope you enjoy đź–¤…

Harmonies Create Harmony

music is therapy

Out of all the things in life that tries to set us apart from each other, there has always been a constant that never fails to bring people together, and that constant is music. I think that Macklemore described this perfectly when he said:

“Music is therapy. Music moves people. It connects people in ways that no other medium can. It pulls heartstrings. It acts as medicine.”

One perfect example of how music can bring people together is the story of how I met one of my best friends and fellow bloggers, Derra Sabo! One day as I was driving into town and I heard the song “Stressed Out” by Twenty One Pilots play on the radio. After mulling over the lyrics and admittedly bobbing my head to the tune I became really interested and went home and looked them up.

I listened to song after song and it felt like the lyrics that were being sung had been ghost written by me. I felt so many different emotions while listening to their music ranging from the feeling of being understood to finally… inspiration. When I listened to the song Kitchen Sink a few verses struck chords in my heart strings and I wasn’t able to ignore them.

“Then write something yeah it might be worthless, then paint something yeah it might be wordless. Pointless curses, nonsense verses, you’ll see purpose start to surface.”

I felt those lyrics in my core and thought, why not try? I’ve always had a passion for writing but had stopped for years because I felt unmotivated and uninspired. After I had stopped writing for so long I began to wonder if I would even be good at it anymore, but hearing that song made me realize it didn’t matter. As long as I tried, I’d eventually see something form out of what I wrote that mattered to me and pushed me forward.

After falling in love with their music I wanted to reach out and meet other people who were interested in them and so I took to social media and created a Twitter account (which as cliché as it sounds was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made because of the friends I’ve made from there). After being on Twitter for a month or so I met Derra and after a few weeks of talking about anything ranging from food, to music, to the cartoons we love we became friends. I honestly wouldn’t want to imagine my life without her because she’s such an amazing person. She is inspiring, optimistic, and can spin words into literal gold.

when all else fades, music remains

Another thing that music is able to do is act as a companion and unconditional listener whenever times in life are hard. There were many points in my life when music was the only thing that kept me together, and whenever I fell apart it buoyed me back up. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I battled with many things and some of them were external but most of them were internal. Certain circumstances caused me to have to change schools frequently and the last one I attended, my high school, I was faced with a lot of bullies. I was different, I held different beliefs than most everyone there and was viewed as some sort of specimen instead of a person.

There were so many nights when all I wanted to do was leave. Not just run away from home but from everything in life. I didn’t want to keep existing and going through the hell that was each day. On those nights I plugged my headphones into my mp3 player, put them in my ears and let myself be transported far away. Most nights ended in crying drowning out everything else around me, but some nights ended peacefully with lyrics from artists like Marilyn Manson to Nirvana and I was soothed in knowing that I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings, and reassured that one day everything would be alright.

Throughout life music has always picked me up, carried me, and now it’s giving me the opportunity to meet great friends and I will forever be grateful for it. I’m going to include a playlist below of some of the songs that have helped me through my darkest hours and helped me celebrate life. I hope that every one of you are able to find your favorite artist(s) that you can resonate with and feel at home with whenever you press play.

· Otep– Perfectly Flawed

· Twenty One Pilots– Kitchen Sink

· Marilyn Manson– Coma White

· Imagine Dragons– Believer

· Fall Out Boy– Champion

· All Time Low– Missing You

· John Lennon– Imagine

· The Beatles– Let It Be

· Coheed and Cambria– Atlas

· Eminem– The Way I Am

· Nirvana– Come As You Are

· Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Ft Mary Lambert– Same Love

A Lyrical Chain Reaction

music…

a beautiful duo of lyrics and sound that causes a chain reaction of shakin’ your groove thang or singing in the shower as though you were at a concert.

Music is a magical elixir that cures bad days and broken hearts. Music even strikes up conversation amongst strangers. A few weeks ago as I was purchasing a couple of body sprays from Bath and Body Works, the cashier noticed my Twenty One Pilots wallet and before you know it, we were chatting about their music, the concerts we had been to and even how their music is quite inspirational. Music does indeed connect us all.

the connection of music

In fact, this blog is a collaboration with one of my amazing friends who I met on Twitter through a music group chat. My sister from another mister, Brandi!! She is an amazing human with a golden heart. Last summer I was invited into the “Strife Magazine Group Chat” where myself and other music lovers would like and share Strife’s articles. The GC was created so that we could all introduce ourselves, get to know each other and before you knew it discussions about all kinds of bands and genres were setting off. That GC is where I first met my bday twin, the gif queen, Jen and then I met the one and only Jamie, who is studying to become a nurse, fabulous!! Through these two kind humans is where I met “CD” aka Jeff, who is hilarious with the dad jokes and the forever Awesome Brandi!! I think Brandi and I pretty much chat every day. We all live in different states yet it feels like we all live just down the street from one another and all of this came about through the connection of music.

At a young age, I learned how music was more than just lyrics and sounds. As a youngster, my Dad introduced me to all of his favorite bands such as The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Led Zepplin and many others. From there I started developing my own list of my favorites from Blink 182, Green Day, No Doubt, Eminem, Snoop Dog, Good Charlotte and others. For me, music was like a magician, some days I just rocked out like a girl who just wanted to have fun and other days I needed the instruments to soothe my tears while the lyrics mended my young heart. Some may think that I am insane when I say that music is the next best thing to actual therapy.

There are songs that I jam out to in the car with my best friend and then there are songs that numb the thoughts that spin through my mind at two in the morning as I’m starring up at the popcorn ceiling. A quick, “Hey Google, play my 5 minutes playlist” and Tyler Joseph begins to inspire as I begin to write, or, Eminem begins to rap as I pull out all of the ingredients I need to cook up a delicious spaghetti dinner (with garlic bread of course).

music saved my life; while writing has kept my life saved

I have written in a previous blog of mine explaining that I was bullied as a kid and teen due to the rare disorder I was born with. Being called names and laughed at on a daily basis starts to get under your skin after a while. One can only ignore hurtful comments and glares for so long before the day comes when everything you’ve buried six feet under over the years explodes from under the earth.

I found myself in a place of pitch black darkness and stared teary-eyed at a reflection I no longer loved, one I began to not even recognize. Days were spent simply getting through the day while trying not to cry in the bathroom or in my Spanish teacher’s class were I ate lunch every day. Nights were filled with silent tears and even a good silent scream every now and again. Silence was key so that my family wouldn’t hear me, for I kept all of the negativity of school to myself. A burden I felt I had to bare alone. Soon those sleepless nights of muted tears had morphed into nights pondering what it would be like to die. Thoughts of how I could kill myself, thoughts of all of my pain disappearing with one quick, deep swipe of a knife to my throat. Nights filled with thoughts that no sixteen-year-old should be thinking, thoughts no human of any age should be thinking.

When I was seventeen, I did attempt to make all of the pain that resided in my mind disappear. A moment of being home alone presented itself and I, unfortunately, took advantage. This wasn’t a moment of having guts, this wasn’t a moment of actually wanting to die, this was a moment of wanting all of the pain to just stop. It is quite a nerve-wracking feeling when you find yourself shakingly holding a knife to your throat. It is a frightening feeling as just a few drops of blood trickle down your neck and it’s the most terrifying feeling when you hear the garage door going up signaling that your family is back from the movies. Then hits the frenzy state where you pick up the knife you dropped, wash it off, run to the bathroom to tend to your neck and wipe the tears away. Ridding yourself of all evidence that’s attached to that doomed afternoon.

music to numb the pain

That night I didn’t know what my next move was going to be, all I knew was that I never wanted to end up repeating that “scary as shit” moment again. As I got ready for bed, I placed a new cd I had bought into my Discman and sat on the floor beside my bed as it played. Fall Out Boy’s “Evening out with Your Girlfriend” was the album; “Pretty in Punk” was the song. The curing combination of Patrick Stump’s soulful voice, Pete Wentz’s screamo back vocals, and Andy’s insane drumming skills began to aid in the healing of my damaged teenaged mind. Where I lacked the ability to stand up to the bullies and say my piece, music chimed in. From music becoming the foundation of my sanctuary, writing became the light that made it glow.

To this day music aids in the coping with my anxiety.
It inspires blocked thoughts to release themselves out from my mind and onto my laptop screen..and it connected me to some amazing human beings. Don’t forget to head on over to Brandi Myers page and check out the amazing blog she wrote. She is such an amazing writer, go show her blog some love 🖤

music: a beautiful duo of lyrics and sounds that cause a chain reaction like no other…

Here is a small playlist curated with a few of my go-to’s that have gotten and still get me through…

Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls…
I Miss You by Blink 182…
Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day…
Space Bound by Eminem…
Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down…
The Pros and Cons of Breathing by Fall Out Boy…
Believer by Imagine Dragons…
This is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco…
Screen by Twenty One Pilots…
At My Best by Machine Gun Kelly…
Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy…
Tragic Endings by Eminem…
Home by Blink 182…
Fairly Local by Twenty One Pilots…
Church by Fall Out Boy…
Bishop’s Knife Trick by Fall Out Boy….
HeavyDirtySoul by Twenty One Pilots
and pretty much everything by Pink…

art, author, blog, blogger, life, love, music, relationships, Uncategorized, writer, writing

I’m Breathing, but I’m Not Alive

it stings in the shower and the sad part is you know exactly what I’m talking about… -m.r.

Can I just give up now? Please…

In a game of tug-of-war is what my mind and heart have been participating in for the entire 2018 year thus far. Back and forth I find myself contemplating on where I want to be in life and what I want. Down this list of my dreams and goals I begin to peruse, one by one crossing out the unrealistic with a Sharpie. At this undecisive moment only one major dream seems to be blacked out and two opposing goals cirlced, underlined and highlighted. This mechanical mind of mine is cheering front and center while my stitched heart tearfully bleeds in the background. As much as I would love to place these lines and cirles in reverse, reality is speaking much too loudly for me to do so.

back on Earth I’m broken, lost and cold and fading fast…. -Blink 182

I have always wanted to one day find love and with that have a family. It has been something I knew I wanted since I was young, however, my young heart was untouched by the dark side of the world at that time. Even though I haven’t had the best luck in the relationship department, even though I haven’t yet found where X marks the spot on where I can find my missing piece, I have learned (all too well) what a relationship isn’t, what love doesn’t consist of. Even in the darkest hour of my worst relstionship, I still held onto the magic that love is. If nothing else, my faith in that alone has kept my heart alive while it beats on.

I can feel the pull begin…I don’t wanna fall, fall away… -Twenty One Pilots

Last night, during those infamous midnight star studded hours though, my mind made a decision. A decision that my heart wouldn’t and won’t ever agree to, but it has to be made…I think. With this shovel in hand, I once again find myself in the midst of these monster filled woods, a beautiful grave I begin to dig and gently I place the dream of finding Love one day down six feet underneath the tear drenched soil. I never wanted to have my attention 100% focused on my career, but now I think I have to. I’m tired of the jerks…I’m tired of praying for the emptiness to be filled. I get it now, well for the most part. I didn’t want to before and while a small portion still refuses to, majority rules.

We don’t always get what we want in life, no matter how badly we want it or how much we believe we deserve it. We conjure up all of these fantasia dreams as young Peter Pans, then that moment arrives when we have to finaly grow up and start marking off certain dreams with a Sharpie.

if there were anymore left of me i’d give it to you… -Fall Out Boy

 

Valentine's Beach Love Wallpapers 2

 

 

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Reminder

I know that this life ain’t for the faint of heart, but it’s one hell of a beautiful ride. I think that if we would all knock off this whole “labeling” each other bullshit then perhaps our eyes could become truly open to the fact that we’re all human… we’re all equal. We are all different…all unique and that’s how it’s supposed to be, that’s how God intended it to be. Original human beings coming together to make this life amazing for generations to come.

Live everyday as though it would all end tomorrow. Lead with an open, kind and generous heart. There’s a reason why we say “treat others the way you would want to be treated in return”. Love your families and friends for the awesomely awkward people that they are and when you find your true love, endlessly hold onto them. Love every good and flawed piece of them because finding the love of your life and spending the rest of your lives together, creating memorable adventures and a family is a precious honor.

I can’t resist a good dare and it just so happens that I have one for you. I dare you to be you. Be the person you were placed on this earth to be, whoever that may be. Don’t allow outside static to dictate how much of yourself you share with this world. Be 100% original, be 100% you because everybody else is already taken.

“Reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind, leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time, so when the director yells cut, I’ll be fine, I’m forever young…”-Jay Z ft. Mr. Hudson

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Kalopsia 

2017…last year was a whirlwind, my mind was fixated on my writing while my heart was beginning to feel anxious in its emptiness. These walls of mine are high and deeply cemented, however, every now and then this heartbeat would loudly skip a step. I found myself pondering the possibilities of “getting back out there”, of allowing myself to bring down my walls a bit. Those thoughts scared the shit out my mind. 

I am not one who fears much, this life I was given requires a certain toughness,  so unless I’m ever locked in a room full of clowns or porcelain dolls,  not much gets to me. That changed some years ago though, a relationship gone very wrong manipulated my mind into adding love to my short list of what causes my axiety riddled gremlins to run a muck. As much as I have tried to no longer fear love, that curse has not yet been reversed. 

Not sure if it’s love itself that jolts my mind or if the fear lies in with going through the process of placing my trust in another human’s hands. I can handle the pain I bring to myself, my pain tolerance is concerningly high, but to trust another man with my heart, that pain is unknown if they decide to break it. Either way, the thought of lightening striking twice in a reoccurring spot is numbing. 

The balance between starting my career and becoming reacquainted with love was unsteady to say the least. These days, love isn’t real love, it’s casual hookups and non commitment relationships.  I’m not like that, I don’t know how to do that. It’s high school all over again, I just don’t fit in.

It’s now 2018, holy shit last year went by in a blink. I’ve decided to let my dream of finding love go, as much as I can. I’ll never be able to let it die 100%, my heart won’t allow me too, but what I can let go of I am…I have to. I can no longer live in the endless emptiness that rabbit holes down the center of this scarred ticker of mine. I can’t be distracted on a constant with these “happily ever after” dreams…It’s starting to hurt too damn much, a pain I don’t want to live in anymore. So I’ve made a decision to allow my mind full use of the mic as I silence my heart. My attention will be 100% fixated on my writing via books and blogs. I’m now focused on building my brand, my name. 

Do I sound delusional? Probably…but I think I need to live in my delusion for the time being.

 “Never looking back and we’re never getting old…Cause the skies are black but our hearts made of gold…Fuck doing what you’re told…We’re going nowhere fast…” -Eminem 

art, blog, creative writing, depression, dreams, family, life, mental health, music, suicide, Uncategorized, writer, writing

Frozen Waves

We’re Broken People… -TOP

Photo box.. I have a photo box filled a few nick-nacks (i.e. i.d. bracelet worn as a kid, my 5th generation U2 ipod and a guardian angel necklace given to me by my great Aunt) and a grip of photos of my past. A true time capsule containing the best times and the worst times. These framed memories have me losing myself down memory lane. Reminiscing holidays, birthday parties, graduations, surgeries, school events and daily insanity. Every moment captured in these hand held capsules. A happy grin has slipped onto my face along with spouts of laughter. Between my siblings and I, we we’re all adorable chaos instigators. Truly never a dull moment at the Sabo house.

I heard that pictures don’t change, just the people inside of ’em do… -NF

Mixed into this beautiful stack of frozen photos, these frozen waves, are captured moments were my smile seems genuine, but is actually just a frustrated frown turned upside down. My teenage self was a bullied soul who was losing her way. Looking at my younger image I can see it now. I can see how fast I was slipping. I can now see the pain hidden behind that fake smile, the retracted tears hidden deep in those hazel eyes and the fresh bleeding wounds pre scarring stage within that beautiful mind. I can see every suicidal crack.

Looking at these frozen photos has rippled a few tears down my cheeks. These tears are no longer painful or regretful, but joyful in a sense. These few tears are tiny drops of inspiration. Looking back then and now looking at my present reflection in the mirror causes one single thought to swirl through my scarred cerebral… “Damn, I survived. I’m still here.”

I am passing along a Double Dare to all of you… No matter what you’ve gone through, take the simple fact that you’re still here as a huge accomplishment. No matter what you may currently be going through, know this, you will survive. You will push through the dark and find that light at the end of the tunnel. You have an unknown strength that will keep you going. Never give up. We all have a purpose and it’s never too late to find it and make it a reality. This thing we call life isn’t easy, by any means. But, it’s so worth living every minute of it, even those gnawing bad minutes. Our past makes us strong for our future.

One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even they weren’t so great… -FOB

Carreau2209

art, blog, life, love, music, relationships, Uncategorized

Bad Things

Someone once asked me to choose a song that would best represent the kind of relationship I’d want, the kind of love I’d hope to one day have.

This question seems simple enough, right? I don’t know why, but I’ve always viewed that question the same as I do when asked, “if you could build the perfect guy, what would his qualities be?”

Love hits you when you’re not seeking it out and when you fall in love with another human, you fall in love with all of them (even their flaws and imperfections).  The store isn’t called Build-a-Boyfriend people, it’s Build-a-Bear. 

My answer has always been, “As long as he is a genuine guy then that’s really all I can ask for.” 

Back to the song reference, I was intrigued by the question, mainly because I reference lyrical quotes in my blogs. It took me a while to choose a song, quite honestly I could have curated an entire playlist around this question. But, without further or do…

Wait….before I post the song I want to pass along the same question to you. What song would represent the relationship/love you want or maybe already have?

Okay… Here’s mine, well one song at least.

 

 

 

Track art

Nothing’s that bad

If it feels good
So you come back
Like I knew you would
And we’re both wild
And the night’s young
And you’re my drug
Breathe you in ’til my face numb
Drop it down to that bass drum
I got what you dream ’bout
Nails scratchin’ my back tatt
Eyes closed while you scream out
And you keep me in with those hips
While my teeth sink in those lips
While your body’s giving me life
And you suffocate in my kiss
Then you said

I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever like,
I want you forever
Even when we’re not together
Scars on my body I can look at you whenever

Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don’t think that I can explain it
What can I say, it’s complicated
Don’t matter what you say
Don’t matter what you do
I only wanna do bad things to you
So good, that you can’t explain it
What can I say, it’s complicated

I can’t explain it
I love the pain
And I love the way your breath
Numbs me of novacaine
And we are
Always high
Keep it strange
Okay, yeah, I’m insane
But you the same
Let me paint the picture
Couch by the kitchen
Nothin’ but your heels on
Losin’ our religion
You’re my pretty little vixen
And I’m the voice inside your head
That keeps telling you to listen to all the bad things I say
And you said…