Author: Derra Nicøle

A Human Anomaly 🖤 Writing started out as an escape for me, then somewhere along the way it became my passion. The pen speaks for me when my lips fail to. My past demons are now my life lessons. Love loudly & hate silently. Cali girl, born and raised. My family & friends are my everything. Beach baby, foodie, coffee addict, bookworm, writer, blogger, movie buff, music maniac, night owl. With a cup of coffee in my hand and a piece of honesty from you, I'll bring my walls down and show you my unguarded soul.

Stuck

Time goes by and still I’m stuck on you… -ID

14…the number of months that I’ve been double focusing on my writing and trying to not think of you…

“Don’t think about him, don’t think about him…”, these words run on a loop through my mind and for the most part this little motto has been working…

Then out of the blue your image pops itself into my mind…a certain song, a line from a movie, a chapter from a book, writing by the Christmas lights…these moments are out of my control and so again I run through the motto…

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I have learned that certain reasons never reveal themselves, you just need to go with the universe’s flow. I need to know why this is happening though…

I wish I had that memory eraser from Men in Black…

I’ve been a zombie, I’m feeling like I’ve been locked in a grave… -ID

Boomerangs

I don’t have friends, I got family… -Dominic Torreto

These days personality aspects such as honesty, loyalty, compassion and kindness are becoming a rarity found in us humans. Being able to trust, to count on and to be able to confide in without suspicion or fear of loose lips is unbalanced.

I, myself, have a hard time trusting others therefore have difficulty opening up. Once upon a time ago I didn’t have these qualities, my heart resided on my left sleeve and my thoughts as open as a best selling book. Life, however, tossed in a handful of toxic humans causing a ripple effect that set up walls.

While trust from another must be installed into my cerebral before entrance into my personal side is given, there are those that have always been my rocks. These gold hearts know the inside outs of my interworkings, they’ve seen my best and stood by me at my darkest. My back is always protected, as their’s are too. Their tongues aren’t sharpened with judgment or toxicity, their ears are always open. And, even though certain words may sting, these beautiful people say them in a caring manner.

These people are my squad, we look out for one another.

These are the people whom I’ll ride through any storm for, I know they’d do the same.

No matter how chaotic life gets. No matter where life takes us on this globe, we are eternally bonded.

These people are my boomerangs.

These are the type of people you need to have in your squad, in your life.

Be strong enough to delete toxic forms from your atmosphere and cherish your boomerangs.

In Trench I’m not alone, these faces facing me, they know what I mean… -Twenty One Pilots

Myocardium Madness

I can hear it again, my heart beat vibrating into my right eardrum…

As crazy as that sounds, it’s also worrying…

These thumps so vivid that only numbing lyrics can temporarily snuff out the pulsating sound…

I’ve been in this place once upon a time ago, I just hope the results aren’t the same…

Only during the ambient hours of midnight black does this beating heart travel up into my ear, it silences itself during awaken hours of sunrays…

No pain is stabbing my chest or head, so I’m good. No numbness running up my left arm, so I’m good. No dizziness or shortness of breath, so I’m good. These bones are titanium strong, so I’m good. This body and all of it’s interworkings are so healthy that it’s sickening 😉 so I’m good.

So, why this again? What’s the meaning…?

My eyes keep searching for an answer as to why this ticker is beating so loudly, this morse coded message it’s trying to send, but the popcorn ceiling isn’t revealing anything…

You will never be able to escape from your heart, so it is better to listen to what it has to say… -Paulo Coelho

Hey You, Yeah You

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed…

Why wait for the perfect time to say what’s on your mind, to say what’s in your heart when “perfect timing” doesn’t exist…

Why wait to begin checking off your bucket list, to live your best life…

Why wait to build your passion into a career, to embed your mark into this world…

Why wait to take a deep breath and jump, to take a chance…

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed…

So, speak loudly and lovingly…go big and bright.

I find it hard to say the things I want to say the most, find a little bit of steady as I get close, find a balance in the middle of the chaos… -Imagine Dragons

Zero

Pain, it’s a sneaky little bugger, a form that can morph from physical to mental with a flip of the switch. Each form delivering varying levels of extensivity. While physical pain is temporary, eventually healing leaving a scar behind as proof of its existence…mental pain is much more sticky as it intertwines itself like symbiote through every brainwave and ventricle of one’s heart. This form of toxicity takes longer to extrude, to process through and hopefully finding that sense of piece in order to move forward.

This past year was nothing short of a battle against myself as I fought to regain my sense of contentment that somehow slipped out from my grip. Feeling like a doormat caused that sense of being drug under into the darkness once again. Feeling as though I wasn’t good enough for, well, anything.

Dealing with a toxic publishing house to deleting toxic “friends”. Moments of pure frustration, to the point of tears being shed. Moments of wondering if my next move would contain waving the white flag. Moments of blocking out the world, staying hidden within these hoodies. Lastly, that moment of peering through the looking glass, wiping away any existing fear and walking through my liquid reflection.

Too long I lived amongst my mental scars, it’s time for a redirection as I finally kiss this black rose, lay it upon this seven feet deep grave and leave behind these chains. Rest in peace Past…

In the last couple of months I have moved forward to new, honest opportunities dealing with writing, I have finished my next manuscript and have once again been bitten by inspiration to begin my first endeavor into the fictional world.

I no longer tell myself that I’m too broken, too damaged for love. Far too long I truly believed that love would never give me a chance, that we’d never coinside. While I am still anxious at the thought of history repeating itself, you never know until you try. Once more, one last jump, that’s all I have left in these bones. Here’s hoping…One day.

Pain..it’s a sneaky annoying life lesson..

A beating heart of stone, you gotta be so cold to make it in this world…Yeah, you’re a natural living your life cutthroat… -Imagine Dragons

From Black to Gold

A while back I told you not to wait for me, that if you met another who made your heart smile then jump…

But, I’m asking you now…please wait for me. Before my heart was still in lockdown mode from a past toxic love, I was still scared at the thought of allowing another to enter my world again. This image of destruction kept invading my mind…

Within the lapsed time that faded away since writing that post, from telling you not to wait for me, something changed inside of my bones. The cracks have healed, wounds stitched close and this heart glowing a shade shifted from black to gold…

Those hopes and dreams that I once slowly suffocated have somehow been revived. I find myself imagining what a beautifully amazing life we would have…

So please, wait for me. I know that might sound selfish, but I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that I didn’t deserve happiness, success or love because I am the misfit who is too broken. No more…

I don’t know what you’re doing or whose in your life, but I ask you to not give up on me…wait for me…and know that I’m not giving up on you…and that I’m trying to figure out how to get to you…

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time… -3 Doors Down

Thankful

I am thankful for my family, they’ve always got my back and visa-versa…

I am thankful for my friends, they’re always there reminding me to breathe when I’m stressing about my writing. Together for the good times, the crazy times and the adulting in between…

I am thankful for my life, a few times meeting with Grim, but we always parted ways. We have an agreement that I’ll call him when I’m ready to kiss this world goodbye. But, not for a long time, I’ve got things to do…

I am thankful for art, the music saved me and the writing keeps me challenged. Cooking keeps my taste buds happy and movies keep entertaining. Books continue to educate and transport while drums are perfect at releasing stress…

I am thankful for sand and ocean, they’re my therapist, my sanctuary, my home…

I am thankful for these weird twisted dreams, they make for creative written or drawn creations…

I am thankful for the past (every dark moment, bully, surgery, scars, toxic relationship) for it has made my mind sharper, my bones stronger and my heart more selective…

I am thankful for stormy days, they force me to take a break and recharge…

I am thankful for gardens, they hold lessons and life…

I am thankful for the future, it’s unknown identity is exciting…

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Your strange existence in my head is confusing yet sparkling…

I am thankful.