I have so much I want to tell you, so much I want to share. But, short and simple is how I’ll write this letter. Feeling every possible feeling in this moment, broken yet relieved, cowardice yet strong..
For some time I have fought the Monster, too long now that I think about it. Round after round we went, left hooks and southpaw punches thrown, in the end always striving to get back up and doing so…until now..
This last round took everything I had; it drained my energy, it injected my mind with an overwhelming amount of dark thoughts, it drained every tear, it stole every ounce of faith and hope..
This last round…it blew out the flame that ignited my fight. I tried, so very hard, to the death. It kills me to admit defeat, honestly, I never wanted to give up..I just wanted the pain to stop..I just wanted to be able to breathe again..
I know this must be difficult to read, difficult to understand why I did what I did…why I left. You may even be angry with me for leaving like this and that’s okay. Just please don’t be mad at me for too long…I hope one day you’ll think of me in a good light, remembering me at my best..know that I fought the fight as long as I could..
Talking about my pain…talking about the dark thoughts…I should have gone to you, but this fear swam in my brain that the way you’d look at me would change. I feared that you’d look at me with a sense of disappointment, something I never wanted…talking about the Monster is daunting, uncomfortable..
Know that I packed every amazing memory of our adventures in my head and took them with me. I left this world in the worst way possible, but I can finally breathe, my heart has finally healed..
If you ever need me, meet me where the moon kisses the ocean, I’ll always be there for you..
To finish this letter off, I’m asking you for one last favor..
Take this letter and transform it into a megaphone for killing the stigma attached to mental health…continue on the important conversation on suicide ideation so that the prevention of it becomes stronger and stronger..
Use my death to save a life..
“Hold…hold on…hold onto me ’cause I’m a little unsteady…” -X Ambassadors