“Just keep going. No feeling is final…” -Rainer Maria Rilke
Sitting by the Christmas tree, the glow of the lights is serene..
I can’t believe that this year is nearly over, it’s as though if you blink you’ll really miss out on a moment..
As 2020 soon approaches, my mind reminisces over the last twelve months, over every up and down..
Steps forward were taken in 2019, a few steps back in certain areas were also taken. Life knocked me down a couple of times this year, the last k/o took me a bit longer to get my bearings than the first. But, I got back up which is the most important part of the situation…not how long, but that you actually get back up..
Physically, my body went to war with me and after a few adjustments, I won the battle in regaining my health. I absolutely hate feeling weak or sick, especially when I know how amazing it feels to be in tip top health. I’ll be honest though, there was a moment where I wondered if this time was really going to be the beginning of the end. If my disorder was actually going to begin to tear me down with vengeance, my own stubbornness to give up useless. I had a moment where I wondered if it was time to check out before the beast could do too much damage. Turns out that for whatever reason this world isn’t finished with me yet, nor I it..
Mentally, I struggled with a few aspects, they recently won the battle with a surprise panic attack (nothing says Happy Holidays like anxiety raining down while shopping 🤪). Not my most brilliant moment, however, after a good cry and a can of Reddi Whip, I figured out what I needed to change so that I could get back on track.
Love..I’m no longer going to look for you. If you should happen to stumble into my life then I promise to embrace you no matter how nervous I may get. I also promise that I’ll protect you, but until that time I have to let you go. Don’t get me wrong, my faith in you isn’t lost, I just need to stop searching. Past relationships have only broken my heart and this lonely feeling is too determined, so my focus must shift. They say that love finds you, not the other way around..
You..in my subconscious dreams You still show up, these thoughts of You still interrupt my day here and there. I don’t know why I still have this uncharted yet curious feeling attached in my mind, I honestly hoped it would have faded long ago. No conclusion and no idea as to why or how, but whatever the reason You are engraved in my brain, in my dreams, even after all this time. I have come to a point where You are just an, “it is what it is” situation and all I can do is to let it be whatever it’s going to be..
We can’t control every aspect of our lives, all we can do is control how we react to said curveballs and surprises. Just continue to get up..
So, with my hoodie on, tunes flowing through the headphones and pen in hand, I’ll continue to work hard, play harder and love hardest..
I’ll continue to fight the good fight. ❤
“Sometimes the only way out is through…” –Fall Out Boy