Those who have experienced the chest tightening, room closing in, sounds and sights blurring, head spinning chaos know how crippling, even embarrassing, those two words above can be. Those who have never experienced a panic attack, well, the above title is just a combination of two words.
It has been some time since I have slipped into serious panic mode, that was until yesterday..
These last few months, since September really, has been a rollercoaster. Every time an Up swept in, a plummeting Down grabbed tight and pulled soon after.
There is a wound on my right calf that is stubbornly healing as my body has become immune to the ointment that I was using. So, after a ton of research I found a high zinc formula that slowly began working. The infection is cleared which is most important and new skin is forming. There are moments when a striking pain rushes up my calf, leading to being on a recommend aspirin regimen, however, I hate taking pills so I’ll only take a couple when absolutely necessary. Life with a rare disorder definitely leads to an exciting life..
As far as the writing portion of life, this next book has turned into a much more challenging monster than I anticipated. I went into writing about my subconscious nightmares and dreams knowing it would be an intense project, but it turns out that playing with these past gremlins is no upside down tea party. My goal, however, is to finish this baby by the end of the month. New year, new book, new journey.
Lastly, a few moments of loneliness has messed with my heart. That 3am hour can be dangerously difficult every now and again when slumber decides to become absent. Past relationships have made me guarded, yet my heart wants to love…it’s a struggle..
“Positive thoughts are my rivals (change)
I’m tryna be be on their side though
Should I feel comfortable? I don’t
Last year, I felt suicidal
This year, I might do somethin’ different like talkin’ to God more…” -NF
Yesterday, while shopping in a very crowded store, everything came crashing down. Between being tested with people ramming into me with their carts, the rude attitudes and how crowded the store was..panic set in. Luckily, I was with my Mom who helped get me through..
Once I got home I went into the bathroom, sat on the edge of the bathtub and just cried for 15 minutes straight. It all just came out. All the stress..all the frustration..all of the unknown..
The shit storm exploded.
Talking, opening up is difficult. I am getting better at the whole speaking up about my personal situations, yet that thought of placing my burdens on another still bites my brain.
Talking and opening up is much more important than we may realize. We were not made to live life solo. It is within our family and friends that we find happiness, where we grow and thrive.
You are never alone in the battle you’re fighting..
Someone out there does know what you’re going through, how you’re feeling..
Life is beautiful, but let’s be honest, there are times when life is difficult and dark.
Find your person..talk..share..heal.
“Sometimes we get lost inside our little heads
Don’t sleep, just yet, we all know that there’s nothing like the
First love, first time, there ain’t nothing like the first time…” -Blink 182