You and I haven’t met in the real world yet, however, there are these thoughts that stab at my mind. There is this sound that taunts my eardrums, like the tip of a 6″ serrated knife tapping on a glass surface **tap tap tap**…
Because of this past that is stitched on my left arm I fear that..
– your lips will lie
– your mind will demean
– your body will cheat
– your hand will leave it’s mark
I try not to allow these thoughts access to the possibilities morphing around my atmosphere, however, those 3am thoughts are uncontrollable gremlins at times..
Even as I focus all of my brain molecules on the future, fears still spiral..
– what if you quickly become my everything and I screw it all up because of this frustrating fact that every good thing in my life eventually leaves. This theory built, *leave before they do*.
– happiness and love are the two arsonists that I’ve always trusted, but what if found and the flame burns rather than ignites..
– would you still want to be with me knowing all of this or should I keep my lips and mind permanently zipped, change who I am. *I tried that once, changed myself for someone. It nearly killed me.*
I hate that these fears pierce my brain, especially when my heart is flipped 180*. I miss the days when my thoughts were simpler, smooth and light. When Pennywise didn’t fill my body with his red fear filled balloons..
“I miss the days when
I had a smile on my face and
Wasn’t so caught up in all of the small things
Wasn’t so adamant that I could handle everything alone
And wasn’t so cautious and always exhausted
And actually listen to things that my heart said…” -NF