World: How’s life been treating you Derra?
Me: Fine, I suppose. Personally I haven’t slept much at all the last couple of weeks and I feel as though I am endlessly tumbling down a rabbit hole. Plus, I’m pretty sure that my heart is now beating in reverse.
World: Whoa..I’m so sorry.
Me: Yeah, well what can I say..it’s just is what it is. Que cera cera right.?.
World: The tone..in your voice…I’ve never heard this tone before. I have to be honest, I don’t like how you sound right now.
Me: **haha** You don’t like how I sound..that’s entertaining, you don’t like how I sound. Well, imagine how I feel, huh. Imagine how it feels to hear myself, to hear these thoughts spilling from my brain, filtering into my voice box and then passing through my lips. Imagine, for a second, how I feel feeling like this. Switch places with me and then report back with how you’re feeling. C’mon.
World: This isn’t you D..this isn’t you at all.
Me: And what would you like me to do? Paint on a reassuring fake smile..or, continue burying all of this insanity deep down because I can handle it, right..perhaps I should continue to brainwash myself into believing the bullshit that one is a hell of a lot lonelier than two, that I’m not meant to find…
World: C’mon D, you’re stronger than this. You’ve been through way worse and dicier hells than this.
Me: Yeah, I know..you’re right…see though, the thing is..
World: Wait, what…thing, what thing?
Me: My entire life has ran on the premise of me being strong, of this unhealthily high tolerance for pain needing me to be this invincible person.
World: Because that’s what you are. It’s who you are.
Me: Yeah, what if I don’t want to be that anymore. Seriously, take a closer look..the Christmas lights that once lit my eyes are burnt out..dark clouds now fill my irises. I keep searching for a revival kit, something to reignite, to reinspire…
World: D…you can’t give up now. Your happiness is out there.. your love, he’s out there. This storm will pass. Just hang on.
Me: I don’t know that I want to. I don’t know…
“Sometimes before it gets better the darkness gets bigger. The person you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger…” -FOB