Infinity and Nostalgia

Today as I was reconstructing and reworking an old manuscript that my new publisher wants to publish, a rush of nostalgia hit my mind hard in the worst best way.

These pieces, these words took me down memory lane. That pivotal point in my young twenty-two year old life where I was caught between figuring out who I was, while running from my past and trying to reverse my fall down that endless rabbit hole.

A time where my reflection through the looking glass remained unrecognizable and suicidal thoughts crept back into my mind as crocodile tears escaped from my eyes, eventually causing me to stubbornly break a promise I made to my younger 17 year old self.

Turns out that reversing your tumble down that rabbit hole ain’t for the faint of heart. However, once my mind calculated the geometry and once my feet regained their grip on the tunnel walls, the sight of earth became more and more into focus.

That year I took my sister to her first concert as a surprise for her 13th birthday. I rented a limo and we both ate In-N-Out burgers, fries and chocolate shakes on the way to Anaheim Stadium (which is now the Honda Center). She was stoked. There were so many acts opening before Fall Out Boy. From DJ Paul Wall to The Academy Is to Cobra Starship and Plus 44.

Even though I was still a closed off, mentally beaten up mess…watching my sister rock her teenage heart out was the best feeling ever. Its moments like these that I held onto with a furious grip because these moments were sparks of pure happiness, which I felt very few of.

One song imparticular has always been not only a favorite, but is now a memory trigger of unfiltered nostalgia that places a grin on my face.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?
I’ve been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that’s just who I am this week
Lie in the grass next to the mausoleum
I’m just a notch in your bedpost
But you’re just a line in a song
(A notch in your bedpost,
But you’re just a line in a song)

Drop a heart, break a name
We’re always sleeping in, sleeping for the wrong team
We’re going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we’re going down swinging
I’ll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it…” -Fall Out Boy

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