Fraudster

Say how you feel, tell those whom you love that you love them. Perfect timing is non existent. The fear of rejection is moot, your mind already knows the worst outcome should your feelings not be reciprocated. So take a deep breath and jump.

These words are advice I was once given and wisdom I share. However, here as I type these words, I feel like a fraudster.

I’ve been having these vivid dreams and random thoughts of You and yet with no guts or glory to back my own wisdom. Instead I find every excuse in the black book as to why my lips remain stitched shut.

**Never feel like I’m good enough for anything that’s real.

**The timing is off and the distance is long.

**I use my disorder as a shield that would never be looked past.

The list goes on…

Don’t ask me how I know, this territory is uncharted, I just know. You are my “Jack”, my home, my beach. I was too late with telling you how I was feeling, along with a chicken attempt at doing so by writing a blog all that time ago, that in the end I deleted due to feeling like a fool.

You and I will never be and while this punches a blow at my heart, my only wish is that your heart and mind are loved, cared for and protected. As long as this rings true then I will take that contentment and keep it in my back pocket.

To say these last words races a mixture of emotions; part of me wants to cry, part of me wants to delete this entire entry and part of me wants to bury all of this while distracting my emotions with these fudgy brownies.

However, a fraud is a label I won’t allow to be branded on my forehead, I have enough unwanted labels.

The Endgame was set into place, so now I need to finish the last step… I love you CN. Again, don’t ask me how I know, I just know. The only ounce of confidence I’ve attained is in the fact that while you’ve been known to come across my blog posts every now and again, I’m pretty confident that your eyes won’t read across these words.

Perfect timing doesn’t exist. Regrets are toxic. Life is short. The unknown shouldn’t be feared. Even if feelings are matched, at least you took a chance and that is important.

Love loudly and endlessly.

Nothing’s that bad if it feels good… -MGK

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