Cardiac Attack

Heart attack, one of the weirdest experiences a human can unfortunately go through. That numbing sensation trickling up your left arm, you heart pounding in a bass drum beat all while your chest constricts more and more causing a ripple effect of cold sweats, shaking and a feeling of suffocation. Lucky are you if you should survive this little stealthy killer, thankfully luck was on my side when my heart blindsided all those years ago. That pain, it will forever be burned into my brain. I’ve been through some shit storms during my existence, varying levels and categories of pain, each building my tolerance much too high.

However, non of my past experiences with pain could have prepared nor prevented nor protected me from the catagory five pain that tore through with your entrance into my life. So charming you appeared, yet unaware was I that underneath the first layer was deep black venom. Months of being fooled by your strikingly villainous smile led to the detonation of my bones. Slick? Yeah, you were until you weren’t. You slipped due to being deluded by your cockiness. The lies began to bubble over and the secret “other” was found. With undeniable proof shoved in my face I knew that the end was here. I may not be the most beautiful woman in the room, but the single life will be a hell of a lot less lonelier than life with you.

Telling you that we were over took strength I never knew resided inside my small skeletal frame. Your resistance matched in strength yet I pushed back. No matter how deafening your voice, not matter how threatening your words and no matter how violent your temper, I didn’t cave. I couldn’t afford to cave. Even while spitting your damning words, even while my eyes kept your stare (when all they wanted to do was cry) I knew that this wasn’t a relationship. This wasn’t love.

I am not a doormat..

I am not one to be used and treated like I’m nothing..

I am not a verbal punching bag..

This pain, it was like no other pain I had ever felt. It’s been years since you tried to initiate your plan of destruction.

The pain has long been sedated, the mental wounds stitched and healed. Yet, to this day I have still not figured out if you were sent to make me titanium strong or test/ nearly break my faith in love. Either way, both were accomplished.

So thank you. Thank you for showing me, for teaching me everything that love truly isn’t.

It sucks, but it’s exactly what I thought it would be, like trying to start over, I’ve got a hole in my heart… -Eminem

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