2018…its been a crazy ride, from the ups and Downs and every moment in between.
This last year I decided to fix the one thing that scared me most, myself. Placing myself on the back burner was a habit I couldn’t brake, I unknowingly became fine with this. However, you can only simmer on that back burner for so long before you begin to burn.
Placing yourself under that microscope is kinda terrifying as your attention shifts onto all of the cracks and missing pieces residing in your mind. It’s like tiny neon arrows pointing out every broken flaw.
Those who mock self care don’t realize that fixing oneself is pretty daunting. I’ve been through some shit storms in life, but placing myself up on that platform and flipping up the hood to see what damage I’d be working with was one hell of a journey. Much needed though.
While I had most wounds sutured up, turned out there were a few that had been hiding deep within these bones that needed tending to.
While I make sure that I surround myself with a good group of people, it turned out that a few toxic humans were hiding in the dark corners. A process of deletion had to happen with those I “friended” online, even decided to stop hanging around a couple of people that I thought were my friends, but they actually loved demeaning. With all that negativity gone, I was able to not only give more of my attention to my true friends, but my confidence in this world, in this life and in myself ignited. I’m not one for confrontation and I’ve always had patience for days, but if someone should Press that one button then my voice booms baby 😉 Who you surround yourself with truly matters.
As far as building my career in writing, the company I was with ended up deluding my mind with empty promises and run around communication. My hopes were built up as nothing was actually happening in reality. In the past I wouldn’t have looked at the situation as dishonest people taking advantage, I would have told myself that my story wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t good enough. I probably would’ve quit the writing gig and found something else to do, something that I didn’t love, something to just get by with. Not this time though. This new found confidence surged through my veins. I took back my story and found a new, honest publisher to help me share it. 2019 is already looking golden.
As for the love department, past relationships ate just that, the past. All of the past bad decisions and past hurt are now dust. These scars on my mind and heart are simply souvenirs that remind me of what I no longer want in a relationship. I’ve learned that thinking that I didn’t deserve happiness or true love was only keeping my past wounds alive.
I have finally found that balance of remaining to be myself and not allowing the world to burn me.
Harley Quinn on the outside, Derra on the inside. 💋
12 months of healing..of upgrading..of becoming myself.
Like I said, it’s been a crazy year.
Take care of yourself because there’s only one you. Don’t allow anyone to snuff out your flame. Do you Boo 🖤
The world tried to burn all the mercury out of me me, but you know I wouldn’t let it. It tried to teach me the hard way, I can’t forget it… -Fall Out Boy