Pain, it’s a sneaky little bugger, a form that can morph from physical to mental with a flip of the switch. Each form delivering varying levels of extensivity. While physical pain is temporary, eventually healing leaving a scar behind as proof of its existence…mental pain is much more sticky as it intertwines itself like symbiote through every brainwave and ventricle of one’s heart. This form of toxicity takes longer to extrude, to process through and hopefully finding that sense of piece in order to move forward.
This past year was nothing short of a battle against myself as I fought to regain my sense of contentment that somehow slipped out from my grip. Feeling like a doormat caused that sense of being drug under into the darkness once again. Feeling as though I wasn’t good enough for, well, anything.
Dealing with a toxic publishing house to deleting toxic “friends”. Moments of pure frustration, to the point of tears being shed. Moments of wondering if my next move would contain waving the white flag. Moments of blocking out the world, staying hidden within these hoodies. Lastly, that moment of peering through the looking glass, wiping away any existing fear and walking through my liquid reflection.
Too long I lived amongst my mental scars, it’s time for a redirection as I finally kiss this black rose, lay it upon this seven feet deep grave and leave behind these chains. Rest in peace Past…
In the last couple of months I have moved forward to new, honest opportunities dealing with writing, I have finished my next manuscript and have once again been bitten by inspiration to begin my first endeavor into the fictional world.
I no longer tell myself that I’m too broken, too damaged for love. Far too long I truly believed that love would never give me a chance, that we’d never coinside. While I am still anxious at the thought of history repeating itself, you never know until you try. Once more, one last jump, that’s all I have left in these bones. Here’s hoping…One day.
Pain..it’s a sneaky annoying life lesson..
A beating heart of stone, you gotta be so cold to make it in this world…Yeah, you’re a natural living your life cutthroat… -Imagine Dragons