Years back my heart was trapped in an extremely toxic relationship and after managing to escape that nightmare I took as much time as I needed to be broken…to repair.
Not wanting to replay the past, I decided to keep any relationship casual. No strings, no commitment, no personal attachment whatsoever. However, casual ended up not working out, seems as though I’m not the master of detachment as I thought I was. But, a serious relationship was not a card in the deck. See, part of being in a serious relationship means that your walls need to be taken down, that you allow your fears and insecurities to be seen…you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Love means that you have placed your trust and your heart into the hands of your partner while praying to God that they don’t break your heart or use your insecurities against you, resulting in your destruction. Honestly, the most terrifying aspect of love. One aspect I didn’t want to go through again.
So I devised this plan of giving up on looking for “the one”, giving up on love. I knew that my heart would be filled with pain by this suffocation, but I figured that this type of pain was better than feeling the pain created by another. At least this type of pain was one that I could control. I never said that this was a smart plan, it just seemed necessary.
This ridiculous plan that my brain conjured up seemed to work, at least in my blind eyes. However, as of lately a different type of pain has seeped into my heart like venom, but I can’t suck it out. I am walking through unfamiliar territory here, a darkness I can’t see in, control that’s out of my control.
This different pain, it’s sadness and emptiness entangled together and it runs through a deepness that I had never felt before. This ticker of mine, it continues to beat yet without rhythm. I feel it thumping inside my ribcage, yet it’s not alive.
I hate this level of heaviness I’m feeling, but I can’t seem to resesitate the contentment that my heart used to hold.
I thought that I was better off alone…I’m supposed to be able to better alone…I’m the one who supposed to survive through anything…