Weird title for a blog, I know. The past couple of months have been the very definition of stressful. So much so that a few nights ago I found myself sitting on the edge of the bathtub, hand over my mouth as tears raced down my face. I have this unbreakable tendency to hold too many thoughts deep inside instead of talking it out. It’s not that I don’t have anyone to share my thoughts with, it’s simply the fact that this bad habit built from my past is hard as hell to brake. The progress is flowing in the “opening up” department, however, it’s still under construction.
Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind…-TØP
Moments of happiness is when my doubts tend to creep in, these moments of watching my goals and dreams come to life are somewhat of a new aspect, so I suppose that these moments of happiness kinda scare me. Part of me is in complete control while another part of me is wondering what’s going on. With every accomplishment, there are setbacks. With every setback, I figure it out and keep moving forward. The stress of beginning success has kept my freezer stocked with ice cream and kept my mind up from midnight to sunrise.
I found no cure for the loneliness, I found no cure for the sickness. Nothing here feels like home, crowded streets but I’m all alone… – MGK
A reprieve was much needed, so my best friend being the awesome human that she is planned a day where we went off of the grid. This day began at Starbucks for that morning latte along with a croissant. Then it was off to her shop where she embedded the second to last piece of my tattoo journey (nothing like a little ink therapy). From there we grabbed some lunch, then headed down to the beach. Sand and ocean, the only place where my mind feels free, the only place that remotely feels like home. The perfect ending to the perfect day was dinner on the beach at sunset.
Those twelve hours were just what we both needed, on the drive home we both were ready for life to hit the next day.
Career inching off of the ground…check.
Finally feeling whole again….check.
Breathing life into all dreams…almost check.
While my heart sports a few cracks and is kept together with a few stitches…it continues to beat on. It may not be whole, it may not be the most beautiful shape, but it’s a warrior. I am proud of how far it has come.
My only wish is that should I ever cross paths with my last missing piece, that he accepts my heart. Plasma, ink, metal and all.
These black light words will eternally reside on my flesh, seeping down into the bottom left corner of my pulsating brain. iDerra is who I am, it’s who you young Frankensteins created. A human heart with a mechanical mind, wires and veins intertwining inside a titanium boned frame disguised with German/ Irish freckled flesh. I wasn’t always half robotics, once upon a time ago I resided in the mortal world. But, as the years aged my young innocence, societal attacks that I was unprepared for exploded. Two choices stood before my torched self, exhale one last carbon breath or deeply inhale a puff of chilled oxygen and stand up. The first option felt calming, yet an unknown source within forced the latter.