Life, Love, Suicide and Ink

My body is my journal and my tattoos are my story… -Johnny Depp

my first tattoo

The first tattoo I got done was the fairy that resides on my neck behind my right ear. This mischievous pixie silhouette is a reminder (or more of a life lesson), that life gets caught in a chaotic spin from merely one’s career and personal life. It is important to pause this insanity and go off of the grid every now and again. Create memories with your loved ones, your friends and even have some “me” time. When I’m 80 years old decorating the Christmas tree with my grandkids, I want to have endless stories to share with them. We only get one shot at living our life and I want to make sure it was one hell of a road trip when my time comes. I don’t want to regret anything or have a huge emptiness with only the memories of my career. My Popee was the wise person who taught me this valuable lesson. He owned his own business and was always crazy busy, however, he also always made time for family. He had so many stories he shared and I have so many memories with him, I want to make sure I do the same. So, anytime I feel overwhelmed with my writing or by my personal life, I see that fairy tattoo and am reminded to go have some fun. Plus, Disneyland was mine and my Popee’s favorite place to go have adventures at, besides the beach.

and the second

The second tattoo I got is that all too iconic scene of Jack and Sally standing hand-in-hand on the curved hill from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Yes, this was my favorite movie as a kid and it still is, but that is not the reason I chose this scene for my tattoo. See, my past relationships haven’t been the best, especially the last one. Long story short (possibly a whole other blog) I have yet to know what real love feels like, but I definitely know what love isn’t. I found myself at the point where my faith in love, that I’d someday find love, quickly slipping through my grip.

Love was the one form of magic that I always believed in and the thought of no longer believing broke my heart even further. So, as a promise to myself, as a promise to love…to never give up on believing, I got Jack and Sally on my back. A friend asked why I didn’t do a Romeo and Juliet inspired tattoo, my reply to him, “because we all know how that romance ends “. Jack and Sally are eternal, plus like I said, it’s one of my favorite movies.

the last tattoo

The tattoo that inspired this blog, is on my right arm. The saying “Carpe Vestri Somnia” is on top of a lifeline and underneath both of those is a number sequence: 11, 17, 22, 2064. No those aren’t lottery numbers. I have been through hell and back a few times in my life, the darkness and I are no strangers. This tattoo is a promise I made to myself and to my Mom that I would never try and commit suicide again. The saying translates to “Seize your nightmares”, even though life has this cunning way of knocking you down, you have to keep getting back up. It’s like the song Champion by Fall Out Boy, “If I can live through this, I can do anything…”. The numbers each represent a dark time growing up. I was 11 years old when I began having night terrors, still have them every now and again. I was 17 years old when I tried to commit suicide. I just wanted the pain I felt from being bullied in school and the pain from never feeling like I belonged to go away. I could no longer bare being the freak. Pete Wentz once said in an interview with Rocksound that there was a point in his life where he felt toxic, that he wasn’t good enough for anyone and that that was a tough feeling to feel. You have no idea how much I resonate with every word he said. I felt toxic, that I wasn’t good enough for anyone, that I didn’t belong and that really is a tough feeling to feel. I was 22 years old when my Popee passed away from cancer. His passing landed my mind filled with internal anger causing me to slip back into my darkness. It took me quite some time to turn my anger filled tears into joyful reminiscent tears. 2064, this number I have a bit of an addiction to. See, I wasn’t supposed to live past the age of 14 due to the disability I was born with and here I am, 33 years young. I will be 80 years old in the year 2064, this is my shining light within the dark. No matter how many times life will knock me down, no matter how dark my mind may get…I’ll always get back up and I’ll always focus on that light. I will always seize my nightmares and morph them into dreams. I will Never give up because I am addicted to 2064.

i am addicted to life.

My tattoos are my embedded promises, what are yours?

2 thoughts on “Life, Love, Suicide and Ink

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