I can feel it…it’s happening, again. Every part of my being is trying like hell to fight this, but I feel that this battle is already lost.
Why? This largely one worded question continues to spin through my mind. This particular feeling is supposed to be permanently dormit, yet I can feel it begin to activate within my veins. Why I am feeling this is curious. I have been completely content with my life, a few bumps in the road have occured, but that’s a normality of life. Yet, here I am…sitting here in my calming zone of writing, sipping on a caramel macchiato and witnessing the sun tuck itself into bed as the moon greets us with a cooling salutation. Calming, except I’m missing the calm. Instead stress, doubts and the intense urge of releasing these buried tears while breaking down is all I can manage to feel.
I can feel it…it starts with allowing my fears access to my mind. This then leads to nights without any sleep and then loss of appetite. Feeling empty. Like I’m breathing yet not alive.
The last time this feeling came around, well, it ended in not being one of my finest hours. Two years ago I permanently imprinted a promise on my inner forearm, a promise made to my Mom and myself. Carpe vestri somnia, seize your nightmares.
This stress is getting to me….my anxiety is gripping my chest, the stress eating commenced and at the same time not wanting to eat at all, sleep is a beautiful dream.
It’s like I’m drowning at sea, hoping that you reach for me, I know you’re there but I can’t see…-Eminem
It’s like there’s a loose string at the tip of my knuckle, I keep staring at it while resisting the urge to pull at it. Once I pull, I know that it will automatically continue to unravel. I can’t allow this to happen, so with a black hoodie on and a single white rose in hand I’ll begin to peruse these woods to find my 17 year old grave. Once found I’ll sit for a while, remembering where I once was, who I once was, where I am now and who I am now. With everything I’ve endured throughout this life, with the handful of times that I should’ve said my last goodbye to this world…I’ve survived, I am at my best. So why am I feeling it, that feeling? Sitting here next to my old grave, I’m trying to remember the promise I made to the old version of me.
I continue to work on my writing career, create memories with my family and friends and spend as much time as possible at the beach. This feeling though, I can’t phathom why it’s invading my mind, but I’d love for it to go away.
I can feel it…here we go…again