If Only….

Love…a four lettered heart attack that causes beautiful chaos to all of the senses.

As a teen, I had this vision of a fairytale kind of love embedded in my heart. That vision was a small component that kept what little speck of hope I was holding onto during those awkward high school years. Being the freak around school campus tends to slowly gnaw away on your self-confidence, so any glow of contentment was captured and placed in my mental jar for safe keeping. My vision of love was that “Jack and Sally” kind of love… makes sense seeing as my favorite film since I was 9 years old is “The Nightmare Before Christmas”. I know most searching hearts are wanting that Romeo and Juliet love, but our brains tend to leave out exactly how that romance ended. Jack and Sally, they’re eternal.

I was one who entered the dating world later in life which was probably a positive aspect. My mind wasn’t always in a luminous place and anytime my mind goes dark I tend to submit space between myself and my family and friends. Being a guarded human is definitely interesting; never a dull moment.

I’ll admit that when I did start dating, I for whatever reason ended up with a guy that wasn’t good for me at all. The first month together was great, then a shift would occur to where I was his doormat. I now became the girlfriend that was expected to kiss the ground he walked on because someone like him was dating someone like me. For far too long I kept repeating history with every relationship (if that’s what I can even call them).

I know that I’m not the breathtakingly beautiful girl in the room, but I am an intelligently adorable human who deserves to be treated right, just as we all do. This wasn’t a fact I knew back then, though a part of me wishes I did, but then I wouldn’t have learned the lessons needed from those unhealthy days.

I paused the whole “looking for love” road trip for quite some time. Mentally unsteady isn’t a phase one should be in when wanting love in their life.

i needed time

…time to remember the promise I made to the girl I buried
…time to find the bonfire pit in my soul and light it up.
…time to solve my own Rubik’s cube before allowing a new variable into my life.

I also needed to figure out what I wanted in a relationship. Nothing in life has a level of perfection and having great expectations usually just leads you to frustration, but wanting a few solid features and a concrete relationship isn’t asking for too much.

After a much-needed reprieve, that moment came when I thought that I had found my “Jack”. He was handsome with that southern charm, a smile that made your breath pause and blue eyes that could softly kill. My attempt to keep the two of us at the friendship level didn’t last very long; before I knew it I was completely lost in his kiss. Everything seemed to run smoothly. He said all of the romantic comments a girl wants to hear and acted like Prince Charming. Me being me, my walls never went completely down when I was in his arms, I simply convinced myself that it was due to my trust issues, that this was my own problem. Ignorance is not blissful at all, turns out that this was a code black warning that I was ignoring because of my own flaws.

“I can’t find me anymore…” -All Time Low

Relationships do not consist of manipulation, deception, verbal abuse or violent tempers. The lies rapidly surfaced and the other woman was found hiding behind the internet curtain. Initial instinct went into full force, time to end the downward spiraling toxicity. I knew he wasn’t going to leave easily, but I wasn’t prepared to be pinned up against the wall with his hand gripped around my neck as the words, “forget what you found out and be grateful that someone like me is even with someone like you.”

For a nanosecond, I told myself that what he was saying was true, that I wasn’t good enough for any other type of relationship, then my inner self-slapped a shit load of sense into my mind as I turned the tables on him with a dose of blackmail. See, while he may have had the “strength” card, I held the “intelligent” card. I knew I was going to need rock solid leverage when getting ready to break up with him.

“abandoned love songs smashed across the hardwood floor, I read the sadness on your face….” -Blink 182

Even though he stalked me for the next few months after the aftermath, I never caved. I’d rather live a singular life than be trapped in a toxic one where two was truly lonelier than one. I had never cried so much in my entire life than while in that relationship. Even though I had found a deeply hidden strength I never knew I had, my Ma’ was my rock during that time and her wisdom is what kept my faith in myself beating.

It has been almost seven years since that chaos went down and while I have casually dated here and there, nothing serious yet. I have purposely kept the casual status because I’m scared of lightning striking twice. However, these days my heart is tired of the detachment, I can feel the empty space in my heart beating extra loudly.

perhaps it is time to reunite myself and love again

Bring down a wall. Take a chance. The whole “cute house with a picket fence” was something I had wanted since I was 10 years old. I know that seems crazy, you’re probably thinking that that’s too young to even know what love is. Well, when you’re sitting next to your Dad, across from your Mom as she’s laying in her hospital bed, holding your baby sister, a sense of wanting that love, that family someday is very intoxicating. As I grew older that intoxication morphed into a dream.

Even though I don’t yet know what real love is, I definitely know what love isn’t…

“I want you forever even when we’re not together, scars on my body so I can take you wherever…” -MGK

3 thoughts on “If Only….

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