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I’m Breathing, but I’m Not Alive

it stings in the shower and the sad part is you know exactly what I’m talking about… -m.r.

Can I just give up now? Please…

In a game of tug-of-war is what my mind and heart have been participating in for the entire 2018 year thus far. Back and forth I find myself contemplating on where I want to be in life and what I want. Down this list of my dreams and goals I begin to peruse, one by one crossing out the unrealistic with a Sharpie. At this undecisive moment only one major dream seems to be blacked out and two opposing goals cirlced, underlined and highlighted. This mechanical mind of mine is cheering front and center while my stitched heart tearfully bleeds in the background. As much as I would love to place these lines and cirles in reverse, reality is speaking much too loudly for me to do so.

back on Earth I’m broken, lost and cold and fading fast…. -Blink 182

I have always wanted to one day find love and with that have a family. It has been something I knew I wanted since I was young, however, my young heart was untouched by the dark side of the world at that time. Even though I haven’t had the best luck in the relationship department, even though I haven’t yet found where X marks the spot on where I can find my missing piece, I have learned (all too well) what a relationship isn’t, what love doesn’t consist of. Even in the darkest hour of my worst relstionship, I still held onto the magic that love is. If nothing else, my faith in that alone has kept my heart alive while it beats on.

I can feel the pull begin…I don’t wanna fall, fall away… -Twenty One Pilots

Last night, during those infamous midnight star studded hours though, my mind made a decision. A decision that my heart wouldn’t and won’t ever agree to, but it has to be made…I think. With this shovel in hand, I once again find myself in the midst of these monster filled woods, a beautiful grave I begin to dig and gently I place the dream of finding Love one day down six feet underneath the tear drenched soil. I never wanted to have my attention 100% focused on my career, but now I think I have to. I’m tired of the jerks…I’m tired of praying for the emptiness to be filled. I get it now, well for the most part. I didn’t want to before and while a small portion still refuses to, majority rules.

We don’t always get what we want in life, no matter how badly we want it or how much we believe we deserve it. We conjure up all of these fantasia dreams as young Peter Pans, then that moment arrives when we have to finaly grow up and start marking off certain dreams with a Sharpie.

if there were anymore left of me i’d give it to you… -Fall Out Boy

 

Valentine's Beach Love Wallpapers 2

 

 

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