2017…last year was a whirlwind, my mind was fixated on my writing while my heart was beginning to feel anxious in its emptiness. These walls of mine are high and deeply cemented, however, every now and then this heartbeat would loudly skip a step. I found myself pondering the possibilities of “getting back out there”, of allowing myself to bring down my walls a bit. Those thoughts scared the shit out my mind.
I am not one who fears much, this life I was given requires a certain toughness, so unless I’m ever locked in a room full of clowns or porcelain dolls, not much gets to me. That changed some years ago though, a relationship gone very wrong manipulated my mind into adding love to my short list of what causes my axiety riddled gremlins to run a muck. As much as I have tried to no longer fear love, that curse has not yet been reversed.
Not sure if it’s love itself that jolts my mind or if the fear lies in with going through the process of placing my trust in another human’s hands. I can handle the pain I bring to myself, my pain tolerance is concerningly high, but to trust another man with my heart, that pain is unknown if they decide to break it. Either way, the thought of lightening striking twice in a reoccurring spot is numbing.
The balance between starting my career and becoming reacquainted with love was unsteady to say the least. These days, love isn’t real love, it’s casual hookups and non commitment relationships. I’m not like that, I don’t know how to do that. It’s high school all over again, I just don’t fit in.
It’s now 2018, holy shit last year went by in a blink. I’ve decided to let my dream of finding love go, as much as I can. I’ll never be able to let it die 100%, my heart won’t allow me too, but what I can let go of I am…I have to. I can no longer live in the endless emptiness that rabbit holes down the center of this scarred ticker of mine. I can’t be distracted on a constant with these “happily ever after” dreams…It’s starting to hurt too damn much, a pain I don’t want to live in anymore. So I’ve made a decision to allow my mind full use of the mic as I silence my heart. My attention will be 100% fixated on my writing via books and blogs. I’m now focused on building my brand, my name.
Do I sound delusional? Probably…but I think I need to live in my delusion for the time being.
“Never looking back and we’re never getting old…Cause the skies are black but our hearts made of gold…Fuck doing what you’re told…We’re going nowhere fast…” -Eminem