The thirteenth hour has arrived…I’m finding it challenging writing this post. See, I don’t usually write out what I want to blog about, I just sit at my laptop and allow the words to flow in their raw and unformatted form. Pure thoughts fresh from the cerebral, unfiltered. However, tonight I am finding this blog a bit challenging, not because of writer’s block, but because the thoughts I’d like to share consist of placing myself behind the x-ray screen so that I could see just how deep these scars of mine run.
Over the last several months I have been caught in a suspended slumber induced decision of which item to choose, a 22 glock or a Louisville slugger. Over the past few months my mind has been is a constant fidgeted spin, distracted and dizzying. I had hoped that these unconscious subconscious matters would have figured themselves out, they have not. I am mentally exhausted and can no longer indulge these beautiful false fantasies. So, I am taking matters into my own hands, I am doing what needs to done, what should’ve been done a long time ago. The 22 glock will take the win, the bullet will fire and a clean slate will be bought.
Sometimes you have to silence your mind in order to allow your heart a moment in the spotlight. These two organs don’t always reside on the same page and most of the time the mind prefers to boom its voice over the heart’s. I, however, have decided to silence my heart’s mic for a while and simply focus on my life. I need a break from the pain that tends to attach itself to hopes and dreams. My countdown clock is ticking away as though it were a megaphone that was built inside my eardrum. I know that I ponder about death more than I should, but when it has been a factor slapped in your face since you entered this world you tend to find a fascination within it so that it isn’t so damn depressing. Death, in a weird way, inspires me. It kind of always has. I get a kick out of how I am still here, how I have given death the finger a few times. No one knows when their clock will tick it’s final tock, but to know that my time has well been up and here I still stand gives my veins a little rush of adrenaline.
And if I must go and die at 27, then at least I know I died a legend. Now will you roll and ride like we’re together and keep the vibe alive inside forever… -MGK
With that being said, if I were to die tomorrow, if this was the last sunset my eyes soaked in, if these were the last breaths my lungs were going to intake then I am ok with that. There are so many more moments that I’d like to add to my journey, my heart wants to experience a true honest love more than anything and having a family of my own is the main thought residing within the storm in the center of my mind, but one can only outrun Grim for so long.
So, if tonight is the last 10:10pm wish I’ll get to make then I’m going to make it count. Firstly, I dedicate part of this wish to all of you single hearts out there searching for your missing piece. Don’t give up, I know there are times of hopelessness, moments of tearful doubt, but keep searching. The best moment in your life will be finding your King or Queen, don’t lose that moment to fear. Secondly, whenever I do depart from this world, I hope that you remember the moments when I was at my best. I hope you remember that my shoulder was always there for you to lean on…that I could get you to crack a smile in that moment you felt upset in…that my ears were yours when you needed to vent and that my presence was right beside you in the moments when you needed silence… I want you to remember every golden memory that brings a smile to your face.
Today marks the ending of chapter thirty-two as chapter thirty-three begins. Here’s to new adventures and new dreams.