Today I read a quote that intrigued my attention, then captured it….
Each man should frame life so that at some future hour fact and his dreaming meet… -Victor Hugo
My life has never been easy, nor do I ever imagine it to become easy. That’s okay with me though. With every calm there is a storm. No matter how cramped my legs become from treading, now matter how much salted water I’ll intake from working to keep my head from sinking and no matter how rough the waves, I’ll always continue to swim. Its all I’ve ever done, it’s all I know. Although, low key, exhaustion is beginning to set in, I don’t know how much longer I can tread this particular storm.
Dreams *pleasant or nightmarish* have pretty much been apart of my life. They snuck into the depths of my mind at the young age of eleven. Throughout my childhood and into my early twenties, these dreams faded in and out. Some good and others the exact opposite. But, no matter what subconscious movie played in my mind, I have always been able to decipher the “why” factor. This has always left a calmness when new terrors would form.
They say that dreams are your subconscious working out the situations spinning your days while you sleep. I have also read that the more you ignore your dreams the more intense they become. My dreams have always been pretty intense, so I have nothing to compare.
This time around though, these reoccurring dreams, I’m swimming in uncharted waters here. I’m at a loss. I can’t solve the “why”, I can’t even figure out the “how”. I have no idea what brought these dreams into play. All I know is that until the dimmed question marks reveal themselves, I won’t be able to meet dreams and facts. I won’t be able to frame this storm.
So, I’ll do what I do best…I’ll keep cramming distractions into my brain, I’ll keep this fierce skeleton of mine treading and I’ll keep intaking these salted waves. No matter how rough the waters, I’ll keep going because it’s all I’ve ever done. It’s all I know.
I don’t know what keeps me going, but there’s got to be an undeniable reason right? There has to be, if there isn’t then the only other explanation I can conjure up at this moment is that I may in fact be indestructible. My mind isn’t in the clouds, I know the latter scenario is impossible. Yet during the 3am hour I find myself staring up at this popcorn ceiling, hoping it’ll reveal why my heart continues to beat. Maybe it continues to beat for someone else rather than myself.
Whatever this force is, it won’t allow me let go.
All the noise of this has made me lose my belief… -Imagine Dragons