Hiccup

hic·cup – an involuntary spasm of the diaphragm and respiratory organs, with a sudden closure of the glottis and a characteristic sound like that of a cough. OR, A temporary or minor difficulty or setback.

 

They say that nothing good happens after 2am… I have found this statement to be both true and false.

They also say that you shouldn’t listen to the darkened thoughts that roam around the lonely midnight zone in your mind… I have found this to be 100% accurate.

I can’t explain why I have these dark thoughts spinning within the creative imagination the fuels my glowing cerebral, all I can tell you is that I have two rituals that I complete every 24 hours. Every morning I silence my alarm, sit up in bed and right before my feet kiss the floor good morning I silently recite, “Today I am going to be the best possible version of myself and I am going to be genuine with my words and actions.”. Feet to floor and off I go. Every night before I allow myself to become lost within the writing or Netflix realm, I take a moment to inhale a deep breath and search for the silver lining to that day. I then also remind myself to not get too far into my head.

See, when I write, depending on the topic, there are times when I roam every part of my brain except for the thunderstorm in the back left corner. The writing has a light luminous vibe attached to it. Then there are times when I enter the storm, the writing is heavy, deep and without solace. I try to not always allow myself to venture to the storm, every time I do I feel like I am tearing myself apart to simply conjure up a single piece. There have been a few rare times where I find myself stubbornly watery-eyed as I attempt to press “Publish”.

Tonight is one of those nights, a few single tears have already managed to escape as I type away.

No matter how many times life has knocked me down I have always picked myself up and gotten right back in the ring. There are times when I find myself searching  for answer as to why I keep fighting. Am I fighting for a certain something? A certain someone? 3 times I have shaken hands with Grim, had a lovely conversation and then we parted ways. He continued to claim other souls on his list and I retuned to earth in search as to why he’s still allowing me to breathe.

I read a quote awhile back that stated, “God didn’t add another day to your life because you needed it, he added another day because someone out there needs you.” I don’t know if this is true, but it’s been a post-it-note stuck to my mind ever since I saw it.

I’d like to think that “someone” is my soulmate, that he is the reason as to why I am still here on earth. When it comes to LOVE, I have always believed that love is the one form of actual magic we humans have. The fact that two humans can fall in love, a love so strong that they decide to devote themselves to one another, build a family, a life, an everlasting mark that will live on within future generations is pretty damn magical if you ask me. It is a magic I hope to be apart of one day.

No matter how dark my life may have been, my faith in love was never diminished, my faith in humans yeah, but not in love.

Until recently… those darkened lonely midnight thoughts I told you about, well a certain one has been screaming in mind to the point that my eardrums are ringing. Sometimes that space in your mind tells you that your dreams won’t ever come true so why try. Sometimes that space in your mind tells you that you’re not a good enough person or that you’re not strong enough to play this game we call “Life”. I have told myself these thoughts plus a few more, but I no longer allow them to scream at me. I have muted them.

However, one inparticular thought has been on the megaphone for awhile now. There are nights when I am able to muffle its annoyance with the use of Eminem’s Rap God lyrics or Fall Out Boy’s alternative tunes. This was not the case last night, I even tried suffocating the scream by writing a positive piece that contained a few hopes and dreams, yet when 2am sunk in, so did that ear bursting scream.

“Look sweetie, I know you’re a genuine person. You’ve been told that you’ve got a heart of gold and an old soul, which are true. You have a beautiful personality and are an intelligent being. Any guy would really be lucky to have you. However, let’s get real shall we. I told you back in high school that you were damaged goods and you still are. No guy is ever going to want the broken chick from SoCal. No matter how good of a person you are, no matter how much you think you deserve a shot at true love. IT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! So do yourself a favor, douse that “love” dream of yours in kerosene, strike a match and light it up. Let it go sweetie… let it go.”

I feel like I’m experiencing the worst hiccup ever.

 

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