Openly Guarded

First off, shout out to my beautiful Ma’! This woman is pretty much the only person who will ask me what’s going on in my head and when I reply nothing, she gives me that “mom” look as she says, “mhmm, sure lovey. Now spill.”

While she and I were enjoying our usual order from The California Pizza Kitchen, I brought down my walls and allowed a few taunting thoughts to escape. Few humans in this world know me, outsiders may know of me, but they don’t know me. Even fewer humans know that I am openly guarded and the reasonings. Openly guarded? Yes, I am guarded. I have walls placed strategically so that no unwanted guests slip by. These walls are not something I want, however, certain past demons forced my hand. Yes I am guarded, but I am open and honest about being so.

“You don’t know my brain the way you know my name. You don’t know my heart the way you know my face…” -TØP

Confession, it is exhausting having to be so guarded, seriously. I wish for the good ol’ days when my heart resided on my sleeve and the fears that my insecurities would be used as tools to destroy my heart were hushed. Honestly, I feel like every time I write that I’m opening up too much. That I am supplying others with those destructive tools.

Anyways, back to where I was aiming to go with this conversation. My mom aided me with some of her wise advice which helped. One thought of her’s, in particular, caught my attention in a hopeful way. “You’ll find him, or he’ll find you. Either way, one day you’ll find one another, fall in love, create your life and your family together. You’re not meant to be alone sweetie, trust me.” Now other than the whole “Santa Claus” fiasco, I have always trusted my Mom. 

Patience is a virtue that I have spades of, these days though, those patience are growing impatient. It is hard hearing the kind encouragement from friends/ family when the pain in your chest causes your eyes to well up as the midnight thoughts settle in. It’s hard to hold onto the one aspect in life that you’ve never lost faith in. 

It’s hard to listen to lyrics like, “you’re arms feel like home” or read a quote that states, “Love finds you, you don’t find it” and not feel a slight sense of distrust. Because what if I never find home…what if love and I never find each other. I am desperately gripping onto these hopes and dreams of mine, but this grip feels less secure.

Your handsome image remains stitched within my thoughts. I still remain a cowardice fighter.

In a constant state of static I stand. If only you were here, then I could become unguarded in your arms. If only you were here, then perhaps the static would fade into a clear picture. If only I could find you. 

“I feel like the moon, spinning off into outer space without you, this universe an empty place without you…” -Blink 182

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