Cowardice Fighter

Some may say that music is merely lyrics and instruments, nothing more. I disagree. One song, one single song and a fresh flood of thoughts rush in like a thunderstorm. 

I know…I know why I can’t swallow this anxiety and step up. I know why I can’t say Hi to you.

“I’ve been hurt, I seen the scar tissue. If I showed you would you run away, do I gotta hide ’em for you to wanna stay?…” -MGK

There are two things I have never allowed myself to do in life. First, I have never allowed my disability to inhibit me from doing what I want to do, from living life. If I want to do something, like Nike, I ‘just do it”! If I want something I go get it. Never have I allowed the docs, nay-sayers or myself stop me from experiencing life.

Second, I have always been a fighter. Admittedly there were a couple of times when I almost waved the white flag, but an unknown force wouldn’t allow me to give up. A fighter to the end I’ll remain. I fight for my family, friends and others who are being brought down by the judgmental asses in this world. 

However, I, for some reason, have allowed my disability get in the way of me sending a simple “Hello”. Every time I get to the point of pressing the “send” button, the doubt’s and self bullying comments click on. My mind stops me from completeimg this simple introduction. Someone commented on a previous blog of mine that I had given up before I even started, he was right. 

I broke my own rule, my main rule. I mean come on, I’ve beaten death three times (literally) yet I can’t seem to message you. Are you shitting me. Do you know how crazy that sounds. 

Yes I have been burned before by the male species, but I know that not every guy is bad. I’ve been taken advantage of, labeled and told that I’m damaged goods. Yet I still believe in Love and I’d fight like hell to protect it if I was given a real chance.

For a while now I have been the invisible fan of your blog, (I’ve even commented on your posts a few times, I think that counts as introducing myself, my friend says it doesn’t, what does he know 😉). For the past few months ( yes months, I know how ridiculous that sounds) I have had this strange feeling invade my chest and head. This feeling is one I have zero familiarity with. I can’t figure it out and I can’t make it go away. All of this ripped out from a tiny pebble, a pic of you. 

Am I crazy? Seriously, am I? If you were in my shoes what would you do?

I am a fighter, I was born a fighter and yet at this moment all I seem to be is a coward.

I’ve only ever said what I’m about to say once in my life… I’d trade my soul in if it meant not having this disability. I’ve never allowed it to stop me before. but now its crippling my mind.

A tiny part of me kinda wishes that you knew that I was writing about you. That you’d message me Hi, which would make all of this unnecessary anxiety vanish. I know, cowardice and borderline selfish. 

I’m racking my brain here…

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