It’s been a while since we’ve had one of our lovely chats…
I have this oversized thought that I need to release. Today as I wiped away droplets of steam from the bathroom mirror, my eyes didn’t momentarily focus on their own reflection as they usually tend to do. Today their focus was aimed at the small scar that resides on my neck, a scar that was the end to my beginning 15 years ago. This small imprinted line is my constant reminder to never go backwards, to never revisit the place from where this scar was created.
Every time I catch a glimpse of this scarred reflection, every time I run my hand across it in an anxiety state of mind…I am reminded of how blessed I am that my mind is still thinking and my heart is still beating.
This morning as my focus was engaging with my scar, a deep breath was inhaled as a single tear was exhaled. My life is not the same as it was 15 years past, I am not as I was 15 years past.
15 years ago I metaphorically (and almost physically) murdered myself. Too much pain lived within every bone and organ. I knew that in order to continue in this world that I needed to kill the present me and begin again. Quite the journey it has been since then and one that I actually want to continue. Once I would have told you that I wanted to die young, but now I want to grow old and wrinkley. Once I would have told you that dreams are impossible goals we set for ourselves, but now I am here to tell you that dreams are what keep this world growing. Once I would have told you that you don’t need people, that the only person you need in life is yourself. That by staying guarded you’ll never feel the pain you once felt. But, now I’m here to tell you that by never allowing anyone to get close to you, by never allowing yourself you get close with someone, well that pain hurts like hell. And the lonely repercussions of that pain dig deep.
You are the person you want to be by choice, your choice. You can start new anytime you wish, but it’s you who has to take that first step. I also want you to know that you are not alone in the battles you fight. I’m here, I know.
I am not the person I once was, I no longer fight the same battles I once did and everyday I am thankful for this scarred reflection.
“If I can live through this I can do anything…” -FOB
SOTD: Champion by Fall Out Boy