Another sleepless night, it’s been a couple of months since the nights have felt content. This nightmare I’ve been having doesn’t seem to have an ending, trapped in this plexiglass cell I remain. No escape insight. Tonight I don’t want to fall asleep, I won’t allow my eyes to close. The darkness won’t be taking me as its prisoner, this gnawing thought poisoning my brain will have to press pause.
1:39 am glows on my phone as I begin to reorganize my closet and dresser. Headphones snuggled onto my ears, pumping Linkin Park tunes. I’m hoping that these distractions are enough to temporarily drown out everything else, enough to drown out the world.
“I’ll face myself to cross out what I’ve become
And let go of what I’ve done…”
This hook releases a different thought into my mechanical mind… I ponder about you, I wonder if the nights feel as lonely to you as they do to me. I wonder if you think about me the same way I think about you. I wonder if the day will come where we meet. I’ll wait forever for you… But…
Please don’t wait for me. If you should meet a warm heart that ignites that spark in your eyes, dont wait for me. The thought of you feeling lonely embeds a pain into my chest, worse than the one that currently resides there. Even if we’re soulmates, meant to be, it doesn’t mean the universe will bring us together, right?
Pessimistic this may sound, but I have learned many lessons in my life, the biggest being that you don’t always get what you want, no matter how badly you want it. And, I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how good of a person you are, being “good” doesn’t mean you deserve something or anything. Do I want to become a successful writer? Yes. Do I want to travel the world? Yes. But, more than anything I want to find love and I’d give up every dream of mine if it meant I found you.
These sleepless nights have me pondering within my dark place, do I deserve love? Until the verdict is in I will keep my bets within my previous dreams. I will focus on the now and continue silencing the pain as much as possible.
Well what do you know, closet and dresser are looking beautifully organized. I suppose it’s now time to surrender to the night.
PS…will I ever find my missing piece…you?
SOTD: What I’ve Done by Linkin Park & Left Alone by Blink 182