Me vs. Myself

Well it’s officially 2017…. another year faded into the past and a fresh new year working on making its mark. It has been a few months since my last post, life has been semi-automatic lately. A goal was set in my mind to post a blog everyday beginning from last summer until 2016 was given it’s farewell. However, as it bothers me to say, I did not complete my goal. This is both looked at as a failure and not a failure. Life has a tendency to through those infamous curve balls and the latter part of last year had a few of those. First, I found htat forcing myself to blog everyday began to drain my creative pool. Peering back at the past blogs I noticed a mix of rawness and insanity sprinkled with pieces of “whatever”. I love the raw and insane, but the whatever is not how I want my writing to come across, it is not who I am and it is not how I want to be perceived. This is a lesson I have learned before, my writing has never had to be forced. The one aspect I enjoy about having a mind that speeds one million miles a minute is that there is never a lack of though. Thought is a gift that we are all given and there are those who’s thought process is continually pumped on adrenaline. Writers block occurred several times with my little experiment that I endeavored on and I have to be honest, it sucked. I hated the frustration of not being able to place my thoughts on this glowing screen, I hated that my fingers hesitated when typing when they have always had that natural flow. Sure, I have troubles when articulating myself on a verbal level in certain situations, but writing has been the one constant in the chaos that I call my life. So a decision has been made that I will return to my blog in only a raw insanity, nothing else will be acceptable.

Back to those curve balls… the first was an unwanted visit from a past demon. Six years ago I exited out of a relationship that should have never been brought to life, it was found in the gutter  and needed to be left there. A missed call via Facebook messenger from the one evil soul I thought was deleted. Just the mere sight that contact was attempted from him and the visual of his profile photo caused my gut to twist while a slight suffocated sensation ran across my neck. No response was returned, just a simple tap of the delete button. The result in those 60 seconds was weeks of replaying the months  spent with the villain I thought was a good guy. It was as though I had taken a scalpel and sliced open that stitched wound. I believe that there is a reason why things happen and I also believe that there is a reason why the person you breakup with is called your Ex. I know that certain relationships are charmed with a second chance, but trust me when I say that my last serious relationship is NOT one. Over the holidays I couldn’t escape from pondering if I should take another chance on Love, is the risk worth it? And simultaneously, I’m petrified of being single the rest of my life. As crazy as this may sound, I have wanted to find love and have a family since my baby sister was born. Witnessing the love between my parents and the excitement I had when my sister was born implanted the golden dream of love in my progressing brain, I was 10 years old. Some say that this age is too young to know what love is or to want to have that type of dream, but I was handed a life that forced me to grow up faster than usual (whatever usual is). As I sit here typing this blog and Ode to Sleep by T.O.P vibrates my eardrums, I feel the urge to confess that I have been slowly murdering my “love” dream, it hurts like hell, but so does continually being knocked on your ass in life’s ring. I know that not every guy is villianus, but I can’t let go of the fact that lightening might just strike twice in the exact same spot.

These thoughts have taken residency in the fore front on my mind, so I keep distracting the rest of me with finishing up “Dear You” and creating new material (which is overflowing since the nightmares are back in full force). Ain’t life grand 😉 I am hopeful for many new adventures and an overloaded amount of memories to paint on 2017’s canvas. I also wish the same for all of you in this great big world.

I’m fallin’ so I’m takin’ my time on my ride… I’ve been thinkin’ too much, help me… -Twenty One Pilots


2 thoughts on “Me vs. Myself

  1. randompenningofaconfusedmind says:

    Hey very well written.. and my advice to you is don’t give up on love and starting a family. Keep yourself open to it. You never know where you might find it. And yes, there are bad guys out there..I know that depressing feeling..but hey maybe they’re just a temporary thing to a beautiful relationship that’s yet to come..keep your chin up always..Cheers 🙂


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