Oh depression, it’s been years since we’ve indulged in our cat and mouse antics. Me, a young teenager, confused as to why the world she lived in rejected her. You, a dangerous toxic disguised as a tasty treat, stalking my battling mind until the proper moment would entice your appetite.
Surrounding voices attacking my openly worn heart, your chance to infiltrate the confusion spinning inside my fragile mind. Like a vampire cat thirsting for the fresh blood of a squeaky delight. While I ran from dark allies and shadowy streets, I found myself caught in a dead ended corner, entrapped in my own numbing pain. You took a bite, injecting the toxic poison that slowly changed the very DNA that made up my innocent kindness.
Stage one… the poison took the confusing state of mind and textured it with splattered anger, shifted towards the very world I once loved. Once sparkle filled eyes now flame glowing irises. The starting project of constructing walls to close out the white noise. Then encasing the last remaining goodness I held inside in locked glass box, surrounded by heat sensitive lasers.
Stage two… trust no one, engage no one. Become the invisible wallflower, blending into my surroundings like the freak chameleon I am. Spectate the seasons change outside the window and conversate with the man on the moon during your sleepless nightmarish nights while the rest of the world preoccupied themselves with the sand man. Silently cry red tears so that when day would break, wakened minds would no nothing of your introverted pain. No more shall you be angry at the world for labeling you damaged, but rather become angry at yourself for trying to deny the true reality that you are in fact what you’ve been labeled. Start to embrace that capitalized “D” that’s been permanently burned onto your forehead.
Final stage… once your anger for yourself has replaced the blood in your veins, stare at your once recognizable reflection in the cracked mirror. If the poison has worked its evil magic properly, you should feel your encased heart break into 99 pieces. You should see that your once beautiful hazel eyes have now turned solid midnight black and the once contentment feeling you possessed has been exchanged for a solace defeat. You’ll want to fight the final stage of destruction… don’t. Allow the dark toxic to complete it’s task of emptying out every ounce of light your hold inside. Become content with the entrapment of all of your fears, doubts and pain. Kiss the thought that you should no longer fight this lost cause. Once you have graduated from these stages then you will know what it is like to be in a love affair with depression.
I did indeed graduate from those stages and I was head-locked in depression’s affair. I was a mouse trapped then hooked. Many sunsets phased in and out until I was able to suck out all of the poison that flowed through my veins. It took me a long time to refill those hollow veins with liquid red cells. I found myself after years of being imprisoned in my depressive state and even though I was free from its toxicity, I wasn’t yet cured. Depression and I had continued the lively chase, for quite a few years to be honest. But, the day did come when my tear soaked reflection stabbed the monster that lived within the depths of my alley paved mind. The chase was quite the journey I took and it’s a journey that stole too many years of my life, entering the wicked chase as a teen and ending it as a 20 something woman. It’s also a journey that I never shall take again. That chase is forever over. I wish it upon no one, not even my worst enemy. Depression is a murderous poison that slowly and painfully drains the life out of you. Many become it’s victim and not enough survive. If I had one single piece of advice for open ears, it’s that you should not endure the chase solo. Seek help, seek guidance… fighting this particular battle alone could result in near death. Trust me on this.