Question… What brings tears to your eyes? Indulging in a romance novel… getting lost in the heart gripping speech at the end of a romantic comedy… lyrics from a song that opens the memory flood gates… the poetic notes of a sweet card. What swells your eyes full of joyous tears? Are you a gusher on a public level or are you someone who’s feelin’ all the feels privately?
Let’s visit the other end of the “Emotion Spectrum” where saddened tears reside. Blue tears falling from a broken heart… the loss of a loved one or friend… spiraling through an anxiety storm… or simply feeling so stressed that you’re at the end of your rope and that frustration storm just explodes. Public or private?
I must admit that I sometimes feel like an Ice Punk when it comes to situations that call for sharing your feelings and just letting those tears flow. No technical difficulties occur when it involves expressing the more positive emotions such as joy… excitement… laughter. However expressing the more negative emotions is quite a different case. I am very closed off and have tendencies to get inside my own head when faced with the more emotional situations. I didn’t always have this issue, it was a monster created way back in High School. Certain events occurred causing a once open girl to become closed off and very meticulous with whom she opened up with. (I am the girl incase you got momentarily lost 😉 ).
Over the years that monster perfected itself into quite a spectacular masterpiece, an illusion for the ages. While you see a seamlessly stitched smile on the outside, I’m actually torn apart if not dying on the inside (depending on the current situation). Truth be told, I hate that I am like this. It’s as though I’m murdering myself by containing all of that negative energy deep down. Believe these next words as your eyes soak them in… Burying every negative energy six feet under is toxic.
One… one is the lucky number. I have only one person in my life who knows me inside and out. One person who knows the real me. One person who has a V.I.P pass to enter behind the scenes. I am very grateful that I have this person in my life, for they are an important ingredient in my sanity recipe.
Some may assume that I am the “cold type” due to the fact that I rarely show insecurities, but I assure that I am not. I am feelin’ all those feels on the inside and the reason I don’t usually express those feelings on a verbal level is because it’s a complete train wreck every time I try to. Brilliant and eloquent thoughts are all lined up beautifully in my mind, ready for deployment. However, somehow during transit everything starts crashing, causing me to sound like a stuttering idiot. Thoughts become broken pieces, words become contorted, it’s a mess. Which straight up bites because any other thought flows from my lips gracefully and intelligently. It’s like having those moments where you want to stop yourself from saying something, but it’s too late. Then after it’s all said and done you think to yourself, “WTF just happened?” Lol!!
Jealousy and envy are two emotions that I’ve banned from my emotion spectrum, so instead I’m handing out props to all of you who can publicly and verbally express yourself on every level. To those who aren’t afraid of exposing their insecurities and to those who never allowed life to blackmail them into hiding. I don’t know how you do it, but bravo! Never change that about yourself because that is courageous.
To those who’ve read this and have shaken their heads “yes” the whole time because you’re on the same level as I am, I applaud you as well. It truly takes a certain kind of strength in baring your burdens solo. It’s not emotionally or even mentally the healthiest to keep it all inside, but if you have at least one person in your life that you can confide in then you’ll be just fine. So keep on keeping on with baring your soul through the flow of a pen… through the beat vibrating those headphones… through the healing lyrics that you belt out while in the shower… however you keep your sanity full, do you boo!
So to conclude this blog I will share one piece of advice. Listen with open ears and read with an open mind… Don’t judge those who are emotionally closed off, they’re not all Ice Punks. Don’t judge those who are emotionally open, they’re not all touchy feely weirdos. 😉 Be kind to one another, especially when you don’t know their story. ❤
Until next blog… Love Derra ❤