Because I’m Broken When I’m Open <3

Outcast…. an open ended term that has a different effect depending on the current state of the victim its latched itself to. For some, its the feeling of not belonging. Wanting to be accepted into the “cool” group, to be one of the cool kids around the campus. Always seen at the dances, school activities or around town hanging with your “friends” at the burger joint downtown. The will to do anything in being able to avoid having the “freak” label super-glued to your forehead. Becoming incognito from being teased, picked on and bullied.

For others, its not an issue of wanting to fit in at school, but rather wanting to fit into your own family. The need for a connection with your parents or the acceptance that the pride they have for their kids is equally given. Elimination of the fear that your not good enough to be placed on the same pedestal as your siblings. Destroying the essence of the “black sheep” that lingers around your dark alley. To glance at old photos and have nostalgia flowing through your heart instead of the “what’s wrong with this picture” brokenness.To be able to engage in dinner conversation, sharing your thoughts and daily life with your loved ones instead of observing in saddened silence. To know that when you speak someone is on the other end of your words, soaking them in and responding in a positive way instead of a pretend ear disregarding you while their attention seems to elsewhere.

“because I’m broken when I’m open and I don’t feel like I am strong enough….”

Its like the all too true saying, “One can be surrounded be a sworn of people and still feel so alone”….

I have days where I feel all of the above…. but, that’s because I was dealt the “outcast” card in my hand at birth. Its become apart of what makes me, well, me. I have learned tricks on how to deal with the lonesome world of being an outcast. Tiny tricks that temporarily numb the pain and tears. The rain cloud follows me everyday, its my decision, however, whether I dance as the drops fall or if I allow them to soak me from head to toe, saturating my mind and heart with brokenness. No matter the decision, my soul will remain golden.

Have you ever had “outcast” kiss your forehead, leaving its gloomy curse?

Until next blog, Love Derra ❤

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