blog, creative writing, dreams, life, love, Uncategorized, writer, writing

Thirty-Three

The thirteenth hour has arrived…I’m finding it challenging writing this post. See, I don’t usually write out what I want to blog about, I just sit at my laptop and allow the words to flow in their raw and unformatted form. Pure thoughts fresh from the cerebral, unfiltered. However, tonight I am finding this blog a bit challenging, not because of writer’s block, but because the thoughts I’d like to share consist of placing myself behind the x-ray screen so that I could see just how deep these scars of mine run.

Over the last several months I have been caught in a suspended slumber induced decision of which item to choose, a 22 glock or a Louisville slugger. Over the past few months my mind has been is a constant fidgeted spin, distracted and dizzying. I had hoped that these unconscious subconscious matters would have figured themselves out, they have not. I am mentally exhausted and can no longer indulge these beautiful false fantasies. So, I am taking matters into my own hands, I am doing what needs to done, what should’ve been done a long time ago. The 22 glock will take the win, the bullet will fire and a clean slate will be bought.

Sometimes you have to silence your mind in order to allow your heart a moment in the spotlight. These two organs don’t always reside on the same page and most of the time the mind prefers to boom its voice over the heart’s. I, however, have decided to silence my heart’s mic for a while and simply focus on my life. I need a break from the pain that tends to attach itself to hopes and dreams. My countdown clock is ticking away as though it were a megaphone that was built inside my eardrum. I know that I ponder about death more than I should, but when it has been a factor slapped in your face since you entered this world you tend to find a fascination within it so that it isn’t so damn depressing. Death, in a weird way, inspires me. It kind of always has. I get a kick out of how I am still here, how I have given death the finger a few times. No one knows when their clock will tick it’s final tock, but to know that my time has well been up and here I still stand gives my veins a little rush of adrenaline.

And if I must go and die at 27, then at least I know I died a legend. Now will you roll and ride like we’re together and keep the vibe alive inside forever… -MGK

With that being said, if I were to die tomorrow, if this was the last sunset my eyes soaked in, if these were the last breaths my lungs were going to intake then I am ok with that. There are so many more moments that I’d like to add to my journey, my heart wants to experience a true honest love more than anything and having a family of my own is the main thought residing within the storm in the center of my mind, but one can only outrun Grim for so long.

So, if tonight is the last 10:10pm wish I’ll get to make then I’m going to make it count. Firstly, I dedicate part of this wish to all of you single hearts out there searching for your missing piece. Don’t give up, I know there are times of hopelessness, moments of tearful doubt, but keep searching. The best moment in your life will be finding your King or Queen, don’t lose that moment to fear. Secondly, whenever I do depart from this world, I hope that you remember the moments when I was at my best. I hope you remember that my shoulder was always there for you to lean on…that I could get you to crack a smile in that moment you felt upset in…that my ears were yours when you needed to vent and that my presence was right beside you in the moments when you needed silence… I want you to remember every golden memory that brings a smile to your face.
Today marks the ending of chapter thirty-two as chapter thirty-three begins. Here’s to new adventures and new dreams.

blog, blogger, blogging, writer, writing

Silver Dagger Book Tours: Guest Post

Hey guys, how’s it going? Yesterday kicked off a second blog tour for Dear You and I thought I’d share a guest post I did over on Silver Dagger’s site.

http://www.silverdaggertours.com/sdsxx-tours/dear-you-book-tour-and-giveaway

What’s Good World!?

Hey guys, how’s life treating you?

My intensions for this quick blog post is to introduce myself, give you the 411 with what’s what.

So to start, my name is Derra or as my friends call me D. I was born in Covina California, I have moved around a few times, but have remained a Cali chica livin’ that SoCal life of summer days spent at the beach and 50% of my diet being a mix of mexican food (carnitas tacos) and In-N-Out burgers, lol. Growing up I wanted to be a fashion designer as well as a drummer in a punk rock band. I was and still am a big fan of bands like Blink 182, Green Day, Pink, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots and Artists like Beyonce, Lady GaGa and Eminem.

How writing came into play is crazy. I had always enjoyed writing since a youngster, just jotting down the random thoughts that spun in my imaginitive mind, yet as I got older writing became more of an escape.

An escape from living life with a rare disorder, an escape from the surgeries, the bullies, my anxiety and an escape from my suicidal thoughts. I am not the most open person, emotions such as sadness, anger, grief, stress…these emotions place my mouth in lock down mode while my mind is racing DK style. Writing started as an innocent hobby, then morphed into an escape, then transformed into a career choice. More than that though, writing has helped me to heal many mental wounds, it has allowed my voice to speak, it has allowed me to take my broken story and share it with those who are going through their own storms. When life knocks us down, when we live in the darkness, we feel as though we are alone, but we’re not. I know first hand just how difficult and nerve wracking it is to speak up, to ask for help. I never understood why I survived as long as I have, especially with a disorder that was destined to kill me years ago and even though I still struggle with the reasoning as to why I am still resideing on this planet, I am certain of one aspect…I am here to to show the world that broken doesn’t mean damaged.

My name is Derra Nicole Sabo. I am a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a foodie, a coffee addict, a bookworm, a beach baby, a music lover and movie buff. I am a writer, a blogger and a survivor.

I am an underdog with a story to tell and I hope that you’ll take a few moments to listen.

blog, blogging, life, writer, writing

Four Years Ago

Four years ago…

Sitting here on the cooling sands, watching the sun kiss the moon goodnight, a fleet of memories and realities slam my mind. As the breeze calls for my hoodie to cover my chilled bones, these tears begin to trickle down my freckled cheeks. The thought of my demise never bothered me, this type of life that was cursed upon me includes death as a forefront thought that never takes a break. Yet here I am, shivering at the thought that death has finally kissed my forehead.

My past flashing by, the memories of birthdays and holidays spiral by. Watergun fights, family Bbq’s, endless beach trips, graduations, family game nights, concerts and hockey games.

Past scars temporarily unstitching themselves causing flashes of surgeries, bullies and dark times that tried to break me and damn near did.

I survived. Everything the world hurled at me and here I am still dancing.

Then my mind shifted to all the future beautiful moments I’m never going to witness.

Sharing my story with others, being their jumpsuits. Turning up the volume in ending the stigma that continues to stifle the suicidal hearts. I had plans…

Is the toxicity of my last relationship going to be what I have to try and consider love?

I’m never going to find true love, to have that day of saying “I do” to my “Jack” in front of our family and close friends…I’ll never have kids, to see them grow up, smile as they wake Christmas morning, to make pancakes with them on weekends, to watch them fall in love with the beach while enjoying an gooey s’more and bonfires. I’ll never get to cheer them on at their sports games, school plays, graduations. I’ll never get to spoil them on their birthdays or hand over those keys when they get their license.

The thought of watching my kids find their soulmates, having families of their own and being the Grandma who gets to spoil her grandkids is fading with every tear. The wish of sitting on the front porch with my partner when we’re 80 years old, sipping tea and remenicsing down memory lane was vastly slipping into the land of the forgotten.

These dreams of mine hung in the balance right beside these decisions I need to sign, seal and deliver.

Do I pull myself back into the world I swore I’d never reenter?

Do I do morph, fight and conquer once again? Do I have enough energy, enough will to do so?

What if this battle isn’t victorious…all the research I’ve done (from dietary changes to vitamins, supplements) what if it fails. Do I cave to professionals or do I punch out (PAS) while I’m still myself?

Every memory played in my mind like the most beautifully intense movie I’ve ever seen.

Every broken dream flickered in my eyes.

……………..

Four years later…turns out this world and I aren’t finished with one another yet…

Perhaps that kiss from death was for good luck in the future…

Everytime I think I’m done, something pulls me back in…

I just wish I knew what that something is because I’d like to say thank you…

I’ll be right there, but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air…if you need anyone… -Twenty One Pilots

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In This Moment…

The breeze is still…

The crickets have begun their blue love songs…

The sky is drenched in black ink…

These headphones vibrate at volumes past the warning…

These emotions are slowly creeping out of the corners of these temporarily disheartened eyes…

The silence is momentarily patched up with Tyler’s scream and Josh’s drumbeats at the end of Jumpsuit…

Sometimes unwanted thoughts have dug themselves out of their graves…

If you need anyone…I’ll be right there… -Twenty One Pilots

blog, blogger, blogging, culture, life, relationships, writer, writing

Rebel

It’s crazy… I feel like more of an outcast in a community that I’m supposed to feel belonged in than I do as a human residing in the rest of the world.

Judgement is felt more amongst “my people” than it is from those who see me purchasing my Starbucks and shopping at Target.

I find myself more and more curious as to why that is…

Maybe it’s because I am a rebel.

The one who chooses to defy the statistics…the one who chooses to share my story in hopes of helping others rather than play the “victim” to gain free advancements.

Maybe it is because I live my life according to my own views rather than remain trapped inside ORs as the surgeon’s guinea pig because he knows what’s best.

Or, maybe it is mainly because I choose to find the silver lining at the end of a shitty day, knowing that tomorrow is a fresh start, rather than pull everyone into my shit storm so they’ll feel sorry for me.

So, if I don’t fit into “your world” then where do I fit in…where do I belong…

I fit into the smiles and laughter of my family and friends. I fit into the star studded universe where my Guardian Angel resides, watching over me. I fit into these bones of mine that are made up of molecules from my ancestors. I fit into the empty space inside of my future love’s heart.

I belong right here, amongst the sand, the ocean and this cotton candy sunset.

I am a rebel.

Jumpsuit, Jumpsuit cover me… -Twenty One Pilots

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Nico & The Niners

World: “Ok, what song are we contemplating today?”

Me: “Well, since you asked… today we are contemplating Nico and The Niners.”

World: “Hmmm, sounds interesting. Go ahead and play it.”

Me: “Go ahead and play it…. what do you think I’ve been playing all day long? Seriously…do you know me at all? C’mon dude.”

World: “I’m sor….”

Me: “Nope.”

World: “Insulted…?”

Me: “Yep 😝”

My jumpsuit is on steady…I’m lighter when I’m lower, I’m higher when I’m heavy…East is up.. -Twenty Øne Piløts

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Jumpsuit

World: “Are you going to be playing Jumpsuit on a loop all day long?”

Me: “The fact that you’re even asking me that question shows how little you know me.”

World: “I’m sorrry… ”

Me: “Nope, you’ve already insulted me..” 😝🖤💛🖤

Spirits in my room, friend or foe? Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old… -Twenty Øne Piløts

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Who am I…

These thoughts are drifting at 180 mph throughout the curves if my cerebral. My glance is momentarily caught by the lavender almond oil that my diffuser has misted into the atmosphere. So many thoughts I’d like to share, yet where to start boggles my racing mind. So, I’ll simply leave you with this…

Goodnight…Sweet dreams…🖤