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Thirty-Three

The thirteenth hour has arrived…I’m finding it challenging writing this post. See, I don’t usually write out what I want to blog about, I just sit at my laptop and allow the words to flow in their raw and unformatted form. Pure thoughts fresh from the cerebral, unfiltered. However, tonight I am finding this blog a bit challenging, not because of writer’s block, but because the thoughts I’d like to share consist of placing myself behind the x-ray screen so that I could see just how deep these scars of mine run.

Over the last several months I have been caught in a suspended slumber induced decision of which item to choose, a 22 glock or a Louisville slugger. Over the past few months my mind has been is a constant fidgeted spin, distracted and dizzying. I had hoped that these unconscious subconscious matters would have figured themselves out, they have not. I am mentally exhausted and can no longer indulge these beautiful false fantasies. So, I am taking matters into my own hands, I am doing what needs to done, what should’ve been done a long time ago. The 22 glock will take the win, the bullet will fire and a clean slate will be bought.

Sometimes you have to silence your mind in order to allow your heart a moment in the spotlight. These two organs don’t always reside on the same page and most of the time the mind prefers to boom its voice over the heart’s. I, however, have decided to silence my heart’s mic for a while and simply focus on my life. I need a break from the pain that tends to attach itself to hopes and dreams. My countdown clock is ticking away as though it were a megaphone that was built inside my eardrum. I know that I ponder about death more than I should, but when it has been a factor slapped in your face since you entered this world you tend to find a fascination within it so that it isn’t so damn depressing. Death, in a weird way, inspires me. It kind of always has. I get a kick out of how I am still here, how I have given death the finger a few times. No one knows when their clock will tick it’s final tock, but to know that my time has well been up and here I still stand gives my veins a little rush of adrenaline.

And if I must go and die at 27, then at least I know I died a legend. Now will you roll and ride like we’re together and keep the vibe alive inside forever… -MGK

With that being said, if I were to die tomorrow, if this was the last sunset my eyes soaked in, if these were the last breaths my lungs were going to intake then I am ok with that. There are so many more moments that I’d like to add to my journey, my heart wants to experience a true honest love more than anything and having a family of my own is the main thought residing within the storm in the center of my mind, but one can only outrun Grim for so long.

So, if tonight is the last 10:10pm wish I’ll get to make then I’m going to make it count. Firstly, I dedicate part of this wish to all of you single hearts out there searching for your missing piece. Don’t give up, I know there are times of hopelessness, moments of tearful doubt, but keep searching. The best moment in your life will be finding your King or Queen, don’t lose that moment to fear. Secondly, whenever I do depart from this world, I hope that you remember the moments when I was at my best. I hope you remember that my shoulder was always there for you to lean on…that I could get you to crack a smile in that moment you felt upset in…that my ears were yours when you needed to vent and that my presence was right beside you in the moments when you needed silence… I want you to remember every golden memory that brings a smile to your face.
Today marks the ending of chapter thirty-two as chapter thirty-three begins. Here’s to new adventures and new dreams.

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Last Wish…

The day is inevitable…the day when my bones breakdown, when my heart stops beating and my lungs intake their last deep oxygenated breath.

Hopefully, old age will be the cause of my death. However, if not then know that my life was well lived before I went forward with this P.A.S..

Here in my Will, the following is stated…

This heart of mine contains deep scars and is stitched together with golden thread, however, it is 100% authentic. My heart goes to my unknown love for it always belonged to him.

This mind of mine is broken, outlined with past scars deeply tucked away and has a thunderstorm that resides in the center cortex, however, it’s creative pulses are glowing and has been known to be a brilliant bulb. My mind goes to the world that drove me.

These bones of mine are slightly cracked from surgeries years ago, however, they are resilient. My bones go to the only place that ever felt like home, the ocean.

Lastly, this soul of mine has seen true blackness and has been near extinction, however, a immortal soul it has always been. My soul goes to the place that made me who I am, California.

I’m a space bound rocketship and your heart’s the moon and I’m aimin’ right at you…250 thousand miles on a clear night in June and I’m aimin’ right at you… -Eminem

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….5 Minutes….

In this 12:22am moment, the words have calmed to a silent buzz…

In this 12:23am moment, this exact emotion is too deeply embedded within these stitches. Not even the sharpest scalpel could cut it out…

In this 12:24am moment, the only way I can best verbalize is with one single piece of art and a lyrical quote…

In this 12:25am moment, my heart is raw…

In this 12:26am moment, my mind is still…

I wanna be known by you…. -Twenty One Pilots

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Deep Breath

Do you ever find yourself taking an unexpected deep breath…

Lately I have noticed that these unexpected deep breaths keep sneaking their way into my days and nights. Out of the blue, my lungs feel the need to inhale a bit more oxygen.

In a weird way, after a deep breath I feel a bit more at ease…mentally and physically. These thoughts in my mind have been racing in a more sporadic manner lately rather than in an even flow. My body has been sleepless and anxious. The cerebral storm thunders a bit more monstrous at 2am.

However, these unexpected outta the blue deep breaths inject a sense of calm into my veins, they inhabit a sense of peace into my bones.

I inhale reassurance and exhale a negative thought. My focus is refocused.

Breathe in…..breathe out……

The P.A. system keeps my hard heart beating tonight…. -Fall Out Boy

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Tested

Between you and me, I feel like the universe is testing me, that it’s been testing me since the beginning of the year.

More times than not I have been the person to “bite my tongue”, “let things go” or tell myself that “it wasn’t meant to be”. I’ve shuffled through these excuses for one reason or another.

Moments were because my confidence wasn’t fully built up, so standing up to certain people such as family members or critics was always a bit nerve wracking.

Moments where I told myself that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve success or any type of positive recognition.

I mean, who am I to think that what I have to say has substance, that I can make a difference in this world.

When 2018 spiraled in I made a decision to make a few much needed changes in order to maintain my sanity. While my physical health is important to me, my mental health is even more important. So, I decided to flush out the toxicity surrounding my life. Social media platforms were detoxified, then certain people that I have refrained from standing up to were stood up to (damn it felt good).

Lately, career choices were made that I’ll admit I was apprehensive about making, however, in the long run cutting ties was best.

As for Love and I, well, I keep trying to detach myself. So far my efforts have failed, every time I think that my brain has deleted his image something occurs that causes my thoughts to repay attention, such as a song. Every time I think my heart has been successfully stifled, these dreams steal my insomniac hours. I don’t know what to do in this area of life…

In some form or another, the universe is testing me.

I can’t believe how much I hate pressures of a new place roll my way… -Twenty One Pilots

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Happy Birthday Ma’

You never stomped on any of my ideas, goals or dreams. You never started any conversation with the words “No” or “Can’t”. Creativity and hard work were always the cards played to help me achieve my newest project. From Tap and Ballet lessons… art sets so that I could sketch out my imagination… my drum set days for band during my elementary and Jr. High years… finding a love for cooking which now means we’ve upgraded from colored pencils and drumsticks to sharp knives and fire… my fascination with the sharpness and beauty of words resulting in my dream of one day becoming an author.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself. Thank you for always believing in the person that I’ve become and showing me the power that unconditional love has. Thank you for being my Ma’ 💛

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New York

I’ll never forget that moment…the day, the time, what I was doing, this is a memory deeply embedded in my mind.

That Tuesday morning was a typical morning…getting up, dressed, breakfast was eaten then I began my school work. See, I was 16 and just began homeschooling due to losing my sight and being a full semester behind. In order to catch up and graduate on time my parents enrolled me in a charter high school. This allowed me to not only get caught up, but to finish school a full semester ahead of my class. This also ensured that technically no school was missed when needing to be at doctors appointments or while in surgeries.

Trigonometry, this was the subject that was educating my brain. The time was 9:17am, my thought process was interrupted by the phone. Three rings in and I answer it to hear my Dad’s voice on the receiving end.

Dad…”Hey kiddo, how’s your day so far?”

Me…”Pretty good, just doing some trig. What’s up?”

Dad…”Turn on the news kiddo, and prepare yourself.”

Me…”Okay….”

While the big screen picture was a blur, the voices of newscasters were crystal clear. Every channel, one breaking news headline…

A hijacked plane just crashed into one of the Twin Towers in New York.

My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach, tears welled up in my eyes, my voice brokenly asking my Dad, “Who did this?” Him replying with that word made me shake.

Terrorists.

As he told me to not worry about my schoolwork, to just take the day, I was in another state of mind. My young mind was trying to fathom how anyone could perform this horrible act, why anyone would perform this horrible act. Then my mind shifted to lives that were in danger, the lives lost. While I have always been told that I was the 16 year old going on 30, my mind just couldn’t handle the immensity of this tragic crime that my ears were absorbing. My heart was already in a fragile state, this just broke it right down the center.

My heart holds a special place for New York, the diverse culture, the people, the New York atmosphere is just beautiful. Back in 2006, my Mom and I spent a few days in NY, we signed up for a tour of Manhattan. Walking the city with a group, our guide sharing facts from historical to pop culture and everything in between. From seeing the infamous bull statue on Wall Street to Trinity Church. Along the way we made our way to Ground Zero. Standing there, I just froze. The emotional state I entered was unfamiliar territory, I was trying to soak it all in. The tour guide was speaking, however, all I heard was a buzzing in my ears. To also see the plaques, the faces and names of the brave humans who rushed in to help, to rescue. To see the names of those lost souls.

I have witnessed so many life changing moments in my 33 years of existence, However, none have ever compared to Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

Never Forget. ❤

In New York, concrete jungles where dreams are made of, there’s nothin’ you can’t do…These streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you. Let’s hear it for New York… -Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys

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My Turn

What do you see when my reflection comes into focus in your viewfinder?

Do you see a freckled porcelain complexion whose appearance seems quiet, perhaps even coldly shy?

Perhaps you see a mutant misfit incapable of making it in this life. A fragile museum artifact that must remain protected with bubble wrap and locked away.

Click to the next slide…

Now here you’ll an image of a dimpled grin, the gatekeeper to the broken brain. You’ll see hazel eyes that hold a tiny spark, within that spark are the silent scars that are stitched into a human heart. A heart that beats for 2064.

Every single slide you skip forward to will always capture that dimpled grin and those spark embedded hazel eyes. What you won’t see is the internal struggle that wages, the side effects of a misfit’s anxiety.

A clenched chest… deep breathing goes into effect in hopes that focused oxygen will aid from the dizzying room possibly going dark. Headphones cemented to eardrums, injecting lyrical morphine into the cerebral thunderstorm. A fond numbness is wished for so that the booming thoughts that scream disaster will calm.

While I mentally whisper that everything will be ok and that everything will run smoothly, my anxiety is in the process of conjuring up its own destructive plan. Meeting unfamiliar humans, speaking to an audience of any size or a project that involves getting lost within my thoughts and breaking off a piece of myself… boom!

A tiny fleeting moment of titanium confidence, then an ear piercing whisper…

“My turn…”

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside…-Imagine Dragons